Big Boys

You'd always say that places people call shitholes

aren't actually shitholes at all.

But really they're places full of love

and kindness and community.

Except your ends, which you said were actually...

Such a shithole.

Write Me A Letter by Oscar Lang

# Take the lock off my charm

# Take a hold of my arm

# Make me feel better

# In time

# You're the way I feel free

# Like the wind by the sea

# So write me a letter

# Sometime

# But, oh, you look sad

# Your smile has fallen down

# I know you feel bad

# And it feels like you're going to drown

# So listen, listen close

# My heart hurts letting you go

# So write me a letter

# Sometime... #

I'm sure he's OK, darl.

He's had a shock about his uni place and he's clearing his head.

Yeah. Try to take your mind off it.

Think of nice things like...

..Wagamama katsu curry.

And, er... And how's Corinne?

For the hundredth time, she's not my girlfriend.

Oh, she got a great arse, Jack.

Even though you'd disappeared, I knew I still needed to come out to Mum.

I didn't want to keep pretending for that whole summer

that I fancied Mulala.

Right. Can we get in our pyjamas and have a cuppa?

Oh, we ain't staying home, hun. Oh, no, now I've got you back,

I've got a whole summer planned of fun shit for us to do,

which starts now. What?

We're going for Sunday lunch at your favourite restaurant.

Not... We're going to Harvester.

Get in. Yes, Watford may also be a bit of a shithole,

but we have three Harvesters, so shut up.

So, erm, your grandmother has now become very unpredictable.

She can get upset or angry

or completely forget what she's doing and talking about.

Sure she ain't turned into Janet Street-Porter?

I do not know what that is. Right.

Don't worry, she'll be fine with me.

She can also be quite, er,

frisky. Yeah, that sounds about right.

HE KNOCKS Hello?

Morning, Iris.

What do you want?

Hello, hello!

Ooh!

Daniel?

My Daniel?! Come here. Ohh!

SHE LAUGHS AFFECTIONATELY

I got you some roses.

Chocolates? No, look, flowers.

Shame.Oi! SHE LAUGHS

Let me just pop 'em down here.

Harvester Watford felt like quite a safe space to come out...

Ooh, nice jacket. You too.

..I suppose because if it all went tits up,

I could still have a knickerbocker glory.

Mum, I need to tell you...

Welcome to Harvester Watford, guys!

My name is Marky B, I'll be your server today.

Uh, is this your first time? Oh, I'd be two jeans sizes smaller if it was.

HE WHIMPERS

God! HE LAUGHS

Ohh...

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

OK. Uh, the salad bar is open with an array of crisps...

Spare us the spiel, hun. We want bottomless drinks glasses

and every single sauce you can carry in one go.

Coming right up.

Oh, and two more menus.

Why?

Bloody hell, you do look a twat.

Well, grab the Huggies pack from the back seat and help me get wiping!

Nan-a!

Nan-a!

So how you been? Yeah, fine.

How you been? Yeah, fine.

Do you like my en suite?

Yeah. I'd love an en suite. Would ya? Yeah, definitely.

I tell you what, shall we have a squash? Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

I really don't like that man, Daniel.

The Polish bloke.

Oh, no?

He's a fucking pervert. Nanna, I'm sure that's not true.

He keeps trying to shag us! I'm not trying to fornicate with you, Iris,

just put you to bed and tuck you in.

Right. Look. Here y'are.

Have a look at this, look.

I found that in your post.

I think it's from Dad.

Do you want me to read it for you? Daniel.

You don't need to write these any more, love.

Let's not pretend.

Can't Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue

Mum,

I've wanted to tell you over the past year...

Oi, oi! Oh, finally!

So I've had to be Smurfette

at Stacey Solomon's son's sick secret birthday party.

Now I'm getting these celebs' bookings, I just got to go the extra mile, you know.

Hiya, crew. What can I get you?

OK, so double brandy and Coke with a plastic straw if you please.

I'll have a vodka lime soda. Have you got lime?

Um, yeah, just a bit. We have a bountiful supply of fresh limes.

No, I'm going to need cordial because I ain't a hippy.

Yeah...

Absolutely. What meals do you guys fancy?

We'll have half a spit roast each, all with fries,

two full racks of ribs for the table.

Two portions of onion rings? Three? Three?

Five portions of onion rings, erm, couple of corn on the cobs for good measure

and... SHE WHISPERS

..me and Nan will share the 12-ounce rump,

well done, no Diane sauce because she's got an aversion to mustard. Thank you.

What? Any allergies?

Sorry... Er, any allergies?

And that's Jack, who I've been living with. Who?

I showed you him before, Nan.

Look, that's Corinne.

And that's her again.

And again. HE CHUCKLES

Aww.

Pretty girl, Dennis.

It's Danny, Nan.

I'm Danny.

She's stunning, isn't she? Just like you.

Ohh!

She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals

That ain't a fucking salad.

Then why is it available at a buffet of salad, then, huh?

Fat-shaming me again, Nan. You're a shame to yourself, darling.

Stop being mean to one another, please.

The Harvester salad bar was meant to be my happy place.

Careful, Nan, that's spicy. Spicy for old white people.

You are old white people. I'm a red devil, just like this sauce,

which I'll drench you in if you don't back off from the fucking croutons!

They rowed... Wow. ..because deep down, they really loved each other.

I mean, Shannon wouldn't have shared a steak with anyone else.

Oh, look, that's me. At the beach.

Must be about five there. Yeah...

Oh, look, and there we all are at Butlins.

That was a nightmare.

SEAGULLS CRY OUTSIDE

Your dad.

Yeah.

He just hated you.

Oh, did he?

You look just like him.

Yeah, I know.

Get out.

Get out. Shall we watch some TV...

Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get OUT!

Get out, get out, get out!

Iris. Iris.

And you can fuck off an' all! Iris, don't worry.

SHE WHIMPERS I want to go home!

Iris... Get my husband.

Danger Stranger by Esther

# In the dark, but I saw your eyes

# So bright

# So bright

# Find the words and take them back again

# Really took your time

# Stranger

# But I'll remain until the horses run

# We'll find a way

# And hide away

# Feel like we're aching to fall asleep

# Red eyes and a dry throat

# If you want, I'll be yours to keep

# To keep

# To keep

# For a second, I wanted to split in two

# Just to feel I'm closer beside you

# Still I never thought that we ever would say goodbye

# Goodbye

# Goodbye... #

Hello, you.

I'm not really sure about this letter you're writing.

Look, before you start, all right, I'm just so, so tired.

I know.

I'm sorry I wasn't always the best at being around

when I could've been.

You had your own shit to sort out.

Do you know what I mean? Like figuring out you...

Like cock. Yeah, that.

But I wouldn't have figured it out

if you hadn't made me feel all right enough to do so.

So whatever that letter is, just...