Family Guy

Welcome to Quahog's first recreational dispensary.

Now, as you all know, I was against this.

I fought it tooth.

Maybe I should've also fought it nail.

But that time is gone.

Settle down. There's enough drugs for everybody.

Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys

with blond dreadlocks than I thought.

- Mmm. - And a fair number of Black ladies

with the blond dreadlocks guys.

Cleveland, what do you think...

We don't like to talk about it, Peter.

It's a big problem in our community.

It's just, you should know, in the white community,

these guys are kind of considered, like, big time rascals.

We're aware. It's being handled.

There was just a big Zoom about it.

- Maybe you could... - We're gonna go ahead

and deal with this one in-house.

How ya doin'?

There is a plan.

That's all I need to know.

Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in witness protection when I'm at breakfast?

Susie and I saw you unloading groceries

and wanted to let you know

if you need to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.

And, you know, you can't soak cast iron skillets, right?

It strips the seasoning.

Oh, Mrs. S is throwing haymakers.

- It's not soaking. I'm cooking water. -

Oreos! Here we go, baby!

I want Oreos!

Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.

Besides, they're not for babies.

They're for rewarding good behavior

in developmentally slow adults.

- -

So then I was like,

"What if I've also been the mailman the whole time?"

Yeah, you were saying that in the car.

I know, but you didn't respond.

Let's, uh... Let's lock these guys up in the cabinet for a while, huh?

Yeah, I think that would be best.

Bingo.

Oh, baby. Bonus candy.

Mmm. Not really feeling the sugar rush.

I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.

Good idea, Rupert. Music will help me relax.

Okay, this is good. This is helping.

Why should I be afraid of dying?

Wait, what?

Dead.

I wonder if this is why Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.

Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.

I think I may take a gap year.

You know, hit the road.

There's something I've been searching for for a while that I need to find.

A little guy named Stewie Griffin.

Can... can you hear any of this?

I'm not even trying to listen anymore.

I'm thinking about soccer.

Guys, what are you doing up here?

Big no-no. The roof is off limits.

Stewie, are you... high?

Yeah. So are you. We're on the roof.

Okay, I heard that.

That was funny.

We now return to a Dateline with a beloved town dentist.

- He did it. It was him. -

Peter, we got a big problem.

It appears Stewie was high on pot at school.

Excuse me for one second.

Lois! Someone's at the door for you.

Joe, why do you have Stewie?

I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois,

but apparently, Stewie was high at school.

- What? - It's the worst thing

I've seen in my career.

And I've seen four dead bodies.

Though technically, that was a zip-lining accident in Costa Rica.

- O... okay. - Maybe not the best idea

having 13-year-olds securing those carabiners.

- Joe, I... - They wouldn't let me

bring my own camera on the zip-line.

Odd, right?

Well, turns out they just want to sell you their photos.

I'll take it from here, Joe. Thanks for bringing him home.

This is a serious offense, Lois.

I have a court order to remove him from your custody.

What? No. Please!

I'm sorry, Lois.

No!

My baby! Please!

I gotta keep Stewie entertained, so I'm gonna need your iPad.

What?

No! My baby! Please!

Hey, what's gonna happen with Stewie?

Well, he's at the Swansons until I complete

court-ordered online parenting classes.

Throwing this out there.

If you want a new baby in six months, let me know.

You gotta tell me within five months.

Eh, five-and-a-half max.

So, Stewie, I know your dad is a pretty funny guy,

but I'm kind of the "your dad" around here.

Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk about being funny. He just is.

Yeah, Stewie, comedy's pretty big in this house, too.

In fact, I recently submitted a packet to get into the Capitol Steps.

Nobody knows what that is, Joe.

They're pretty well known in the political satire, off-center comedy world.

Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill is a generous tipper?

I make a bit of hay about that in the packet.

Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.

Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!

Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.

So sorry, but we're gonna pass.

We're looking for someone more off-center, more skewed, if that makes sense?

That's what I am!

There's plenty of other comedy groups.

Oh, really?

Like the Capitol "freaking" Steps?

- What about... - If you say the words.

"Ocean State Follies,"

I swear to God, I'll empty my bag all over the floor.

Meg, please, I really need the laptop.

I'm just about done with my parenting classes,

and then I can get Stewie back.

One sec. I gotta finish this mandatory

sexual harassment course today,

or I'm not allowed around the janitors.

True or false. It's okay to slap a man's bottom

if he knows you.

That's got to be true.

- False. - I'm done.

Thanks, Meg.

This has been so hard for me.

A mama just can't be separated from her kiddos.

Well, I'm off to Denver with the guy from the magic shop.

Okay. See you at dinner.

Only if you're in the greater Denver area there, Hoss.

I'm just gonna give you the "title" of the sketch.

It's called "The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."

The jokes write themselves.

- Do one. -

Here it is. I'm done with my parenting class.

Where's my baby?

I'm happy for you, Lois, but don't let this happen again.

We ran out of diapers, so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.

Oh, Stewie. I am so happy to have you back.

Momma's never gonna let anything like this happen again, okay?

This place is a nightmare.

They don't even have a xylophone on a string that you can drag behind you.

Well, if nobody's next, I guess I'll just go again.

Now that Stewie is back, we're gonna have some new rules to keep us safe.

First, it is no longer sufficient for our pet to look after our baby.

Probably... probably the right call.

Second, kids' bedroom doors are not allowed to be closed all the way.

I am happy to do this,

but I need you to be absolutely sure you've thought it out.

You don't win this one, Mom.

I'm striking that last rule.

We are gonna start using the buddy system.

If you leave, you go with your buddy.

You're okay with all these rules, Dad?

Sorry, bud, but I agree with Mom on this stuff.

I learned a lot from the dad's version of the parenting classes.

He took a run at Stefan there,

and now it's all breaking loose.

I also do dishes on holidays.

Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen time, so I'm gonna read you a book.

This one is called "There's a Monster at the End of this Book."

Peter? Stewie? Wh... where'd you guys go?

Lois, you need to, very carefully,

remove that book from this room.

Why bring it into the house?

Why take that chance?

Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.

I'm an introvert. I gotta recharge.

You know the rules.

One of us has to be with him at all times.

Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.

Why does Meg get to live her best life in Denver?