Herostratus

Heavy, hmm?

Can you?

Hey, people!

Sheep. Sheep!

Hey, Sandy! Sandy!

- Sandy? - Yeah?

Hi.

- How's things? - All right. Okay.

Haven't seen you around here for quite a while.

I've been upstairs in my room.

You should've dropped in, Sandy.

You can come down. We're neighbours, you know.

I wanted to be on my own.

So do l. I like being on my own, too.

- Where are you going? - Down to the station.

See if I can get a man to pay for my rent, buy me a beer.

Um... What do you want?

Oh, just dazzled by my beautiful life, that's all.

Crummy house! I'm sick of this place.

Look, I've got to go now.

Hey, Sandy, you don't... Don't be in such a hurry.

I haven't seen you around. I mean, it's always nice to see you again.

I mean, we're both on a scrap heap, aren't we? I mean, let's be honest.

The old scrap heap of humanity. That's you and me.

I mean, I'm the only one who's fit company for you.

I mean, why don't you step into my apartment and let's talk it over?

Look, I'll give you the benefit. I'm the bargain of the week, Max, me.

Free, cut-price offer hamper.

Oh, what lovely eyes you've got, Sandy, and such perfect skin.

Oh, for God's sake. Cut it out, Max, will you? Cut it out!

- What do you want? - Sandy, what's the matter? Come in.

Kick your shoes off and relax.

Look. For one minute, you stopped me.

You wanted something, now ask me what you want. Come on.

- Genuinely ask me what you want. - Thank God for the neighbours.

Or maybe I'll give it to you. Come on, risk it.

- What's all the fuss about, Sandy? - You risk that big, fat ego of yours,

and ask me genuinely for what you want...

- Oh, you'll fuck anything. - Instead of playing around like a little boy.

Look, you have guys come in here every so often.

- You take them upstairs and they pay. - Come on, Max, ask me for what you want.

What's the matter? You want money, is that it?

You know what I want and you know what I mean.

You want paying?

Come on, risk it, that great, big ego of yours.

All that could happen is that you get it a little crushed.

Or then I might leave it whole. I might say yes.

You'll never know until you take that risk, Max...

- All right, Sandy, you're right. - for once in your life.

You're trying to compete with me?

Try.

Please, go on.

Look, Sandy, I need some money. I'm broke.

Okay.

I'll give you some when I get it.

Today?

Depends on how lucky I am.

Will you turn that flaming row off?

I said, will you turn that flaming row off?

What are you doing in there?

There are people in the building besides you, you know.

A request number, no doubt.

Turn that bloody thing down!

Turn that bloody noise off!

Oh, hell's bells! You can't hear yourself think round here!

I'm fed up with you!

Now look, you come down here and pay your rent right now!

Nymphomaniac!

Look, if you don't shut that thing off, I'll go and get the copper now!

Come on!

Turn that flaming thing down or I'll go mad!

All right, Mrs Simms. I'll be out in a minute!

You hear that, Simms? Hear that, do we?

Don't you touch me! Don't you touch me!

You ought to be put away! You never ought to be allowed out!

You won't be coming back in this house again, don't you ever think you are!

Get out of here! I don't wanna see you...

Oh, yeah.

Matches?

Miss Bentwood, his personal secretary. She's on the right, right here.

Have you had a personal tragedy?

- On the right over there. - Who?

On the right over there.

I'm very sorry. I hope it wasn't someone too close to you.

Yeah.

Mmm-mmm.

Something's wrong here.

I would like to see Mr Farson.

Yes. Do you have an appointment with Mr Farson?

Since I clapped eyes on you from that doorway over there, I said,

"That girl is the sort of girl who makes appointments.

"She spends her life making appointments."

How would you like to do something different and not make an appointment,

and let me get up to see Mr King Kong?

No, I'm sorry, I've told you.

You can't see him if you don't have an appointment with him.

JC is here. Please don't get up. You can crucify me later.

Look, please don't be put off by my clothes. I know you think I'm poor.

You probably think I got these clothes on hire purchase, don't you?

Look, let's get this straight, shall we? I'm here on business. Serious business.

Look, I haven't just escaped from somewhere.

Look, I've got to see Farson.

