Inside No. 9

This programme contains strong language and some violent scenes

Hello?

Hello?! Hello?!

Oh.

There's an ech0. HIGH HEELS TAP

I tve just arrived.

I've just arrived. Hold on.

How did my ech0 get here before me?

Arlo, turn around.

Oh, Collie! It's you!

I got them things you wanted for the sandwiches.

Do you mind if I make one now? I'm absolutely Hank Marvin.

No! You can wait until the 0thers get here.

What did you buy?

Pulled pork, pressed tongue, and a hot and spicy whip.

That sounds disgusting!

You said you wanted an S&M selection.

I said an M&S select...!

Never mind.

What are you doing? Wetre not in slow motion any more.

Oh. Sorry.

The boss is here. He wants help bringing the hardware in

from the car. Oh...

But I've just made mese* a tea! Arlokin0.

So, if you haventt already guessed,

itts a sort of cross between commedia delltarte

and a heist movie. I guess because they both use masks.

Which is quite clever, in a way,

but still sounds like something a drama teachertd have a wank to.

But, hey, itts series six,

youtve got to allow for a certain artistic exhaustion.

Columbina.

Oh, God, here comes the subplot.

Just stick with me on these bits and wetll get through them

as quickly as possible. Columbina, you've got to help me.

My daddy wants me to marry his friend, the Captain,

who I've never even met.

But I have my heart set on another.

It's s0 unfair! Surely, Miss, your father has 0ther things

on his mind today. Like, 12 million 0ther things.

Because the diamonds we're stealing are worth *'2 million?

Yes. Thatts...

Yes.

So, hets not going to have time

to be thinking about marriage prop0sals.

No, that's exact* why he is!

If everything goes according to plan,

then the Captain'll be rich beyond his wildest dreams.

Then my father will have n0 need to provide a dowry for me.

He can keep all his 0wn earnings to himse*.

Itts nearly finished. He's being driven by greed

and not by my 0wn wishes of who I want to marry.

But, Madam, what can I do?

I am just a lowly housemaid in this 0rganisation.

I've written a letter to my true beloved, explaining my plight.

Please see that he gets it before the end of the job today.

You want me to give this letter to the Doctorts...

Yes! Yes, please. And not a word to my father.

I guess wetre just pretending that WhatsApps and emails dontt exist.

Still, I tll give her letter to the Doctorts son, Mari0.

Hets thick as shit, but fit as fuck!

Columbina, stop Fleabaggin' and make me a cup of splosh.

Yes, Master. Right away.

And I wasntt Fleabagging, I was Miranda - ing.

AS Ml RANDA HART: Such fun. Ooh!

Careful with that, you clumsy cumwad!

There's enough TNT in 'ere to blow both your tiny

fucking brain cells out.

Now, did you bring the Glock like I asked ya?

No.

But I did wind my watch up this morning, even though it's digital.

No, your Glock, your pistol!

Oh! You mean this?

Don't point it at me.

It's all right, safety's on.

GUN Fl RES, HE STARTS

My bad.

HE SNl FFS

My nose tel* me this is the place.

Allow me to introduce myse*.

I am Il Capitan0.

I'm sorry that you're il* but my name's not Capitan0, it's Hortensia.

Ah, yes.

The Hor-tensia, daughter of my esteemed friend Senor Pantalone.

But I'm sure you've heard of me by reputation.

I am Scaramouche.

Scaramouche? Will you do the... BLEEP

What happened there? We couldntt afford the copyright.

Oh. That's a shame.

You're the man that my father wants me to marry?!

Un-a-til a- now I had been a-deaf to your beauty

and blind to-a your voice, dumb to your scent

and mute to-a your caress.

I hope to wrong that a- right over the course of this segment.

So, what's your role in this job, Captain? Surveillance? Security?

I am international authority on booming.

B00ming? Si, si.

Because of my b00ming skil*, I can a-smash my way in anywhere.

Will you excuse me? I just need the bathr00m.

SHE VOMITS

Ah, she is sick with love.

Hortensia, Hortensia, don't a-leave me on the fence- ia!

