Friends

Come in.

I've been waiting for you.

Hi, I just...

Ah! Oh, my God! Monica!

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry! I was...

I was taking a nap.

Since when do you take naps in that position?

Tell me you were waiting for a guy. Please tell me.

Yes, I was. A guy.

From work.

I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!

That cute waiter guy from your restaurant.

The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?

Aha. That one!

Give me a second. I'll be out of your hair. I'm just going to grab a jacket.

When I get back, I want every little detail.

Maybe that's him.

Okay, um... Okay, um...

It's just Joey and Ross.

Why aren't you at the movie?

We were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out.

I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!

- He's talking to London. - Did he get in touch with Emily?

No. He's calling everyone on her side of the family...

...hoping someone will help him get in touch with her.

I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!

Ross.

Way to suck up to the family!

I'm so glad you're all here. My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!

- Hey - Oh, no, no! Vomit tux! No, no! Vomit tux!

Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.

Vomit tux?

Who vomited on...

You know what? What you up to, Joe?

They're doing this telethon thing on TV.

And my agent got me a job as co-host!

That's great!

A little good deed for PBS, plus some TV exposure.

That's the kind of math Joey likes to do.

Oh, PBS!

- What's wrong with PBS? - What's right with them?

Why don't you like PBS?

Right after my Mom killed herself, I was in this bad place, you know, personally.

So I just thought it would make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street.

Because they were so nice when I was a little kid.

No one ever wrote back.

A lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.

All I got was a lousy keychain, and by that time, I was living in a box.

I didn't have keys!

I'm sorry, Pheebs.

I just wanted to do a good deed, like you did with the babies.

This isn't a good deed. You just want to get on TV. This is totally selfish.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What about you having those babies for your brother?

Talk about selfish!

What are you talking about?

It was a nice thing, but it made you feel good, right?

Yeah, so?

It made you feel good so that makes it selfish.

Look, there's no unselfish good deeds. Sorry.

Yes, there are totally good deeds that are selfless!

May I ask for one example?

Yeah, it's... You know, there's...

No, you may not!

That's because all people are selfish.

Are you calling me selfish?

Are you calling you people?

Sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist.

Okay?

And you know the deal on Santa Claus, right?

I'm gonna find a selfless good deed. I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!

- Hello? - Hello, Ross?

Emily?

Oh, my God! It's Emily!

It's Emily, everyone! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Hi.

I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Goodbye.

Wait! Okay, okay, you can hang up, but I'll keep calling everyone in England...

...if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me.

Really? About what?

Look, you're my wife. We're married.

You know, I love you.

I really miss you.

I miss you too.

Well, at least I think I do.

She's talking.

When you said "the deal with Santa Claus," you meant?

That he doesn't exist.

Right.

Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?

Yeah, she might have mentioned him.

So, Mon, when are we going to meet this new, secret waiter man?

He's really shy. I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

I don't care, I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had.

Really?

That's what you heard? You said that?

I might have said that.

Why is that funny?

Because I'm very happy for him.

And you! You lucky dog!

- Hi. Hey.

Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.

- That's great! - Yes!

In London.

- What? - She wants me to move to London.

But you live here.

You know that.

What are you gonna do?

I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan...

...I could convince them to move to London with Ben.

I'm sure your ex-wife would be more than happy to move to another country...

...so you can patch things up with your new wife.

It could happen.

How you doing? Welcome. Good to see you.

This'll be your phone.

That's great.

But I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.

No, you answer it and take pledges.

But I'm the host.

No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phone.

You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Well, here's your phone, doctor.

I can't believe I can't find a selfless good deed.

You know that really old guy that lives next door to me?

I snuck over there and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop.

But he caught me, and he force-fed me cider and cookies.

Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!

Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.

I will find a selfless good deed. Because I just gave birth to three children...

...and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey's right!

Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?

- Sure. - If you're cooking on the stove...

...does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?

Chandler.

Is he?

I think I'm going to respect the privacy of my new, secret boyfriend.

Why?

If this guy was me...

...and it's me who'd learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had...

...I'd be going like this:

All right, Emily.

As much as I love you...

...I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.

I understand that would be difficult.

Would you consider moving here? You were moving here anyway.

Why can't you just do that?

I don't know. It's just...

Okay, okay, but I know that even though I've been a complete idiot up till now...

...you have to come here.

You have to, so we can work this out together.

All right.

All right? Did you just say "all right"?

I did. Now I'm the idiot.

Emily, that is so great!

It'll be great!

We're going to be like two idiots in love!

Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.

- Yes, tell me. - You have to understand...

...how humiliating it was for me up on that altar...

...in front of my entire family, all my friends.

I know. I am so sorry.

And then, after deciding to forgive you...

...seeing you at the airport, catching our plane with her.

Again, very sorry.

I mean, I can't be in the same room as her.

It drives me mad thinking of you being in the same room as her.

Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me.

Okay?

I love you.

All right.

I'll come to New York and we'll try to make this work.

That is so great!

As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.

I asked Emily if she would come to New York.

And she said yes.

Great! - No, no, no.

Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.