Shanghai Express

- The Shanghai Express ain't gone yet, has it? - No, madam.

I want a ticket to Shanghai. First class, please.

$35.25 cents Mex, madam.

- There's a dining car this time? - Yes, madam.

- Everything but a Turkish bath. -

Hmph!

Shanghai. First class, please.

What have you got in that basket, missus?

Just a little snack of lunch me niece put up for me.

- Ain't got any animals in there? - I hope not.

- -

Good morning, sir.

Porter! Come in here!

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, sir?

I won't share a compartment with this woman.

- I'll change it tonight, sir. - You'll change me now.

I haven't lived for ten years in this country not to know a woman like that when I see one.

Get me another compartment. Take my luggage out of here.

- Here you are, Harvey. - Oh, thanks so much.

- I say, Harvey, you're in for a good time. - Why?

- Do you know who's on this train? - No, who?

- Shanghai Lily. - Who's Shanghai Lily?

Don't tell me you've never heard of Shanghai Lily?

Everybody in China knows her. She's a notorious coaster.

What in the name of Confucius is a coaster?

You're hopeless.

A coaster's a woman who lives by her wits along the China coast.

Newsboy!

See here. Wait a bit.

This magazine you sold me says August 15, 1927.

- Latest number, madam. - But I tell you it's four years old.

Latest number, madam.

Is this 1931, or am I out of me mind?

Madame, je regrette maisje ne vous comprends pas.

Je ne parle pas anglais.

Parlez-vous français?

Parlez-vous français, vous?

She oughta keep it for her history and get herself an education.

- Huh? - Here we are, boy.

I suppose you'll be as glad to be at home as I will.

We know what year it is, don't we?

Now you just be a good boy and don't make any noise,

or they'll put you in the baggage car.

Hup!

There you are, me lad.

All clear till we meet Number 2 outside Tientsin.

I'll have the law on you if you harm a bone in his head!

- He's got to have his biscuits twice a day. - All aboard!

And nothing but boiled water.

Don't worry, Waffles! I'll look after you!

- All aboard! - All aboard!

All aboard.

Well, we're off on time.

Say, partner, do you ever make a little bet?

My name's Sam Salt.

I bet on everything under the sun going right or wrong.

I'll lay you odds that this ol' rattler don't get into Shanghai on time.

Sir, let me remind you that China is in a state of civil war,

and we will be fortunate if we arrive in Shanghai at all.

Nice stone you have there.

There's the mate to it.

Very pretty.

Yes, it is a little stuffy in here, isn't it?

Sir, I'm an invalid.

It's very dangerous for me to travel in a compartment where the windows are open.

We're going to be in here for three days, you know?

Is there anything I can do for you?

I can take care of myself, thank you.

Well, I think I'll get a little air,

if you don't mind.

I'll close the door for you too.

Even money we don't get away for an hour.

Can you tell me what's wrong now?

You're in China now, sir,

where time and life have no value.

I know I'm in China.

Madeline.

Well, Doctor,

I haven't seen you in a long time.

You haven't changed at all, Doctor.

Well, you've changed a lot, Madeline.

Have I, Doc?

Do you mind me calling you "Doc,"

or must I be more respectful?

Ah, you never were respectful, and you always did call me "Doc."

I didn't think I'd ever run into you again.

Have you thought of me much, Doc?

Let's see. Exactly how long has it been?

Five years and four weeks.

Well, for five years and four weeks, I've thought of nothing else.

You were always polite, Doc.

You haven't changed a bit.

You have, Madeline.

You've changed a lot.

Have I lost my looks?

No. You're more beautiful than ever.

- How have I changed? - I don't know. I wish I could describe it.

Well, Doc, I've changed my name.

- Married? - No.

It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily.

So you're Shanghai Lily.

The notorious white flower of China.

You heard of me,

and you always believed what you heard.

And I still do.

You see? I haven't changed at all.

Well, it was nice to see you again, Madeline.

Oh, I don't know.

I heard your gramophone, ladies,

and thought I'd come in and get acquainted, if you don't mind.

Not at all. Come in.

It's a bit lonely on the train, isn't it?

I'm used to having people around.

They put my dog in the baggage car.

That's why I dropped in on you.

I've been visiting my niece in Peking. She married a seafaring man.

He hasn't been home in four years, and she ain't been very cheerful.

I have a boardinghouse in Shanghai.

Yorkshire pudding is my specialty,

and I only take the most respectable people.

Don't you find respectable people terribly... dull?

You're joking, aren't you? I only know the most respectable people.

You see, I keep a boardinghouse.

What kind of a house did you say?

- A boardinghouse. - Oh.

I'm sure you're very respectable, madam.

I must confess I don't quite know the standard of respectability

that you demand in your boardinghouse, Mrs. Haggerty.

I've made a terrible mistake.

I'd better look after me dog.

- I beg your pardon. - I beg yours.

It's a shame allowing such women on a first-class train.

What's the matter with them, parson?

I imagine the Honorable Divine objects to their morals.

Why, I thought they were pretty good-looking. At least Shanghai Lily is.

Do you mean to say that Shanghai Lily is on this train?

- Hot water, sir. - It's about time.

Well, being a married man, I only knew her by sight and reputation.

But I'll lay you 100-to-1 in any currency you've got

that the lady in the next compartment is Shanghai Lily.

- Shanghai Lily. - Is it a bet?

I told you once before, sir...

- Hot towel, please? - No, thank you.

I don't bet.

Well, I'll bet you a Mexican dollar, or whatever you use for money,

that those two dames next door are not going to have an easy time on this train.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- I suppose we shall be in Tientsin soon. - About 11:00 tonight.

- Getting off there? - I wish I were.

But, unfortunately, I have to proceed to Shanghai.

Why "unfortunately"?

Well, sir, I suppose every train carries its cargo of sin,

but this train is burdened with more than its share!

Sir, you seem distressed.

My name's Carmichael! Doctor of Divinity in the service of mankind.

And whom have I the honor of addressing?

Well, sir, my name is Donald Harvey,

Doctor of Medicine in the service of His Majesty.

It's charming to make your acquaintance, sir.

Dr. Harvey, I want to put you on your guard.

On my guard? Why, what's wrong?

One of them is yellow and the other one is white,

but both their souls are rotten.

You interest me, Mr. Carmichael.

I'm not exactly irreligious, but... being a physician,

I sometimes wonder how a man like you can locate a soul,

and, having located it, diagnose its condition as rotten.

That's heathen talk, Doctor. You're a materialist, sir.

Any man with half an eye should be able to see

that those two women are riding this train in search of victims.

A very grave charge, Mr. Carmichael.

I don't know anything about the Chinese woman, but as for the other lady...

Why, confound it, sir. That's Shanghai Lily.

For the last fortnight, I've been attending a man who went out of his mind

after spending every penny on her.

And that's not all I know.

She's wrecked a dozen men up and down the China coast.

Look here, sir. You're mistaken. She's a friend of mine.

Well, sir, if I were in your boots, I wouldn't brag about it.