The Inhabitants

- Honey, you gonna be in there all night? - I'll be right out.

- I can't believe there's no television. - Oh, don't be such a grump.

I think it's quaint.

Hey, aren't we on the top floor?

- Yeah, I think. - That's what I thought.

It's just that when I was in the bathroom, I heard this, like, weird creaking noise.

It's an old house.

You're right.

- So, you want to go antiquing tomorrow? - No, I want to go to the witch museum.

The witch museum? Everyone goes to the witch museum.

I know, but when in Rome...

All right, witch museum it is.

- Thank you. - Anything for my baby.

But now we have to go to sleep, 'cause we have to get up early.

Okay.

- Good night. - Good night.

Dan, I see you found the place.

Yes, and I did not get lost this time.

Gretchen, this is my wife, Jessica. Jessica, this is Gretchen.

- Nice to finally meet you. - Hi.

This is my aunt Rose. She's the current owner.

Rose, this is Dan and Jessica Coffey. They're here to see the house.

Hi. Your house is lovely.

You'll have to excuse my aunt. This is very hard for her...

handing over the business to strangers. I'm sure you understand.

Of course.

The house is over 350 years old.

It's one of the oldest in all of New England...

dating back to the early colonists.

It needs some updating, but that's part of the charm.

- Great view. - Absolutely.

- It's nice, right? - Yeah.

We have a main residence and then three guest rooms...

- all upstairs. - How long has it been a bed-and-breakfast?

40 years. My aunt and uncle converted it when they first bought it.

If you don't mind me asking, why are you guys selling the place?

He died about a year ago, a heart attack. It was very sudden.

She tried to keep the place going on her own, but it was just too much for her.

Did they not have a handyman or any other staff?

No, it was just the two of them. My uncle was the fix-it type.

Liked to do things himself.

So, what's gonna happen to her?

Assisted living. We found a lovely place just a few miles from here.

I have to warn you, the upstairs is a bit of a mess.

So what about all this furniture here? What do you guys plan on doing with it?

It's included. It'd be too much trouble to move it.

And besides, it belongs to the house.

So, what do you think?

Can we afford this?

Yes. We'll be... we'll be fine.

- Are you... - I promise.

- Okay. Let's do it. - Really?

- Yeah, if you think we can do this. - I know we can.

Okay.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

This is gonna be great.

Okay. Well, I'll go back to the office and draw up the paperwork.

- Pleasure doing business with you. - Absolutely. Thank you very much.

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

I know running a B & B is crazy,

but it's been your dream since as long as I've known you.

I know. I just...

Well, I guess it's our dream now.

I am completely okay with that.

- Okay. - Next time we drive up here,

it's gonna be our home.

Honey, where does this one go?

- The kitchen. - Kitchen. Okay.

Wylie, come on, boy.

Excellent.

Honey, I got the phone working.

You want a gold star or something?

Yes, actually, I would love a gold star. Thank you.

All right, well, why don't you order us some food on that thing? I'm starving.

- How is it? - Okay.

Yeah?

Did we unpack the glasses?

- Not yet. - Okay.

This is gonna have to do.

Madame.

Okay.

A toast...

to our new home and business.

Look at us. So classy.

Okay, well, mine's... do you want to know my lucky numbers?

Yes. No. I want to read you my thing.

- What are yours? - "Keep in mind your most cherished dreams

in the future."

- Oh, that's what we're doing. - Yes. And "to catch a cold" is...

Exactly.

Hey, honey?

What time do you want to wake up tomorrow morning?

Early. Like, 6:00 a.m.

Okay.

Excellent.

We'll have breakfast in bed. What do you want, pancakes or waffles?

Pancakes.

- I'm so tired. - Yeah? Long day?

Yeah.

- What? - What?

I'm just checking out my gorgeous wife's incredibly cute ass.

- Can we do this tomorrow? - Tomorrow?

- Don't you know the rules? - What?

You have to christen your new house in your new bed,

or it's incredibly bad luck.

- Rain check? - "Rain check"?

Yeah, I'm tired.

Did you pull that card on me?

Okay, but remind me to oil the new bed...

for the rain check.

- Sweaty dreams, baby. - "Sw... sweaty dreams"?

- Yes. - You are cruel.

- You love me. - Yes, I do.

- Hi. - Hi.

I forgot where I was this morning.

Don't worry about it. It'll take some getting used to.

So what's first on the agenda?

- Got anything? - No.

All right.

How about that one?

No.

All right, then.

- What about that one? - Oh, yep. That's the kitchen.

That... is the kitchen. All right.

This one is a bit of a mystery.

Okay, so I'm all done.

Cool. Can you help me with some of these boxes?

- Maybe. - Come on.

Dan?

Are you down here?

Babe?

Oh, hey.

What is all this?

I don't know.

Some kind of storeroom, I guess.

- Oh, weird. Look at this chair. - I know.

At least, I think it's a chair. What is that?

I don't know, but I wouldn't go touching it if I were you. That's pretty nasty.

Why does it have straps on it?

I don't know. You tell me.

- I don't know why there's a strap on it. - I don't know.

You're the smart one.

So much for that rain check.

Good night, hot stuff.

I have to feed them.

I'm waiting for you.

Dan! Dan. Dan.

Dan, wake up!

Oh, dear. I woke you.

No, I don't know how she got in.

That's the point. We woke up, and she was in our bedroom.

- Yeah, okay. No, no, no, no, no. - The children.

- What? - I'll call them.

The children. Take care of the children.

My Norman.

My sweet, sweet Norman.

This way, Mrs. Stanton.

Such a nice girl.

- Too bad. - I'm very sorry about this.

Apparently, she just walked out.

- So she made it all the way here. - Well, this is what she knows.

This place, it's what she remembers. She must've walked through the woods.

Without any shoes? How far is that?

They always kept a spare hidden outside. That's how she got in.

You might want to change the locks, all the same.

Gretchen said she didn't even have any kids.

That just doesn't make any sense. Then what was she talking about?

Babe, she's confused. She's old.

I don't know. I feel like we're somehow taking advantage of her or something.

Are you kidding me? You saw her. She didn't even know where she was.

If it wasn't us that came and snatched up this place, it would've been somebody else.

At least we're good people.

- Give me one sec. - Okay.

Hello?

So that was Roger.

He wants me to fly out to Chicago.

But I thought I had you for the next week.

I'm sorry. Apparently there's some client I'm supposed to meet. It's really important.

Okay.

Sorry.

Hey, babe, I'm heading into town for some supplies. You need anything?

Nope. I'm good.

Okay. I guess I'll see you in a bit.

All right.

Where did you get that weirdo book?

It's not a weirdo book.

I got it at the library. You know...

that big building in town with all the books in it.

Right, right, right. That place with the words on paper.

Yeah.

Anyway, so why are you reading it?

I don't know. Thought I'd try to brush up on the region's history.

You know, just in case... our guests ask.

That's very smart.

Oh, babe, look, it's our house.

It says here that the man who built it in 1665,

Arthur March, was a carriage maker.

Hence the name.

That's clever.

- You are such a dork! - I know.