The Simpsons

You're watching The Simpsons.

You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.

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What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it?

Only on Fox.

D'oh!

(Paul Engemann's "Push It to the Limit" playing)

Damn reruns.

"Even then, a wish, I mind its pow'r,

"A wish that to my latest hour

"Shall strongly heave my breast,

That I for poor auld Scotland's sake..."

All right, you little monsters!

You've awakened Scotland's shame!

Willie, you know you can't play that torture trumpet to kids.

I'll just use it to vape, then.

Class, I would like you to meet your new teacher,

retired Air Force Sergeant Ms. Berrera.

Ay, caramba!

Air Force? Sergeant?

A woman?

: Good morning, crew.

I am proud to be here educating my country.

For you, teacher.

Because if there's one thing I learned in combat,

it's that the most powerful weapon is knowledge.

What's the second most powerful weapon?

Shoulder-mounted anti-tank missile. Duh.

Did you ever American Sniper someone?

Uh, that's really not appropriate for me to say.

How many hospitals did you help build?

Negative three.

Oh, my God, I've got a cool teacher.

What am I doing? I'm sitting up straight,

and my hands are folded like a nerd.

I've got to fix that.

Yes?

Now one's up in the air.

Okay, let's show this innocent young veteran

what happens when you call on Bart Simpson.

Ma'am, my name is Bart,

and I just want to say how delighted I am that you're here.

What the hell?

Thank you, Bart.

A neck tat?

Milhouse, have you ever thought a teacher was cute?

Oh, yeah. I thought Krabappel was smokin'.

I kept every issue of the Fourth Gradishe was in.

Great lady.

Oh, I like it when the drivers sing their blood alcohol level.

Homer, don't forget to pick up milk.

Oh. And not just any milk--

healthy milk, without any hormones.

I won't forget.

Aw, they sell ads in thought bubbles now?

I'm running a basic errand.

Homer Simpson buying a healthy product?

Now I have seen all of the things that there are to see.

That will be $16.

And can I interest you in any, uh, milk insurance?

$16?! Oof,

another case of the rich cows stickin' it to the little guy.

Okay, don't worry. We're going to get you into a milk today.

Hmm. I like it's in a plastic bottle

that'll be around for millions of years.

But is it good for my kids?

I know you have concerns.

But this video will gloss over all of your questions.

It'd better.

Hmm.

How's that milk, Jimmy? Boring.

Now, we could engineer a new Jimmy who is less of a brat,

but we'll just use science to jazz things up.

We used to feed boring old grass to cows.

That might have been fine for Farmer Brown.

But we brought in a next-gen blend of phenyl ketamine,

ketyl phenamine, and a healthy sprinkling

of transuranic elements. But don't worry,

we still get the milk from good old-fashioned cows.

That's the best milk I've ever had.

You said "milk."

We can't, legally.

I'm not the kind of guy advertising works on,

but I'll take 20, no questions asked.

Hmm?

Bart, you're up already?

Don't want to be late for school.

Hair combed, face washed?

I thought I'd shake things up.

Morning, Marge.

Morning, Bart. What the? Ooh, la, la.

Is it a court day today? Hmm, let's see.

Nope, today we're off.

The courthouse is closed because the judge is becoming a citizen.

What gives, boy?

Nothing's going on.

Some days a boy just wants to look

like he's going to church, okay?

I'm the last one to breakfast?

You guys are planning my birthday, right?

'Cause last year's was kind of lonely.

Boy, that's when I realized just how big

a bowling alley really is.

Can we please get a move on? I do not want to miss any school.

Ooh, could this punctual Bart possibly be connected

to your cute new teacher?

Oh, do I have a cute new sexy teacher? I hadn't noticed.

Hey, nothing can turn a boy's life around like a cute teacher.

Like what Michelle Pfeiffer did for Coolio.

In fact, to be supportive, I'll drive Bart to school.

Are you just trying to see how cute the teacher is?

Or how handsome he is, Marge.

: Not a he, right, boy?

No.

Hmm?

Even my dad came back for this!

That's right, son. But, uh, right after this,

I have to go get some cigarettes.

Last time, you never came back. (sobs)

Oh, don't cry, Norman.

That's not my name!

Oh, right. That's my other abandoned son.

I have a brother!

And just what are you doing?

Putting the first new coat of paint on this school

in 30 years.

It's always good

to have a joker in the platoon.

Bart, according to your folder,

you need some extra help.

Can you meet me after class?

No problemo. I can move my 3:30 freeze tag.

Ugh, just cancel.

Bart, I'm glad that you're trying,

but I am worried that you're starting from a place

far behind most students.

It's because I am so troubled, ma'am.

Vulnerable. I need a firm but pretty hand.

Oh. Would you like Martin Prince to tutor you?

No! Last time he was at my house,

he talked about bird-watching all day.

Even my mom got bored, and she loves boredom.

Well, I guess I could see you Tuesdays after school.

Uh, Ms. Berrera?

I was, uh, wondering if you needed any help,

uh, pulling your maps.

You have to give 'em a snap.

Otherwise, they just get longer and longer.

Oh, my God, he loves her, too.

Oh, my God, he loves her, too.

HERRERA (American accent): Oh, my God, they love me, too!

That's right. In my head, I sound like this.

No! No, no, no, no!

What happened? Did jazz die?

Look at me!

Acne? But she's only eight.

Somehow I'm becoming a squeaky-voiced teen!

: Do you want fries with that?

What am I saying?!

I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present.

I've got a starter 'stache. Next, I'm a loser,

then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv.