Britannia

All right, who wants to go first?

Britannia is a cursed land...

...ruled by the dead.

In a few hours' time,

20,000 men... will set sail to Britannia.

You've come to occupy us?

We've come to work with you.

You don't defeat these people by fighting their warriors...

..you defeat them by fighting their gods.

Are you threatening the Druids?

Guards of Britannia, I am Rome...

..and where I walk is Rome.

We don't need you.

We don't want you.

You will stand down your army.

-Go! -No!

You can lick my crack.

What's a Roman?

The Romans are devils. They're the foot soldiers of Lokka...

..the Great Earth Demon.

Well, that sounds scary, doesn't it?

-So, what's the mission? -Isn't it obvious?

Stop the Romans, send them home, kill the General.

Such a stupid question!

Fire!

Mighty Lokka...

Forward!

We are rising.

Do you have any idea...

..the power you're up against?

Come and get me, you fucking snake!

Take them!

Gods don't deal, Rome. The gods don't deal.

It is her.

Hope is the daughter of a blind father.

It turns out, you're not a pointless little pain in the arse.

It seems I was wro... wr... wr... I was wro...

You were wr... wrong.

-Just shut your mouth. -Thank you.

Out of my way! Move.

-Is he dead yet? -Still going. He's drawing a crowd.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm starving.

Let's stick one in him, have an early supper?

Death by crucifixion. It's in the orders.

-What about my orders? -That happened first

-What did? -We agreed.

Whoever was first wouldn't be a prick.

Yeah. Come on...

..do the poor lad a favor.

All right.

Why are you people still here? Nothing to see here. Bugger off!

When I look out my window

Many sights to see

And when I look in my window

So many different people to be

Oh, no

Must be the season of the witch

Must be the season of the witch, yeah

Must be the season of the witch

You got to pick up every stitch

The rabbits running in the ditch

Beatnicks are out to make it rich

Oh, no Must be the season of the witch

Do you like what I've done with the place?

All local stone.

The best part is I can come in here, lie back

and the outside world just disappears.

-I do love a bath. -This was a sacred place.

These waters are warmed by mighty Sulis.

Well, he's doing an excellent job.

This is a blessed day, Chieftains.

This day our emperor, your emperor, is visiting this province.

Now, I'm sure I can trust you all...

Before we discuss your emperor, we have grievances to air.

-Important grievances. -Of course you do.

I can smell the old bitch from here.

-I'm Queen Amena of the... -We know who you are.

What do you want?

To pay respects to your mother, the queen.

My mother loathed the Cantii. You the worst.

A moon has passed, yet still she lies unburied.

-We await the Druids. -Then you clearly haven't heard.

The Druids have abandoned us.

-Vanished. Scattered to the winds. -Liar.

-I told you... -Shut your mouth!

If I'm wrong, where are they?

Why would Queen Amena speak ill of the Druids?

Is it because the gods wouldn't, in a thousand moons

put a crown upon her head.

And if they didn't, who did?

A Roman devil.

Twenty-feet tall, spitting fire, with a big scaly dick.

You get a herring each...

..and then you leave.

It starts with taxes, then day by day, they'll bleed you white.

It's true, the Romans tax. But it's agreed.

Negotiated according to trade.

Let them come. Their heads will decorate our ramparts.

Derog... No!

-Listening to a Roman whore. -This is about our future.

Fuck the future.

She's good on her back, this one, and nothing more.

Now eat your fish and go. Your lies are turning my stomach.

Never easy, brothers.

-I am my brother's equal. -Would the Druids agree?

When the time comes? Which it won't, because they're not coming.

The problem here isn't who sticks mom in the sea.

It's what happens next. To you, your tribe...

Who would you have decide that? A god?

A Druid? Or you?

Who is going to be king, Halwyn?

-That is for the gods to... -Halwyn...

Who is going to be king?

Three families were killed by your soldiers.

They were trying to worship our god, Taranis.

I'm glad you bring it up.

Stopping such mix-ups is why I've invited you all here.

-These are our lands, our gods. -But you are part of the empire now.

We want you to be free to worship your gods in any way you choose.

All we ask is you call them something we recognize, a Roman name.

But the names of the gods are sacred.

-What's your wife's name? -He has five wives.

-One will do. -Vanna.

Vanna. So, Vanna comes home one night

and she says from now on, she wants to be called Dudunda.

She still looks like Vanna, talks like Vanna,

she's still warming your bed.

This Taranis of yours, is the king of the gods.

Well, our king of the gods is Jupiter.

How many arms does this Jupiter have?

Taranis has eight and six cocks.

How about Vulcan? He's quite a sight.

Fierce, lots of arms. He'd be a match for Taranis.

-Does he have six cocks -Wait. Stop, stop!

Are you pissing in my bath?

-No. -You are. You are doing that face.

-I'm not. -Nobody...

...pisses in my bath.

-Nobody. -I swear by Taranis.

Oh, I think you mean Vulcan.

I swear by Vulcan.

There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Forgive me, Mother.

You fool.

King Halwyn...

Welcome to the future.

Come on, lads.

General?

We won't find the girl this way. We need to widen the net.

General, the emperor's caravan approaches.

Thank you, Decanus.

Go to the villages, every settlement in the territory.

Knock on doors.

-What shall I do with the captives? -Get rid of them.

-Queen Amena. -Perfectis.

I want 100 horsemen ready by nightfall.

Aye, General.

-You have a new ally. -Defed...

Derog. Derog of the Demetae.

Halwyn of the Demetae.

-Isn't he the stupid brother? -Well, now he's the useful brother.

-I thought we were going for Derog. -Derog wasn't king material.

-Derog's a warrior. A legend. -Derog's dead.

Oh, that does tip things in Halwyn's favor.

I'm sure he'll do an excellent job.

-A hundred horsemen. -Excuse me?

I couldn't help overhearing. Exciting.

Is there something afoot?

Now, now. Just because we share a bed...

I wasn't prying.

I just feel as your ally, has someone upset you?

Are you going to ride in and burn their village?

Who, me?

You misunderstand me, Your Majesty.

I'm looking for something.

Something that belongs to me.

Something I want very, very badly.

And what do you want very, very badly?

I'll tell you what I don't want right now.

Emperor Claudius, welcome to Britannia.

I trust your journey was a pleasant one.

The whole country's a toilet. Where's your physician?

-Physician, my Lord? -Yes, man. A doctor.

Is my Emperor unwell?

Comfy, they said, fit for a god.

That fat beast's got a backbone like a battering ram.

I've been on it for five-fuck-arse minutes, I've got the shakes,

the voices, my head is on fire, and I've got piles to my fucking ankles.

Commander, a physician. Now!

Fucking Jupiter!

-Take care, would you? -I'm doing my best.

So, come on. What have I missed?

All Cantii and Iceni lands are pacified.

Rebels fled north, the Ninth pursued and annexed any sympathetic tribes.

My apologies, Caesar.

Our control of Britannia now stretches from the southern coast

to Lindum Colonia in the north, to the mountains.

-Meanwhile the Atrebates... -Fucking...

I tell you this arse is shot.

I'm thinking of closing it and opening a new one nearby.