The Great Outdoors

Take out the papers and the trash

Or you don't get no spendin' cash

If you don't scrub that kitchen floor

You ain't gonna rock and roll no more

Yakety yak Don't talk back

Just finish cleanin' up your room

Let's see that dust fly with that broom

Get all that garbage out of sight

Or you don't go out Friday night

Yakety yak Don't talk back

You just put on your coat and hat

And walk yourself to the Laundromat

And when you'νe finished doing that

Bring in the dog and put out the cat

Yakety yak Don't talk back

You just put on your coat and hat

And walk yourself to the Laundromat

And when you'νe finished doing that

Bring in the dog and put out the cat

Yakety yak Don't talk back

Yakety yak, yakety yak

Yakety yak, yakety yak

Yakety yak, yakety yak

You messed up the words, Ben.

- No. - You messed up the words twice.

It hasn't changed.

God, I would've thought they made some improvements or something.

Come on, everybody.

Hey.

Our Lady of Victory...

- Pray for us. Break! - Let's go.

Watch the doors.

Whoa! Trees in the parking lot.

Nature all around us, boys.

Take it in. Take it all in.

I'm gonna go check us in.

This is great.

Well? Is this a real North Woods lodge or what?

Great.

Check out the shotgun lamp.

Isn't that something, huh? You don't see that every day.

Hey.

Hello! Hello! Anybody home?

Looks the same, doesn't it?

Doesn't it? Smells the same too.

Yeah, it does. Hello!

I wonder if they have a lot of check-ins.

What's this? What's this over here?

"For prompt service, blow me".

It's an interesting touch. It's charming.

- Blow it. - Shall I?

Go ahead.

Yeah!

Whoo. Jeez!

Folks, don't mind Wormer. She hates people.

Wormer, shut the frig up. What can I do you for?

What happened to that... That dog's face?

Porcupine quills. Loves porcupines, hates people.

She's in heat too. Too bad you're not a dog.

What can I do you for?

Wally, your dog ever had a bath before?

There she is. That's a gorgeous cabin.

Okay, hold it, hold it! That's good enough. Hey!

Honey, that's bigger than our honeymoon cabin.

You city-dwelling fools are damn lucky to have this cabin.

It just became available yesterday.

We call it the Loon's Nest.

You know what a loon is, noodlehead?

- Yeah, we have one in our family. - Hey, hey, hey.

We had a fishing party in there up until yesterday.

They caught their limit, and then blew. It's all redecorated inside.

Every bit of it.

Me and Wally sunk over 300 bucks into it.

And that's not counting what we spent on Lysol.

- Is that right? - It's beautiful.

Now, you folks enjoy your stay.

Yeah, thanks.

Thank you very much. How could you not in a place like this?

You could get the shits from the well water.

- What did he say? - I missed it.

What a gas!

Chet's gonna shit a solid-gold brick! What a great surprise!

I'll go see where he's bivouacked the family.

This is very unfair, Roman.

What the hell are you talking about? We're a family, for crying out loud!

How many times have we invited Chet and Connie to the islands with us? A dozen?

This is a little different. We weren't invited.

They'll be tickled to death to see us.

Honey, I found out what was stinking up the shower.

A present from me to you.

How thoughtful. That's really nice.

Put it in there with all the others.

There's fish all over this house. Look, a pink one.

All right, let's leave this stuff right here, okay?

You put your bathing suit on, and we'll go down to the lake.

No, no, you go ahead. I really just can't seem to relax in filth.

Come on. We'll all pitch in later and clean this up, all right? Let's go.

You know, we can't even use the bathroom

until someone finds the toilet seat?

Buck already found the toilet seat. It was on the sun porch.

- Sun porch? - Yeah.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Come on, no further excuses, all right?

- What are you doing? - I don't know. I don't know.

- Stop it, Chet. - You know, the kids are at the lake.

- Come on, Chet, stop. What are you doing? - I'm not doing anything.

Honey, honey, honey, no!

Well, we got the house to ourselves. Hello.

Oh, no! What happened? I'm sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - I just don't feel like this.

Can you understand that? I'm tired, I'm stinky.

- Come on. - What are you doing? Come on.

Come on. We're at the house by ourselves.

- What about the kids? - I don't care!

What about the kids? They're down at the lake.

Don't do this here. Let's go to the bedroom.

Why? That's the great thing about being in the North Woods, Connie.

What are you feeding me now?

Come on!

You can run around here naked as a bear

and not worry about running into anybody.

- Is that right? - Yes.

Really?

You think it's possible that we could play fashion parade? Please.

- I don't wanna play fashion parade. - Why?

You get to wear the good outfits!

- Oh, no, I'll let you wear them. - You will?

Now, you will be Shelana!

Shelana, the oak tree woman.

I love it when I'm the oak tree woman!

Temptress of the woods.

- Yes! Yes! - Yes!

And I will be Burt.

- Burt. - A guy named Burt.

I love it when you're Burt. You're always...

Or I could be Smokey's cousin, Horny.

- He has endurance. - Yes, he does.

Anybody home?

Shelana the woods temptress?

With Horny the Bear, Smokey's cousin?

Okay, okay.

- Turn that off. Turn it off. - Oh yeah. No, no, Chester, you said it.

Do it on the floor.

Beautiful stuff. Hey, that's all right.

Game playing, role playing.

Helps in a marriage after a little while, you know?

Turn the damn thing off! Turn it off.

That was quite a surprise. I mean...

You got me.

And the whole week you'll be here!

Okay.

Just something.

So, anyway, you're an intelligent man.

Thank you.

- You make a good living. - Not bad.

- You got a good life. - Pretty good.

- Answer me one question. - Sure.

Why the hell would you want to come up to

a plant-infested no-man's-land like this and live like a barbarian for a week?

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

I have great memories of this country when I was a kid, you know,

and I used to come up here with my dad

and I want the boys to have the same memories.

Look around you, Roman!

For God sakes, this is beautiful country here!

Take a good look.

I'll tell you what I see when I look out there, if you wanna know.

Yeah, I'm curious.

I see the underdeveloped resources of Northern Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan.

I see a syndicated development consortium

exploiting over a billion and a half dollars in forest products.

I see a paper mill, and, if the strategic metals are there, a mining operation.

A green belt between the condos on the lake and a waste management facility

focusing on the newest rage in toxic waste, medical refuse,

infected bandages, body parts, IV tubing, contaminated glassware,

entrails, syringes, fluid, blood, low-grade radioactive wastes,

all safely contained, sunken in the lake and sealed for centuries.

Now, I ask you. What do you see?

I just see... I see trees.

Well, no one ever accused you of having a grand vision.

Nope.

Maybe it's all for the best.

While the ambitious scramble for wealth and power,

the Chet Ripley's of the world are just able to lay back

and casually stroll along life's path.

- I mean that as a compliment. - Thanks.

The rest of us are all probably gonna die

of heart attacks and strokes long before you.

I hope so. Wouldn't that be great?

Gee, just to see a bunch of people drop that you hate.

That would be something else, I'm telling you.

My goodness! My goodness me!

I'm gonna walk down life's path right now.

Get the barbecue going, get some hot dogs on there.

Wait a minute. No way. Wait a hot-shit minute.

Rule one, no relative of mine is gonna eat hot dogs

as long as he's sharing my cabin. Katie!

Do you sense the presence of an alien life form?

Now that you mention it, I do kind of sense something kind of strange.