Haunted Mansion

Welcome, Foolish Mortals,

to New Orleans.

A most paranormal place.

Where somber funerals end in celebration.

Where death is not an ending,

but a new beginning.

And even grief can be a doorway to joy,

if one is willing to walk through it.

It's 11:58! Let's get ready.

- Wow. -Excuse me, bartender.

Uh, sorry, sorry. Excuse me, bartender.

Can I get a drink? Oh, okay.

Here.

You can have mine.

Then you won't have any.

That's fine, I'm not drinking much.

Maybe we could share it.

Yeah.

Are you here with somebody?

Yes.

I am here with my co-workers

who are right behind me, I'm sure, being very awkward.

What is it that you do?

Um, I'm an astrophysicist.

That's like, um,

a rocket scientist.

Oh. Um, more "optics."

- Optics. - I create lenses.

For instance, I'm currently working on a formula to map dark matter

by combining instructions we already have in place

with what we're learning from quantum mechanics,

and it's really quite complicated, but...

Yeah, sounds like you're trying to see the unseen.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

But you said it in a much better way.

Okay, I kind of, um...

I kind of do the same thing.

I give ghost tours.

Oh. So, you don't do the same thing at all.

Not at all, but it's kinda like it.

I, um... I help people see things they can't always see.

Like ghosts flying through the air.

- Apparitions... -Ten!

- ...spirits flying through walls... -Nine! Eight!

- ...and possessing people. - You're making fun of me...

Seven!

- ...but come on one of my tours. -Six! Five!

- Yeah. -Four!

Yes.

Three! Two! One!

Happy New Year!

I'm Ben.

Alyssa.

Ben?

Ben!

- Ben? - Huh?

Listen, I hate to pile on top of what I assume is a bad day,

but, uh, this thing isn't working.

What makes you think I'm having a bad day?

Why am I assuming that you're having a bad day?

'Cause you smell like yesterday.

Here.

How many are out there?

- Seven. - Okay, seven.

Why are you still leading her tour?

Look, I can sneak you out the back.

Oh, no, they'll follow me.

They always do.

Yeah.

Oh!

Are you Ben, our tour guide?

- Yes, I am. - I'm from Syracuse.

Great, we're gonna read some names. That's what we're gonna do.

And I wanna hear H-E-R-E, the word "here,"

and that's the only word I need to hear, got it?

Um, so it looks like we have a "John Peluso"?

Present.

Been an accountant for almost 50 years.

Oh, I don't care.

It looks like we also have a Carol.

Here!

I'm a Carol. Are you a Carol?

Yeah, I mean, like, that's so funny!

Carol's a very common name.

Isn't this building supposed to be haunted?

This is an historical walking tour. Hey, hey, hey.

I will show you things, and I will talk about them.

No ghost stories.

So, uh,

well, I hear that this cathedral here, that has ghosts.

No such thing as ghosts.

Oh, I believe in ghosts.

My aunt Barbara, she was an avid birder

and she adored hummingbirds.

Day of her funeral, what do we see?

A hummingbird!

Okay, Carols,

let me impart a little bit of truth on to you.

I've been in every "haunted house"

in the most haunted city in the world.

I've even been in that building. Seventy-two hours.

You wanna know what I found?

Nothing. Not a thing.

Ghosts don't exist. Life is dirt. We're all dirt!

Sorry...

Uh, I'm sorry.

All right, come on.

Welcome home.

Hey.

It's the movers.

- Yeah, we're here. How close are you?

How are you four hours behind? We left at the same time.

Yeah. No, I understand a lunch break,

but this sounds a little bit more like dinner and a movie.

We'll see you when we see you.

Ugh, these movers.

Travis?

Oh, I'm over here, Mom.

Uh, just checking out the house.

It's time. It's time.

Someone's here.

Places everyone. Places.

He can see us.

This place is going to be great when we fix it up.

Oh!

Wow.

You wanna pick out your room?

It's probably upstairs.

- Love it? No.

Not today.

Welcome home!

No, no, no!

Pumpkin. What's wrong?

This place is haunted!

All right, now, hang on.

Now, I know this place isn't as

warm as I had hoped.

But, you know, I think we get some daylight in here,

it's gonna feel better.

Hey, I'm gonna light a vanilla candle and it's gonna be a game changer.

Will it though?

Sweetie, I need you to give this place a chance.

This is our home now.

Nah. We're out.

No, no.

Come on, get in the car. Get in the car.

Seat belts. Safety first.

- Why won't it... - Slow, slow,

- you got this, you got this. - Okay.

- Mommy's got you. - Okay.

Don't you worry about it, I love antiques, but not that much!

You'll be back.

You'll be back.

Okay, okay. I got it, Alyssa.

Excuse me, hey, do you know the guy who lives here?

Oh, yeah. But he's not very friendly.

Whoa...

Ow!

Hello?

So, this is how a genius lives.

- What are you doing? - Whoa, whoa!

Take it easy, take it easy, I'm not a thief!

Look. No, the treasures I seek are in heaven.

What kind of psychopath just enters someone's house, huh?

I'm sorry, I know opportunity usually knocks,

but sometimes it just can't wait.

- Like right now. - What? What?

Why are you...

Why do you have a cat?

- This isn't yours? - No.

Oh, I thought it was yours. He was beggin' to get in.

Onwards, my furry friend. Onwards.

I guess the little guy just could feel

all the positive energy flowin' out of this...

charming apartment.

Should we crack a window?

I'm Father Kent, by the way.

Hi, Kent.

- You mind if I take a seat? - Uh, absolutely, I mind.

Okay, okay, okay.

Listen, one question and then I leave.

You wanna be a hero?

Pass.

- You ready to have your mind blown? - Goodbye.

Two words.

Spectral Photography.

Yeah.

That catch your attention?

Because it sure caught mine.

I mean, did you really create a camera strong enough

to capture something called the "ghost particle"?

No, I never called it that. That was the press.

Anyway, I was professionally ridiculed.

Hey, Dr. Frankenstein.

There's a man of science, and they came at him with pitchforks.

And why?

For trying to create something.

He created a monster, all right?

- That, if I'm not mistaken... - Well...

...killed a few people, I think, right?