Lisa Ann Walter: It Was an Accident

You know, I think that there's a lot of people still

that don't know that I did this, that this was my job.

It's the reason why I got the-- the brass ring invite

to come and star on my own TV shows in LA.

I love the medium.

I love the communication with the audience.

And-- And having that experience be a singular event

that happens right there and everybody knows it.

And it just-- It's important to make people laugh.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

- I love you! -Uh-- I love you!

I am so happy to see all of you here tonight!

That's my girl.

Hello, Philadelphia!

And now, I take great pride in welcoming you

to It Was an Accident

with this comedy queen...

Lisa Ann Walter!

Yeah, girl! Yeah!

What's up, Philadelphia?!

Oh, my God.

Okay, everybody, can we just-- Sheryl Lee Ralph!

That-- Honest to God, that is the best hype woman in the world.

I'm so happy to be here!

Honest to God-- First of all, thank you guys all so much for coming out.

When I come here, I feel like I'm home.

- Yes! -You guys, you hug me, you kiss me,

you give me food.

That's how it is here. Boy, Philly goes hard on the food.

Y'all are good.

Philly might be the hardest food city I've ever worked in.

Like, Philly goes so hard on the food, it made Ozempic fat.

These are my notes.

Don't anybody get scared.

I just have these 'cause I'm old and I can't remember shit.

Anybody else? Who else is old in this room?

- -You're like-- No, you're not.

What are you calling yourself old for, my paisan?

-How old are you? -Thirty-eight.

Thirty-eight's not old!

They all hate you now.

I'm like, maybe representing the front row, you're older.

Oh, there she is. There's my sister. Alright! Ah!

-What's your name? -Bonnie.

Bonnie. See, Bonnie's a, a, a name from our generation.

There's not a Mackenzie.

-Hey, Bonnie, how you doing? -I'm well.

And you came out in the evening. Good for you.

We don't like to go ou-- We don't like to go out.

Can't see at night. Shit!

And did you see how she high-fived me?

- I got my daughter . -That's your daughter? Okay, good.

Good to know. And what's your name? Mackenzie?

-Bridget. - Bridget.

How old are you?

- Twenty-four. -Twenty-four.

-Got-- Got bras older than you. -

So, did you see how she gave me the high five

like a normal human?

Did you see that?

See, that's how we do from the old times.

Nobody-- None of this shit.

'Cause half the time when I go up and I try to say hello

when people are doing this--

I'm-- It's like I wind up playing an old white lady game

of rock, paper, scissors.

I don't know, are we dapping?

I don't know what we're doing here.

Just kick the foot.

Fuckin' weird.

I know I'm old too, Bonnie.

You know how I know? I get injured three ways.

I think I turned too fast.

I don't know, I guess I slept wrong.

And I must've been standing funny.

It went out!

Where are my Italians? Where are you?

Love it.

And you raised your hand first, so I'm going to you--

Where are you? There you are. What's your name?

Greg Lyons.

Oh! You stood up.

Like, are we at the Kiwanis? What?

So, are you Sicilian or regular?

Valid question.

That's a pizza joke.

-You r-- Leone, what is that? - Thin crust.

-It's what? - Thin crust.

Same crust. That's a little too personal, sir.

That was so stupid.

Alright, this is for all my paisan.

This'll make you feel at home. Okay, you ready?

[vocalizes to the tune of "The Chicken Dance"]

Oh, I found ya!

You're either-- They're either wops or they've been to a Polish wedding.

One or the other, right?

All my-- All my, uh, Italian friends, they'll recognize this little dilemma.

So I went to-- Sheryl's son was getting married

and there was a register.

And I had a bunch of weddings this summer,

and every single one, there was a register.

And the first one that I saw, it came up,

and they want pots and pans and this and that.

And I'm like, "What the fuck is that?"

And they're like, "That's what you go to to figure out what gift to give 'em."

I'm like, "Envelope of cash."

Am I wrong? It always fits.

And then you put it in a-- in a bride's bag,

a satin bride's bag, and Grandma sits on it.

So, the cash smells like Grandma's ass, but you-- but you buy a house, so...

Alright, where's my, uh, LGBTQ?

-Where are you? -

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks for coming out.

And also, coming to the show. Hey!

Shut up!

Alright, where's my teachers? Any teachers?

- -Hey! Double duty!

Teachers? Hey, there you are. How you doing? Good for you.

I don't have a joke for you.

That's what your salaries are for.

Oh, my G-- Get it together, America!

So fucking stupid what's happening.

Things are getting really wacky, aren't they, in the country?

Wasn't it like we were all going along

like, "Oh, there's some problems, but we can work 'em out",

and all of a sudden, "Fuck!"

All I'm saying is if I had known we were headed toward The Handmaid's Tale

and I was gonna be wearing that big red cape,

I wouldn't have cut out carbs.

Let my fat ass fly free.

One of the reasons why I came here, by the way,

is that there's some places in the country I'm afraid to go to.

So, Philly is not one of 'em.

-I come here and I'm like-- -

This is what I get. This is what I get.

I look at a map of America, there's whole sections I just go, "Nope."

Swipe left. All of that.

But I'm thrilled to be here, honestly, because I have twin teenage boys at home,

so I'm just happy to be in front of people who like me.

Thank you. Thank you.

They're-- They're so mean.

Does anybody have teenagers?

-Anybody? -

You got the kids, do you? What's your name, lady?

- Julie -Julie. How old are your kids?

Twenty and sixteen.

Twenty and sixteen. Boy, girl, what?

- Uh, one of each. -One of each! That's good. That's a set.

-They still live at home? - Yes.

Mm-hmm.

- - .

They're here?

No, that's why we're here!

Oh, okay, good. Well, you know, even if they move out, they come back.

So just be prepared, you know what I mean?

They go for a little bit, they go to college,

and then they-- they come right back so they can judge you.

Yell at you for shit.

Bridget.

Give your mom a hard time-- My kids do anyway, they're--

First of all, the-- the-- the twins are just two of the four.

-I got four altogether. Four. -

Thank you. Thank you for clapping for my extremely efficient uterus.

-Thank you. -

Gotten pregnant on every form of birth control there is.

I'm not even kidding.

My Italian genes were like, "You're making babies, bitch!

Look at your hips."

And I did. Four. I got four.

Four kids altogether 'cause my vagina's a clown car.

Thank you, four.

I live in a shoe.

I have four kids, uh, two ex-husbands.

Two kids with each, Julie.

'Cause it's like-- You know, you don't want anybody to get jealous.

The first ex-husband, lovely Jewish guy, turned out we had too much in common,

he also liked men.

- Oh. -

It happens!

Second one, uh, a cheater, which is not technically a religion,

but he practiced it like it was.

- -

This motherfucker was Orthodox.

So, that didn't last.

But, uh, yeah, so the four kids, it's the teens that are still--

The young-- They're young men now. I don't wanna call 'em teens.