Goal of the Dead

Fuck you!

Something weird's going on.

Some kind of riot.

They're burning cars.

Given the refereeing, no wonder.

FIRST HALF

Sam, what's your town called again?

Caplongue.

It hasn't been my town for ages.

First result for Paris,

Who move up the table below Evian.

Suprised, Herve?

They made an awful start, well below par.

So far this year, it's a disgrace.

In my case, tonight, no worries for Olympique.

It's a cup game against amateurs Caplongue. An easy draw.

Not so sure. There's still a bit of history.

The Clubs met 17 years ago, and who was the Caplongue star?

Samuel Lorit.

Lorit, the club's oldest player bought from Caplongue

after his brilliant performances at the time.

Caplongue, weird.

Testing, testing, can you hear me?

Now? OK.

1, 2, yes? Right...

See the return of local boy, Samuel Lorit!

Tonight, feel the heat at Lagrippe! Hip, hip, hip!

Lagrippe Stadium

Paris had a tough start to the season,

and have struggled to get top players.

They have young star Idriss Diago, but he can't do it all.

As they say, a great #10 doesn't make a team.

Coubert's smart, because he has few choices.

He only has kids in defence.

Up front, it's all old men.

At least Diago's been rested. Credit for that.

Calm down!

Whatever!

It's all bullshit!

Don't listen to them.

Journalists just try and stir up tension.

They've got a point.

Idriss, turn it off.

I'd quite like to see Paris in league 2.

I told you, studs on in the changing room!

What?

Guys, you have to step up your French.

You've been here 2 months, and you can't say hello.

Can't understand a word.

Cochini? What the hell!

The woman following the team this weekend is our ray of sunshine, Solene Bellanger.

The game's not live, but you'll be there filling us in.

I'm using this low-pressure game to get to know Olympique's star, Idriss Diago,

His interests, his hopes, and his past.

His past? He's only 12.

As for Samuel Lorit, he's probably playing one of his last premier league games.

No! What a great loss for soccer!

DR. BELVAUX, MD

SAM LORIT Return of a Local Hero

Time for the magic potion!

You got to focus on your goal today.

And that goal is?

Win the match.

Of course, but above all?

Revenge, Jeannot! We've waited ages for this day.

I dunno, Pop. It was a long time ago.

Don't back down now.

I knew it wouldn't be much fun doping you up.

There.

Martine! Get that?

I'll be right there. All right.

Kill Sam Lorit!

Sam!

Motherfucker!

Asshole! Dickwad! Fucker!

I'll pull off your dick and fuck you in the eye.

Jizz-eating Parisian gay-boy!

I'll kill you!

Jeannot?

Is it rolling, Fred? Let's start.

So, Idriss, you're a key player in this team.

Are you still happy at club?

To be honest, not to be a drag or anything,

I can't answer without my agent.

It's a contractual thing.

Would say you're the driving force in the team?

Yeah, maybe. I try to help the team, you know?

Do you have any role models, any references?

Yeah, sure, I do have one.

It's kind of down to him that I wanted to play soccer.

As a kid, when I saw his videos, I was like, wow!

I tried to do the same moves, I tried to run like him.

I try to copy his technique.

The way he handles the ball, I try to do the same.

He was a real model for me.

He was the one who made me want to do this job.

But I can't say who. It's a brand thing.

You have to dominate. Journalism is a battle.

You're giving in.

Idriss, Idriss?

Next season's coming up. Have any foreign clubs been in touch?

Didn't you hear? I said I can't answer without my agent.

What's this about?

It's a sort of introspective look...

I don't do introspective.

He's a footballer. Use your charm.

Thanks for the tip.

Sure.

Patricia?

Patricia's the one with big tits. I'm Solene.

OK, hello.

Excuse me. I wanted to say, I'm fully available.

For?

The introspection thing.

I'm in the middle of it, going back home after all these years.

Cute, he's gonna see mom, the farmer.

What's your problem? Want some?

Sorry! You OK?

What was that?

I didn't see a thing.

Whatever it was, we hit it.

Too high for a wild boar.

More like a stag, but a big one!

Could be, but...

Where is it, then?

It's gone away to die. That's what they do.

Hey, coach!

What's up, Idriss?

Pee stop, can we?

Use the bus WC.

No way, the cameraman's stunk it out.

Wait till we're there.

I can't, boss. I didn't go before we left.

OK, but hurry.

Right away.

Hey, coach!

What?

Can we pee?

OK. Go on, everyone. Hurry up!

CAPLONGUE 1 stadium, 765 seats, 4 ultras

Teddy to Popeye, do you copy?

I'll call you later. Have fun!

OK, copy that.

Say hi to Satanas 85 and Superwoman.

Teddy, we're sick of your truckers!

Turn it off. It's so annoying.

Did you think about the words?

Yeah.

Here.

Let's see,

Paris, capital city. Paris, you're so shitty.

That's good. That say's it all.

Paris, capital city. Paris, you're so shite!

They won't know what hi them!

Mum always said you had a gift for writing.

You're nothing without the Ivorian!

Isn't that racist?

Ivorian's not racist. It's not like I said, black.

Anyway, Diago's not Ivorian, he's Senegalese.

Senegalese is all right, but Ivorian's borderline.

Not at all. It's the same thing!

What rhymes with Senegalese?

The club's reputation is on the line.

We don't want bad press.

We don't like Diago because he's Parisian.

It's a bit like you. Are you from Paris or here? Who knows?

There's no doubt. I'm from Caplongue.

Remind me, where were you born?

Paris.

There you go.

What does that mean? Come on!

My Mum was in Paris and went into labour. It was an accident.

You're a Parisian!

Hands off the Caplongue anthem. You've no right.

Pitt, tell him to stop. Am I from here or not?

Michel, let's say today is an initiation test.

To be sure you're one of us. If you pass, you're in.

All for one, Michel.

If you ever cop out

to protect your Parisian buddies,

you know what to expect. Right?

No, we have to find something else.

We've got to lose the Ivorian bit.

We need something

that'll knock them out.

Will you let me take a look?

No.

I'm really sorry. That guy was really getting in my face.

No big deal. Just a nose bleed.

Luckily.

Are we on for the interview?

Let's go, Sam. Come on, guys!

I'm sorry!

Come on. Galliano.

Thanks, coach.

That's good, let's go.

Souleiman, let's go.

The Parks, come on.

You're really doing my head in. Come on, let's go.

Yeah, OK, come on, hurry up.