House of Guinness

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Why are we stopping?

Who are those men?

Begging pardon, madam guinness. We're about to pass through cloonboo.

What… what is cloonboo?

The tribe that lives in cloonboo is all rib and anger, if you'll forgive me.

The ones that didn't starve or go to Boston

are fairly mad to be stuck here and be hungry.

These men are escorts. They'll see us through cloonboo.

They speak no English, only Irish. So won't trouble you for conversation.

Word gets out there's a guinness lady from Dublin,

some people in cloonboo might want a conversation with you about justice.

Who are you, me pretty fair maid?

And who are you, me honey?

Well, who are you me pretty fair maid?

And who are you, me honey?

She answered me class of modestly

"I am me mother's darling"

with me too-ry-ay, fol-de-diddle-day

di-re fol-de-diddle dai-rie

and will you come to me mammy's house

when the moon is shining clearly?

And will ye come…

At my castle, in macroom, there are old prison cells,

and the corridors in our dungeons are wider than this.

If I'd known I was coming to visit a crofter's cottage,

I would have dressed accordingly.

This is the old part of the house, madam.

In the new part, you could parade an elephant.

Have you ever seen an elephant?

No, madam.

They are extremely intelligent animals,

and they probably wouldn't accept an invitation to tea

from a family that brews beer.

But… I'm here now.

How do I look?

Very good.

The brewers' butlers at least know the rules.

Di-re fol-de-diddle dai-rie … this way, madam.

There we lay till the break of the day and divil the one did hear us

then I arose and put on me clothes saying, "darling, I must leave ya"

with me too-ry-ay, fol-de-diddle-day

di-re fol-de-diddle dai-rie

lady Olivia Charlotte hedges-white,

daughter of the third Earl of bantry.

Before we begin, you should know I value honesty above all else.

What lies ahead may be awkward and embarrassing.

Let's dispense with the pretense of tea and at least open a bottle of madeira.

Since the house of guinness is famously leaky when it comes to secrets,

perhaps once the bottle is open, we can be left to serve ourselves.

Stop!

Stop.

Stop… stop, stop!

- Fetch a doctor, please. - No doctors in cloonboo.

Then at least fetch a fucking woman.

Get out, all of you.

Shh!

I thought you guinnesses'd bleed black.

You've lost your baby.

But it's gonna be all right.

What baby?

Arthur.

This… the…

This madeira was a gift.

We have wonderful relations with all the English vintners in Portugal.

In the summer, we go and stay in their castles.

The wind blows off the Atlantic, and, well,

it smells like freedom.

I didn't know that freedom smelled of anything.

Do you know Portugal, lady Olivia?

As I'm sure you can imagine, the European grand tour is

beyond the means of the earls of bantry these days.

Well then, Portugal would come as a pleasant surprise.

Perhaps a place for a honeymoon should you decide to…

To agree to our…

To agree to your what?

What are we calling it?

A proposal?

- It is a proposal. - Does she always speak for you?

In matters of the heart.

The heart. My.

- Do you shoot? - And ride.

In London, they would laugh at your bantry brogue.

In London, I would adapt to the ways of the dreadful Saxon savages.

In the letter, I think it was made clear what kind of marriage we are offering.

UN mariage blanc.

What is your understanding of that expression?

It means if you were to choose me, we would marry,

and I would take your name.

But I will not be obliged to take your cock.

Arthur, perhaps we could speak for a moment in private.

Exactly that, Olivia.

A mariage blanc is a marriage in form, but not in function.

Without being indelicate,

you will still be at Liberty to function in other places.

- We are rather getting ahead of ourselves. - Yes.

I will,

from time to time, "function"

in other places…

And in my own way.

But then what about me?

A time may come when I will want that kind of affection.

These things are normally understood,

but not said out loud.

I think Arthur and I are both out-loud people.

If a time comes when you… quietly,

discreetly,

decide you wish to function in...

with someone who we mutually agree is... no, no, no.

You will not have absolute veto.

You trust my judgment.

Arthur, we must adjourn this meeting immediately before...

before we all start telling the truth out loud.

Well, here it is.

If an occasion arises when a smile reaches me,

I want assurances that I will be at Liberty to…

To fuck and forget whomsoever I choose, so long as the servants don't find out.

Arthur, I'd remind you there are other names on the list.

- Burn the list. - Arthur…

In four months' time, I will be standing for election

as a conservative member of parliament.

At heart I am a liberal, but I'm sure love will prevail.

For conservative party functions, rotary balls, hunt balls,

shoot suppers, you will be by my side.

And once you are elected?

There will be grand tours.

London, Europe, perhaps New York.

And for all of them, you will be arm in arm with me as my dutiful wife.

I will pay your father's debts.

And you will get an annual income of £10,000.

- Fifteen. - Twelve.

- Fifteen it is. - Arthur.

In that case,

proposal accepted.

Well, I had set aside an hour and a half for this.

Followed by croquet.

There will be no croquet.

Thank god there'll be no croquet.

Mr. Guinness, sir... no. Not now. Not now.

Yes, sir.

Have an appointment?

Byron hedges.

Too impetuous for appointments.

I'm here about the vacant position of international vanguard.

Then you appear to be applying for a job which doesn't exist.

Sir…

But I believe it does exist.

But for the moment, this vacancy only exists inside your head.

At least to begin with, it concerns

america.

Let me explain.

I have a friend who is a maid.

- What has that to do with america? - She cleans your house, Mr. Guinness.

And… sometimes she tidies up papers that you've left open on your desk.

Who the fuck are you?

Well, my first name is Byron, after the poet.

Me second name is hedges, after me father.

But my mother's name…

Was guinness.

My mother was Patricia white guinness.

From the banking side of the family.

Patricia white guinness had an affair. With a… fenian.

The horror of it.

And a bastard was born.

You.

See, I have the guinness certainty from me mother

and the rebel instinct from me father.

And where is america

in this wonderful tale of a bastard's progress?

It is my predestined destination, cousin Edward.

Cousin?

You see, according to certain papers that my friend found on your desk,

you have decided to plant the black flag of guinness…

In American soil.

You want to colonize the coasts,

flood the deserts, submerge the rockies in Porter.

Not exactly how I expressed it in my scribbles.

But in the scribbles, there is passion.

A passion for expansion.

I've heard rumors, cousin Edward,

that, since you and your brother have taken on this mighty leviathan,

you've decided to do things differently.

And… since I am of like mind

and, like you, an impetuous member

of the same generation of the same family,

I've already secured a passport for travel…

…and a berth on a ship called the Magellan,

sailing from liver pool to New York one week from now.

I will be accommodated in New York by my cousin in the bowery district.

… like my father, he is also a fenian and a member of the fenian brotherhood.

With whom… our relations are very, very poor.

But you have intentions to change that.

More intelligence from your maid?

No.

Intelligence from my own intelligence.

You know as well as I do

that for the brewery to be accepted in New York and Boston,

for your beer to even make it through the docks,

you will need the help and approval of the fenian brotherhood.

Now… bastard that I am,