Now, I've got a really sharp, fantastic deal for Farson.

This is going to knock the business sideways.

The whole advertising industry is just gonna go over that way

when Farson comes up with the proposition that I'm gonna put before him in a minute

when I see him upstairs or wherever he happens to be hiding.

You know... You following me?

The only reason I'm here is to make appointments.

If you haven't got one, then I'm afraid I can't help you.

Now look, listen to me. Will you just calm down and stop being hysterical?

Look, Farson is upstairs, isn't he? I'm sure.

And I'm going to see him because I have a fantastic thing for Farson, the most...

Look, you can't just expect to see Mr Farson like that.

- Why don't you write him a letter? - Look, I've had an accident. lmpossible.

I can't get the top off the inkwell. You do understand, don't you?

Could you exercise a little tolerance and liberalism,

and get that high priest on the phone?

Because, really, I have got to talk to Farson and he has got to talk to me.

Now look,

Mr Farson is the head of one of the largest advertising companies in this country.

There are people who write up and make appointments months in advance

and they still haven't seen him yet, you see.

You just can't walk into an office like this. He's a very, very busy man.

So why don't you just go home, write him a letter,

-and see what happens, huh? - Yeah. Hmm.

Is that irritating you?

What do you do around here, exactly? I mean, you must be pretty busy.

All those rulers and typewriters and things I can see on your desk,

and that pile of notebooks and pencils and...

I've got you at last... I've tumbled you. Yeah, I know what you are.

Why didn't I see it before? You're a deb, aren't you?

Go on, tell me. You're a deb, I know it.

I'll bet you've been Deb of the Year sometime, haven't you?

Bet you cut a pretty fancy foxtrot.

I'm sure you've got a lot of work to do and I wouldn't wanna detain you at all.

So why don't you put a call through to old guard upstairs, huh?

And tell him Mr Genius is waiting to call on him.

I'm afraid you're going to have to do a lot better than that, sonny boy,

if you really want to impress the more important people of this world.

So why don't you just run off, huh?

And you can start by removing your grubby pants off my desk!

It's too much.

This, madam, is war.

Look, get me Farson, will you? It's an emergency. Yeah.

As quick as you can.

Farson, is that you?

Look, this is fantastic. We're all involved here.

Look, it's a big crap heap, Farson. We're all involved. We're all underneath it.

"Oh, for the hate I have spent in denying my image

"and cursing the breasts of illusion.

"Renounce my power.

"So that I do live, I will die!

"And over for now the vomit,

"invisible skull, the fear of bones,

"the grasp against man and woman and babe

"Till my turn comes

"and I enter that blind maw and change to a blind rock..."

Sit down, I'll be with you in a moment.

Look, if this is supposed to be entertaining...

Thank you.

Now we've had the overture and you've made yourself thoroughly at home,

would you like to explain a little more?

I beg your pardon. Do sit down.

Thank you.

Farson,

I bring you the biggest proposition that you've ever heard of in your uninspired life.

Do you know about that?

Never mind the sales talk, tell me what it is.

I bring you a commodity, Farson, that you just cannot ignore.

- What is it? - It's me.

Not a very good selling point, I'd say.

Farson,

I am going to commit suicide.

My congratulations.

But...

I want you to handle it for me.

And you can use it any way you like.

Except I want as many people to know about it as possible.

But why should you want a thing like that?

Surely, it'd be far more dignified just to crawl away into a small hole and die.

Farson, is your odious little mind working?

Oh, Fars.

Farson, come on!

Where's the power, the strength? Can't you see anything in this gimmick?

You must be able to, Fars.

I thought you were one of the guardians of the nation's institutions.

But what do I find? A flabby old gentleman.

You're just ready for teatime or something.

Farson, please, come on.

Don't depress me, don't bring me down, Farson.

Farson, you're making me lose my faith.

Just because rather a tall, fair-haired, common urchin thrusts his way into my office,

doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to get angry

or to listen to him, but I would like to know what you want.

You're an empire builder, Farson, you're at the top of the rat race.

Ah! Flattery now.

You've really made it. All this expensive crap in here,

all these symbols of all your little frauds, your double-dealings,

your dirty little kicks and punches.