Better Things

That bit. That's better.

Nasty bit. I don't like that bit, either.

There we are.

Yes.

Hi!

Hi. Oh, you're chipper.

Oh, ew, Mom.

Don't smell me. You're so creepy.

Sorry.

Uh, Harvey's over.

Oh. He is?

- Uh-huh. - Okay.

Does he want to stay for dinner?

I'm making.

Um, I don't know.

Well,

he could be out here

helping us with the groceries, maybe.

- Oh, no, Mom. It's fine. - Don't you think?

No, we got it. We're strong,

independent women.

Hey, Harvey. Hi.

Something wrong with your bones?

The way you're laying there,

I should call someone, right?

Ha ha! I'm just kidding.

Anyway, you must be exhausted.

You look completely exhausted.

- Hey, Mom. - Yeah.

Oh, no. We got these. That's fine.

Uh, so, Harvey, would you like to stay for dinner?

Uh, yeah, sure. That would be sweet.

All right. Cool.

Okay, Mom, we're going to go upstairs now.

No, no, no, no, no, baby. Stay down here.

Oh, no, Mom, seriously. We're just going to do homework.

No, no, no, no, no. Come help me with the groceries.

No. It's cool. I'll wait.

You want to help me cook?

Oh, no, Mom. We have a lot of homework.

That's great.

What is that?

Just messing around, something.

Hey, can I borrow you for a minute?

Yeah. Sure.

Cool. Step into my office.

- Max: Hey, what are you doing? - Come on down.

Don't worry about it. I'm just going to talk to him.

No, Mom, this is... No, that's kind of weird.

- It's cool. - No, no, no, Mom.

- It's all right, baby. - Mom, this is really...

Mom?

Whew.

- Mom! - Have a seat.

- Mom! - Okay.

Mom! Um, no, no no! This is so weird!

- Mom, please! - I don't mean to scare you.

- Mom! - I'm not scared.

Mom! Mom!

- You know what? - Mom!

Come down here. It's quieter.

- Mom! Mom, no! - It's all right.

I'm not going to murder you.

Mom!

- Uh... - Yeah. Go on in there.

It's just the laundry room. Yeah.

Mom!

Oh. Great.

There you go. You sit.

Okay, Harvey,

you have to understand

that I'm Mom, Dad, and the cops around here,

and you seem like a nice kid,

but the first time I ever met you,

you lied right to my face.

Wait. What?

Yeah. It was when Max and Tyler were here

and they asked me if you could sleep over,

and they said, "It's okay. Harvey is gay. Ask him."

And I asked you,

and you turned to me with your adorable face,

and you said, "Yeah, I'm totally gay."

Yeah, they told me to say those things, so...

Okay. That's even worse.

So be that as it may,

you lied right to my face straight out of the gate.

Wait. Do you want me to be gay?

I... I don't... I don't get it.

I don't care what you are.

Gay guys can sleep in my daughter's room naked,

but straight guys and liars don't get to.

My daughter has never had, like,

a kind of relationship with a guy before thing,

so I would suggest

that you guys just work on the friendship, okay?

You can come over. I'll cook for you.

You guys could do homework.

It may help her focus. It may help you.

Another little thing.

I don't want you to smoke or drink around my daughter.

I don't want you to smoke or drink period,

but if you do, I want you to lie to my daughter that you don't.

And one last thing.

That should go nowhere near my daughter. Okay?

Do we understand each other?

Let's hug it out. Okay?

Come here.

Good job. You did good.

That wasn't so scary. Okay!

Honey, you can't.

What? What can't?

You can't point

at a 15-year-old boy's dick.

I just pointed.

I don't want his 15-year-old dick

pointing at my 15-year-old daughter.

That was the point of that point.

Oh, my God.

You sequestered a minor in a room forcibly

and pointed at his penis.

Do you know how close to jail you are?

Oh. Well, sorry.

Not really sorry.

Three people told me that loved my skirt today,

and I told them I'm a thrift shop addict.

Anyway, just so you know,

I went to see my hand doctor today...

or actually, was it yesterday?

and he gave me a shot,

and it helped a lot.

So obviously I'm not allergic to it.

Did I tell you this already?

Phyl, you should go home now.

I know. I eat so slowly, it drives her crazy.

- This is delicious. - It sure was.

And you know what, dear? I will come and sit with you.

Ah. So are you getting Sam some more work lately?

- Because I read this book... -

...and there was a project... Oh. Sorry.

- Time for me to go. - Hmm.

This was delicious.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm so lucky.

Okay. I'll clean.

Thank you very much. Glad you liked it.

I did like it.

Can I have some candy now?

I think you can.

Darling,

oh, you've got such beautiful skin.

Let me see your teeth.

Did your mommy make your dentist appointment?

- Did you? - Phyl.

- I know. - Night-night.

- Night-night. - Ta-ra.

- Ta-ra-ra-boom-dee-ay. - Bye.

Can I have some?

Yeah.

You guys can have, like, one more piece.

Ohh.

Can Rory have...

- Mm-hmm. - Kit-Kat?

Yeah, there's no nuts.

"Two is the beginning of the end."

Mama, no offense,

but you're kind of mean to Gran.

Oh. Honey, you're going to be mean to me, too.

Your sisters already are.

In fact, I need you to be mean to me when I'm old

so I don't feel so bad

about how mean I am to your grandmother now.

Was Gran mean to her mom?

I don't think so.

I think I started it.

"Of course they lived at 14.

Until Wendy came, her mother was the chief one."

Don't you think? It might be...

Oh! What the hell!

Oh, my God, Mom.

You freaked.

That's not funny.

A person could get injured, and they could sue you.

Nan, Mom's not going to sue me. It's just a coat.

I sued my mother.

Mom.

Goodbye.

- Ooh. - Are you okay?

You know, she keeps doing that to me on purpose.

Okay, this shit is on now!

I'm going to get her back. Ho-ho! Yes.

Mama, what are you going to do?

Mom, I'm scared.

No, baby. Don't you be scared.

I'm only playing. Mom and Frankie are in a game.

We're going to scare each other.

Oh, can I be in it?

Can I help scare her?

Sure.

But not too scary, though, right?

Well, I really want to scare her, though.