3rd Rock from the Sun

Hey, dick, can I borrow the car keys? I have a date with August.

- Sure, Tommy. - You can't give him the keys. He can't drive.

How do you know? I've never tried it. I could be great at it.

- Check and mate. - He doesn't even have a license.

- You don't have your license yet? - I'm taking driver's ed.

- She's right. No keys for you. - Ha ha!

- Then what am I supposed to do? - Sally, you drive him.

Ha ha!

Hey there, tiger.

You remember my daughter Vicki, don't you?

Sure. I put a Turkey carcass on my head

and had sex with her on your kitchen table.

That's my little girl.

So, what brings you to rutherford?

She's back for her high school reunion.

Thanks for killing the surprise, mama.

Ever since they canceled "Ryan's hope,"

she's been real moody.

So, Vicki, why didn't you return any of my phone calls?

Well, I wanted to, but they... They put a lock on the phone

down at social services.

Well, I'm glad you're here

'cause I could use some social services.

Come on, come on. Anyone.

- "Y" to the fourth power. - No.

11?

No.

- Velocity squared? - No.

That guy from "jeopardy"?

No, no, no!

Dr. Solomon, can't you just tell us the answer?

We've been guessing for 45 minutes now.

You've been guessing?

All right, people, due to your staggering ineptitude

with the most basic concepts of quantum superpositions,

I am issuing the following assignment:

You will write a five-page letter to your parents

apologizing for wasting their money.

I want them on my desk tomorrow morning for my approval

and a blistering p.S.

And bring a stamp, damn it. I'm not a post office.

Don: The wedding chapel was only two miles away.

All she had to do was come to a complete stop

and turn on her blinker,

but I guess she had more important things to think about.

And now she's dead!

- Any questions? - Yeah. Where can I rent that movie?

You can't.

Class dismissed.

Hey, Tommy.

Hello, Don.

- Hello, Sally. - Tommy said

you were showing "the bride wore asphalt."

- Did I miss it? - Yes, but...

- Maybe I can arrange for a private screening. - When?

- Now. - Can we watch it backwards?

You're a sucker for a happy ending.

Look, her head's back on.

- Judith. - As head of the disciplinary committee,

it is my sad duty to inform you

that one of your students has registered a complaint against you.

There must be some mistake.

Is it true that you forced them to write humiliating letters to their parents?

Well, yes, but that can't be it.

I'm afraid it is, and according to university rules of conduct,

you must attend sensitivity training.

My office will contact you.

Oh, and dick, I wouldn't leave town.

I don't need sensitivity training,

you strident, power-mad tart!

- ( Groans ) - Happy birthday, dad.

Of course I remembered.

How's the chest pains?

Mary, do you think I'm insensitive?

You just hung up on my father.

Now, don't try to change the subject.

Okay, fine. You're insensitive.

I am?

Oh, come on, dick. It wouldn't kill you

to occasionally think of people's feelings before you speak.

What a bunch of crap.

You log 40 billion light-years without a single moving violation,

they make you take a road test anyway.

Welcome to earth, folks.

You don't need that book. Just use your common sense.

Green means go. Yellow means slow down.

Red means stop and check your make-up.

That's my best friend.

That's Kenny.

Ooh, Jace Carter. Ooh!

Whoa! Who's the biker chick

with the confederate flag and the bottle of bourbon?

That's me.

Nice.

Harry, I was wondering

if maybe... you'd be my date to the reunion.

I'd love to.

Will there be... Turkey?

- ( Door slams ) - Family meeting! Family meeting!

Both: What?

I've just heard the most upsetting thing.

Someone has accused me of insensitivity.

You're not family! Get out!

What is it with this planet's preoccupation with sensitivity?

You should be able to have an open dialogue with anyone, like we do.

We can say anything to each other and not take offense.

For example, Tommy wouldn't object if I mentioned

that he was a greasy little disappointment.

What's to argue?

Sally couldn't dispute that she's a sadistic bimbo.

You got me. And, dick, you're a rubber-faced bag of wind.

Well said! And Harry, you're an idiot.

Thank you, sir. May I have another?

Hooray... For personal growth.

Today we're going to learn how to breathe, how to listen,

and how to say "I have a personality disorder."

- Wait a minute... - Dick, I hear you.

Can... you... hear... me?

Yes. You're the annoying guy in the unitard.

Dick, labels disable.

Okay, we're all shipwrecked at sea.

There's very little food left and one passenger too many.

I say we eat the big, fat guy.

Boo, dick! Boo!

How about the woman with the bad hairdo?

Your work is incompetent. You get an "f." You fail.

You're right.

My work has been weak, but it's not my fault.

I'm just not as smart as you are.

Ah, I suppose you have a point.

I am exceedingly brilliant.

You just go so fast, I can't follow you.

And now I'll never get a job.

I'll have to sell my feet for key chains.

I've never heard things from your point of view before.

Maybe I have been a little hard on you. I'm... I'm...

I'm sorry. ( Sobbing )

I think someone needs a hug.

Okay, class, I thought we'd try something different.

- No kidding. - Now,

let's reflect on the ballet that is physics.

In standard quantum chromodynamics, the lagrange density

equals one over four pi

times the square of the field strength tensor.

Now, given that there is this concentration

of intense nucleic energy,

how many hydronic jets will emerge

when the quark-anti quark line

within the meson ruptures? Bug?

A million?

- Does that mean I'm right? - No, not even close, bug,

but you tried, and that's what makes you special.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Do you want me to say it slower? - No.

Class, I have your midterms.

Now, I didn't want anyone to feel stress, so I've abandoned

the traditional grading system,

and I'm giving you all happy faces.

I can't apply to graduate school

with a happy face in physics.

Graduate school?

I don't think any of you have to worry about that.

Nina, did you make the appointment for my high colonic?

There are two things I don't do.

I don't pick up dry cleaning, and I don't schedule enemas, okay?

That's okay. I forgive you.

- Mary, are we still on for dinner? - Sure.

I was thinking of wearing this.

It's not coming off anytime soon, is it?

Dr. Solomon...

Oh, dear god. I'll make this brief.

Your students have filed a class-wide complaint against you.

You are required to appear

before the disciplinary committee, which I chair.

What?! I give them happy faces on their mid-terms,

and this is how they repay me?

- Yeah, that's messed up. - ( Groans )

That's it. No more Mr. Nice guy.