Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers,

the needy from the greedy,

and those who trust me from the ones who don't.

Because if you can't see value here today,

you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting.

You see these goods?

Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite

or Fanny by the gaslight.

Take a bag. Come on, take a bag.

I took a bag home last night,

and it cost me a lot more than £10, I can tell you.

Anyone like jewelry?

Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney.

It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else.

Don't think 'cause these boxes are sealed up they're empty.

The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker.

And by the look of some of you lot here today,

I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price.

£10. Did you say £10?

Are you deaf?

That's a bargain. I'll take one.

Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow.

They call it walking. You want one as well, darling?

You do. That's it, they're waking up.

Treat the wife, treat somebody else's wife.

It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught.

Hold on, you want one as well?

Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then.

It's no good standing out there like 1:00 half struck.

Buy them, you better buy them!

These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for.

And we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks.

Here, one for you. It's no good coming back later

when I've sold out.

"Too late, too late!" will be the cry

when the man with the bargains has passed you by.

And if you've got no money on you now,

you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.

Bacon, cozzers.

Shit.

Ed can hustle a few quid here and there,

but his real talent lies in cards and gambling with cards.

Bacon could see that his days of selling

moody goods on street corners are numbered.

It's time to move on and he knows it.

And I'm 6'1", that's perfect for my height, all right?

All right, you take a photo. You're catching up with me, you are.

Look, what are you talking about? I'm bloody skinny, pal.

Yeah, yeah, of course you are. All right?

Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.

Tom, what have you been eating?

I've been telling him this... Enough already.

You two, join me in my office.

So, how much is it then, Tom?

You know how much it is, Nick.

And that includes the amp, yeah?

No, that does not include the amp.

Shit, Tom, I thought it included the amp.

Well, it doesn't.

I'll throw in one of these telephones if you like,

but it does not include the amp.

Very nice.

I hope it includes the speakers.

It doesn't include the speakers,

it doesn't include the amp,

and it's not supposed to include me

getting the hump with your stupid questions.

Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.

What else do I get with it?

You get a gold-plated Rolls-Royce,

as long as you pay for it.

Don't know, Tom. Seems expensive.

Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time.

That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in,

and you're complaining about 200?

What school of finance did you study?

It's a deal, it's a steal. It's the sale of the fucking century.

In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.

All right, all right, keep your Alans on.

Here's a ton.

Jesus Christ. You could choke a dozen donkeys on that.

And you're haggling over £100?

What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick?

Finance revolutions?

£100 is still £100.

Not when the price is £200, it's not.

And certainly not when you got Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.

Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now come on,

let me feel the fiber of your fabric.

The skinny one is Tom,

and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.

He's got a couple of dirty little fingers in a couple of dirty little pies.

Nick, here, however, has made it his business

to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes

in every dirty bent and stolen pie in London.

Between the two of them, there ain't much you can't get ahold of.

That's my 25 grand, it's all there.

It took me a long time to earn that, so you treat it with respect.

What about the chef?

What have you come as?

Cupid, stupid.

That's the last time I'm getting any more fruit off of you, Tom.

Do you call that fresh?

There was more small, hairy armored things

in your fruit than there was fruit.

You should open a butcher's, not a grocer's.

Well, if you will order stuff from Katmandu,

don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists en route.

Anyway, enough about that.

Where's the money?

Oi!

Keep your fingers out of my soup.

Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean

of any unlawful behavior.

He's proud of his job and even more proud that it's legal.

He represents the more sensible side of the four.

You sure you can afford 25?

That depends on how you look at it.

I can afford it as long as I see it again, if that's what you mean.

Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?

Fat man, Bacon and myself.

Looks like it's time to make that call to Harry.

Who's this fat man then, eh?

Eh?

Do you want a sandwich, Bacon?

It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.

The amount of money involved has to be 100 grand upwards,

and there's no shortage of punters.

The man who decides whether you can play or not is this man, Harry.

Or as some, including himself, like to call him, Hatchet Harry.

You got it all?

100 grand.

Well, if you got it, you got it.

Now, if you don't mind...

What's this Eddie like, then?

He's a fucking thief.

Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man, Barry the Baptist.

The Baptist got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.

Are you gonna fucking pay? Yeah, I'll pay!

How are you gonna fucking pay? I'm gonna pay it.

Barry makes sure the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.

The boy's got a rare ability.

He seems to make cards transparent.

He's got...

All right, all right, so we can say he's good.

Oh, no, he's better than good.

He's a fucking liability.

Here, hold on. What do you think of these?

We're selling hundreds.

Very nice, Harry.

What's it for?

Oh, don't play innocent with me, Bazza. Spanking.

There's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself.

That's 100 grand to the pound.

So why the fuck are you counting it?

Because I like to.

So, a reasonable return should be in the region of 120 grand.

That's for 25 grand invested, going on previous experience.

Going on optimism.

Whatever it's going on, it should be enough to send you on a cooking course.

You're not funny, Tom. You're fat.

And look as though you should be, but you're not.

Fat? Who are you calling... Jesus!

It's good in here, isn't it?

Handy for the tube, great electrics.

I can see why you moved in.

Don't knock it, it's cheap like the budgie.

And nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.

A bit anti-social to say the least.

What do you mean?

He means they're thieving bastards.

I mean, when they're not picking peanuts out of poop,

they rip off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

Nice work, John. Get yourself a drink.

Is that it?

How many times do I have to tell you, Plank?

You find us a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.

Now, have you got a problem with that?

You know, Charles, this gear is getting heavier.

I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket scientists

or Nobel Peace Prize winners

or something.

Peace Prize?

Be lucky to find your penis for a piss the amount you keep smoking.

Who the hell's that?

All right, Willie?

Does it look like I'm all right?

Take this.

I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second.

Charles, why have we got that cage?

Security?

That's right.

That's right, security.

So what's the point in having it if we're not gonna fucking use it?

Well, I would have used it, Winston, but this is Willie.

And Willie lives here.

Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willie

until you opened the door, did you?

Chill, Winston.