My feelings don't a- make sense- ia.

I hope it's not dementia.

Oi, Scaramouche. Ah, Senor Pantalone.

Some gelignite here for you to take a l00k at.

I have already eaten, but I thank you.

No, it's fucking dynamite!

Maybe a small bow* then.

Right, the Doctorts going to be here any minute. How do you know?

Because I accidentally turned over tw0 pages of the script at 0nce.

Look, if you do me a favour, I tll let you have a sandwich.

What flavour? What flavour favour?

What flavour sandwich? Whatever you want.

Oh... I 'd like a lovely slice of ham.

Lean?

I 'd like a lovely slice of ham.

I bet youtre loving this on the C00ktd and Bombtd forum, arentt you?

Look, just give this love letter to the Doctorts son, Mari0.

Hetll know who itts from. Understand?

The scholar says, " Plethora," and the widow says,

"Thanks, that means a lot."

And now hets just turned over tw0 pages at 0nce.

It would appear this is the place, Mario.

Somewhat insalubrious, yet suitab* clandestine.

The very sine qua non of a gangster's hideaway, n'est-ce pas?

Itts a shithole.

I ndeed.

And, yet, its crepuscular corners will allow us

to dupe the 0ld man and his cronies with our pseudo sparklers.

You have them stil*

Oh, you mean the fake diamonds? Yes, yes! Lower your voice!

You mean the fake diamonds? Mario!

Yes, I tve shoved them down the front of my trousers. Good.

It's important to have a little circumspection.

I think I might if I bend over t00 quickly.

When the time is right, we will switch the bona fide jewe*

with the paste 0nes and n0-one will be any the wiser. Capiche?

Whatever you say, pops. As long as n0-one gets hurt.

You know you cantt stand the sight of bl00d. Ah, yes. Well ceded.

Arlokin0! You made me a ham sandwich. How kind.

Ah...

Mm! Do we have a quorum?

I speak a little Latin, you know.

Oh, that reminds me - a scholar goes to a funeral

and asks the widow... No, no, no, no.

You've done this bit already. Excuse me.

Oh...

I have something for you, t00, Master Mari0.

It's from the subplot, s0 it might not be that important.

Oh, cool.

It's an epistle from a secret admirer.

Apparently you'll know who it's from.

I think I do.

Thanks, Arlo.

All right. Gentlemen, ladies, gather round.

Grab yourselves a seat. We need to get on with the briefing.

HE CHUCKLES

LOUD CRASH, GLASS SMASHES

LEATHER CREAKS

Please.

Continue.

Right. Now, you all know your roles, but, for the benefit of them

who are watching on BBC Tw0, I'm going to go through it again.

And I player. What?

Some people could be watching on I Player.

All right. For them what are watching on any BBC platform...

Or in 0ther countries, doesn't have to be BBC.

They have it in Spain, don't they? Oh, yeah. Spain, Australia.

It's very big in China, apparent*. All right, for fuck's sake!

Wherever people are watching it, we need to do a recap!

Now, the van with the diamonds leaves Hatton Garden roundabout

at 3pm precisely...

...and heads down Greville Street towards Farringdon.

Mari0, Scaramouche, you pull the barrier across

just west of Saffron Hill.

Er, you're aware of the CCTV...

Si, si. TV.

Now, you understand where it extends to.

It extends int0 the kitchen, but the reception is not-a s0 g00d.

Oh Jesus! Mari0, you know about the CCTV, don't ya?

Sure. Go0d.

Itts like CBeebies, but slightly more complicated programmes.

What? I'm not sure the Chinese are going to get that reference.

You need to say something like...

THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Itts pretty universal... Shut the fuck up the lot of ya!

I will not stand here and be made to l00k like a prick!

ARLO LAUGHS

You think I'm joking?

Boss!

Can I suggest we do a montage?

Yes.

Yes. Thank you, Columbina.

Finally, someone talking sense.

You can do the voiceover.

At 3:02, the van, driven by a single security guard,

parks up outside Mugshots Coffee shop.

The guard gets out as usual to 0rder a flat white.

COFFEE MACHl NE HISSES