Failure to Launch

I just feel really close to you.

You are really close to me.

Well, this way we can share everything.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Wow, that's so good.

Look.

They're still so in love.

Mmm.

How great is that?

So, where do you see us going?

Well, tonight I see us going back to my place.

(THIS GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU PLAYING)

Wow!

- This is your house? - Yeah.

It's beautiful!

Thank you.

I like to come home to a nice place.

(PANTING) I'm happy. Are you happy?

Oh, yeah. Happy is what I'm all about.

Tripp, as long as you're up, Son...

Ooh!

Come on, Pop! Whoa, man. Don't you knock?

What?

Your momma's... She's snoring like a rhino.

And then this music got started...

Oh. Hey, you must be Melody.

Mmm-mmm.

Melissa.

Oh! It's Melissa!

It's Melissa. Okay. All right.

Y'all have a good time.

Night, Pop.

- Huh. - Hmm.

You live with your parents?

Is that a problem?

Are you kidding me?

And she's leaving.

Stomping down the steps.

Unbelievable! Parents?

Putting on her coat.

Did you move that umbrella stand?

Oh, shit!

We gotta get rid of that thing. You know we're gonna get sued?

Damn it!

And she's out.

Another one bites the dust.

And he is still here.

- Morning, Mom. - Morning.

What do you say, Pop?

Good morning, Son.

Get any sleep last night?

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm.

- Okay, honey, here you go. - You're the best, Mom.

Are you kidding me?

- Have a good day. - You, too.

- Don't forget your snack. - Thanks.

- Think fast! - Bye!

So you dumped Melissa?

Well, technically, she dumped me.

What happened?

It was last night. We were in a restaurant.

She sees this elderly couple and they're holding hands,

and then she decides to hold my hand.

So she smiles at me.

Next thing I know, she gives me "the look."

Dude, I'm so sorry.

No harm, no foul, though.

It was just time for her to meet the parents.

Ugh! Not the parents.

- Bye-bye, Melissa. - Whew!

Here we go again.

Yeah. What's your point?

The point is, my friend,

you are afraid of love.

Bullshit. No, no, no, no, no, man, I'm not afraid of love.

I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right?

And sometimes I'm the rebound guy.

Other times, when I get lucky,

I'm the "explore new areas of your sexuality" guy.

But every single time, we have fun.

Thank you.

I have fun, they have fun. It's good for me, it's good for them.

And I would argue that it's damn good for civilisation as a whole.

If more people thought that way...

I do sleep well at night.

On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six.

As opposed to you, who sleeps in a king-sized bed

in your mother's basement?

It's orthopedic, and I need it.

And at least I'm not sponging off my parents

so I can afford to get laid on every continent.

Whoa, whoa!

I'm a rambling man. I'm a tumbleweed. I'm a seeker of truth.

And one truth I've learned, a child is a parent's greatest joy.

Which is why I can't leave my parents' place,

because they would miss me!

Amen, brother!

And yet, in America, we're shunned for our lifestyle.

When we should be celebrating our lifestyle.

- We are men who still live at home. - Yes!

We're not here to apologise about who we are, or how we do it,

- or who we live with. - No!

I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners.

And to every one of those out there who sees something different,

I say bring it on!

'Cause it's going to take a stick of dynamite

to get me out of my parents' house.

The boy's 35 years old!

It's just not fair.

Thirty-five years!

We were good parents, and now we're supposed to be done!

Hey, I don't blame my kid for staying.

Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford.

Well, our son's a flight attendant.

He travels so much it doesn't make any sense

- to have his own apartment. - Yeah.

Plus he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.

Well, I say the whole thing comes down to being afraid to spank.

I mean you can't build a house without a hammer!

Anyone for a guava smasher?

I learned to make them in Maui. These really chase your troubles away.

Cheers, sweetie.

And who is my hot little wahine, huh?

Bev? What is that?

Oh, I got this in Hawaii. This is Lono, the god of fertility.

Bud has one, too. Do you want to see it?

- No! - No!

No. I mean, what's going on here?

- Dougie moved out! - Dougie moved out!

- What? - You're kidding.

- Yes! - When?

What, like two months ago!

It's been amazing!

Hey, how many times a week do you think we do it?

- Oh! - Oh, Bud.

What? Oh!

I can't believe it. How'd you do it? Dougie's a sweet kid, but...

How in the world did you get him to move out?

He met a girl.

Met a girl? Tripp meets a new girl every week.

Well, let's just say maybe he hasn't met the right girl.

AI, I don't want another recliner. I want something new.

Hey, here's something new!

Cup holders.

That's not what I'm talking about.

- Okay. - That's nice.

Get what you want.

Just know that I'm going to be having an affair within the next six months.

If I've gotta recline, I'm making it interesting.

Deal.

Hey, gang.

Let's stay on point here, huh? We're picking out chairs.

Hello, Dolly!

Son, you see her?

Hmm?

Pop? Pick a chair.

This is the one I want.

- Sold. - No, that's polka dot.

We're not gonna put that in the house.

Pop, relax.

She's taking the chair with her when she leaves you.

Uh-uh. We ain't buying that chair.

I am getting this polka-dot chair. I've got my own money.

Unless you start dancing again, you're broke.

- Excuse me. - Hmm?

- That's mine. - Yes, ma'am.

You're buying that?

No.

Want a cocktail, blanket or anything?

No, I just need my 20 minutes.

- For what? - To clear my head.

Ah.

I come here to relax.

Ah!

- You know what helps me? - Hmm?

Put on the Food Network.

Takes the edge right off.

- Gotta find what works for you. - Mmm-hmm.

Okay, look, the salesmen don't mind because I bring them coffee,

and the music selection is a soothing blend

of mid-'70s singer-songwriters and smooth jazz.

- It's practically narcotic. - Hmm.

And, usually, people leave me alone.

Sure they do.

There's what you're talking about.

It's nice, huh?

Yeah! I make fun of my parents, but these babies are sweet.

- I'm Paula. - I'm Tripp.

You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.

Oh, I don't think this counts as a first date.

It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.

Mmm.

Wanna have a drink tonight?

Mmm-mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?