The Nanny

Fran; My head is so itchy.

I think I'm allergic to this hat.

Oh, sweetie, I hope not.

I mean, it is so adorable.

Well; You know what

maybe you are allergic to it.

-Bye, angel. -Bye, Fran.

Oh, how dare you order me about in that manner, sir?

After 30 years of loyal service,

I think I deserve a little more respect.

God, I wish he was home.

I am. Oh!

Oh, why don't you cut him some slack?

I mean, he is your boss

and he's under a lot of pressure.

Oh, stop trying to butter up the pompous brat.

I turned it off.

No, you turned it up.

Oh, life is just not fair.

I'm as smart as he is, as talented as he is.

Who thought up this system of

the haves and the have-nots, anyway?

Eh, that would be the haves.

Doesn't working as a menial laborer ever get to you?

No; This Nanny gig is only temporary.

I got bigger dreams, baby.

Someday I'm gonna be Mrs. Have.

Hmm.

And I'll be Mrs. Have's butler.

Not with that attitude, mister.

I'm sorry. I'm being a pill.

I can be peppy and make those little chocolate cakes you like.

Oh, this is what it's come to. I'm sucking up to the maid.

And you were this close to working for us.

Huh.

You know, all this anger and bitterness

is just a mask for low self-esteem.

Where does all this come from?

Hey, Niles, could you wash my underwear?

Oh, would you look at this.

Brighton leaves a half-eaten 3 Musketeers bar in his pants.

I love him.

I can tell you your mother never left any food

in her pockets.

Although I once found a chicken carcass.

Oh, God.

Beautiful!

Thank you.

No wonder the joint is empty.

Ah, Yetta;

And to what do we owe the pleasure?

Sylvia told me to meet her for lunch.

I assumed here.

Ah, Miss Fine; I have an important meeting tonight,

So I'm afraid I'm gonna have to reschedule family night.

Reschedule?

But this was when you were gonna spend quality time

with me and the kids, don't you remember?

Dinner and a romantic carriage ride

after we dump the kids at the movies?

Well, uh, listen, why don't you take them somewhere?

There you go. I'm sure you'll all have a wonderful time.

You know, you're just spending less and less time with the kids.

And they need a masculine influence.

I'll go. I don't have any estrogen.

I'm sorry, but I just think that it's important

that parents spend time with their children.

They should talk to them and take them shopping

and... and visit them all the time

and eat them out of house and home

and nag them about not being married.

When is ma moving to Boca?

Oh, Hi, Ma.

Fran; I'm sorry I'm late picking up Yetta.

I was at the gym.

When did you join a gym?

When they put in a muffin bar.

Ma; You know, when they say do a hundred crunches,

they don't mean Nestles.

Oh; Hi, sweetie.

Baby, stop scratching your head like that.

People are gonna think you got lice.

I do. They sent me home from school.

Oh, my God!

Oh, there's a lice epidemic

at your $14,000 a year school.

Vermin they give you,

but you still gotta bring your own juice.

You better be careful.

Your father got lice from his poker cronies.

Fortunately, I just threw his hair out.

Oh, Ma; This doesn't reflect well on me at all.

I mean, how can I not know this?

I'm the closest person in the world to these kids.

-Fran; It itches. -That's close enough, sweetie.

Bugs jump.

Okay, kids, you heard the doctor, we've all got lice.

Take off your sheets and pillow cases,

we got to boil them.

You want me to get yours?

No; Mine has to be burned.

I want that gorgeous Bill Blass comforter set.

Well, isn't it amazing?

The doctor confirmed that all three of your children

have lice and me,

but you don't.

Now what does that say to you?

It says, "Welcome to the Four Seasons,

Maui, Mr. Sheffield."

No; It says you don't spend enough time at home.

If you cared about your children,

you'd be covered in lice like I am.

How did they penetrate six layers of Final Net?

Ooh, like a biosphere up there.

Miss Fine;

The reason I am not with my children

is that I happen to work very hard.

You don't see me lounging around the house

in my underwear.

And would it kill you to give it a shot?

You know, my father was a butler for 44 years

and I don't remember him doing any of this crap.

Wait a minute; You dropped this.

Oh, "Secure alibi, cut phone line",

"put on gloves, tape mouth..."

"Clean up blood, dispose of evidence,

pick up bananas"?

Niles; What's with this cockamamie list?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, give me that.

You didn't read it, did you?

Oh, well,

suppose for argument's sake I did,

what would you do?

Miss Fine; This is very private.

And if you read it, I would be very, very upset with you.

Well, that's why I didn't read it. Bye-bye.

I tell you, Val, when I saw that list,

I-I just got chills up my spine.

Well, Fran, your suspicions are valid.

Obviously his schizophrenic tendencies

are about to manifest themselves in a homicidal rage.

Yeah, but what about the bananas?

Well, I'm no expert,

but I'm thinking a pie.

Excuse me,

I called earlier about picking up the special shampoos.

The name's Fran Fine.

Hey, Rick; Fran Fine's here for her head lice shampoo.

Here it is.

Fran Fine for lice, ticks, fleas...

Shhhh.

Look at this, I'm getting attitude

from a man holding a Fleet Enema.

I'm telling you, Fran, Niles fits the profile.

Serial killers usually have menial jobs,

no long-term relationships,

and deep seated issues with their mother.

No, wait, wait, they usually have high IQs.

-Oh, God. -Oh, Val; I'm sorry I doubted you.

Okay, okay,

Let's see.

Most serial killers have three names.

John Wayne Gacy.

Richard Allen Speck.

Son of Sam.

Oh, Val, what are we talking about here?

We're not dealing with some sicko stranger.

-Yeah. -It's Niles,

I know him very well.

I stand behind Mr. Niles...

...the killer. -Ah!

Fran; I cannot believe that you have lived

in the same house with Niles for four years

and you know nothing about him.

Have you ever even been in his bedroom?

Val; That wasn't the bedroom

-I was concentrating on getting into. -Oi.

Oh, Niles' room is so,

so small and depressing.

You know;

No wonder he's always walking past your room and looking in.

He's envious.

No, he's horny.

Come on, we got to find some incriminating evidence.

What?

Look at this. Duct tape.

Oh, wait a minute,

He's not Jewish,

He knows how to fix things.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Hey; This is Niles,