Ted Lasso

Amy,

could you please come to the seafood department? Amy to the seafood department.

Okay, we got eight cans of cat food,

eight packs of smokes, and one coconut water.

- - Are you sure you need

all them cigarettes, Ms. Halpern?

Don't you worry, Teddy. If I die, the cats know what to do.

Okay. Total's 94.09.

Hmm.

Eight, nine.

- Keep the change. - I appreciate it.

And give your mom a squeeze for me.

Oh. Yeah, will do.

- Here you go, ma'am. - Thank you.

Of course.

- Hey, Ted. - Hmm?

Can I go on break?

Yeah. Go nuts, man.

Price check needed on aisle seven.

Hey, Vanessa. Can you cover me for a minute?

Hell, yeah. You do you, king.

Thanks, m'lady.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy.

Oh, oh, what a day. What a haul. Yeah.

There we go.

- You ever have this stuff? - No.

Thirty seconds in the microwave, it's as good as people food.

- You steal all that? - Heck yeah. Perks of the job. Am I right?

Yeah. As a little boy, I saw the musical, Oliver.

Then I saw Aladdin as a teenager.

Both those things made stealing look so cool, I had to give it a shot.

Now I'm addicted to it.

Heck, I haven't paid for razors in almost three years.

I've saved 9,000 bucks.

- Don't you worry about getting caught? - Actually, I don't.

Nope.

Probably due to my deeply ingrained white male privilege.

Yeah. I mean, heck, I don't even like licorice.

Ted, please report to the manager's desk.

- Ted to the manager's desk. - Oh, snap.

Bet he saw us on the security cameras. Hey, do me a favor.

Put all this junk back, a-as well as the cigarettes you took,

and, uh, I'll smooth things over with the boss. Cool?

Yeah, cool, cool. Okay.

- Hey, 'cause I can't go back to prison. -

- Hey, how you doing? - Hi there.

- - I know.

Coach?

Joe Conrad?

225 career tackles, 21 sacks,

all-American, all-conference,

and all-around good guy.

You forgot about that mule I stole from Central Missouri.

I did, but a mule never forgets.

- Thought that was elephants. - Yeah, maybe.

I can't remember. How you been, man?

I'm great, Coach. I got married five years ago.

Been working for my father-in-law.

- We just had our first baby, Jake. - Oh,

and here I am thinking this was just an elaborate fanny pack.

Nice to meet you, Jake. How you doing?

What about you, Coach?

I heard you were over in England coaching soccer or something.

Yeah, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt,

and now I use it to wash my tires.

No, came back home a couple of years ago to be with my little boy, Henry,

who ain't so little no more. I'm just making up for lost time.

Making school lunches, playing lots of Fortnite together,

trying to help him become the best version of himself.

Just like you did for all of us.

That's kind of you to say.

There you are. Jesus.

I thought you ran off with the baby.

Sweetie, guess who this is.

The assistant manager.

- This is Coach Lasso. - It is?

- You are? - Yes, ma'am.

- The man you refer to as... - The greatest role model of my life.

Coach, this is my wife, Tabitha.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

Hi. A-And you work... You work here?

Yes, ma'am. Yeah, well, part-time.

Though I use the employee discount full-time 'cause, let me tell you,

it takes a butt load of PB&J Uncrustables to have enough energy

to play video games all weekend.

- That is awesome. -

That is awesome, right, baby?

I am so confused right now.

- Ted, manager's desk now. - Hmm. Uh-oh.

- Urgent. I repeat, urgent! - They're playing my song. I gotta run.

- Really nice to meet you, Tabitha. - Yeah.

You too, Jake. Joe, great to see you.

Maybe I'll see you on the Battle Bus soon, huh?

Yeah. All right now.

- -

Baby, can I get a PlayStation?

Hey, sorry about that, Ronnie. What's up?

Oh, Michelle called. Sounds like Henry got in some kind of trouble at school,

and y'all got to go and talk to the principal.

- Okay. You mind if I duck out early? - Sure.

Hey. Hey, Vanessa, need you to cover for Ted this afternoon.

I got you, Daddy.

She's high as a kite, but she's never missed a day.

Plus, the ex-wife hates her.

Yeah, I bet. Okay, I'll see you.

Hey, Ted, you want to tell me why I saw your ass

stealing a bunch of shit on the security cameras?

Oh, yeah, uh, sorry about that,

but... ...don't worry. Tyler set me straight.

Won't happen again, all right? See you next week.

- Hi. - Hey.

Sorry I'm late. I-I got here as quick as I could.

- That's okay. - Did you get a haircut?

Oh. Yeah, a couple weeks ago.

- Oh. Looks nice. - Thanks.

- So, what's going on? - I don't know.

- They didn't tell me anything. I don't... - Yeah.

- Oh, hi. -

Thank you both so much for coming in on such short notice.

- Of course. - Can I offer you some tea?

- Uh, no, thank you. - Hmm, yeah,

- I'd rather suck sweat from a horse butt... - Okay.

I mean, no, thank you.

Mr. Casey, is everything okay with Henry?

Uh...

Henry will be graduating next week,

but, here at Manning Elementary, we don't like to pass on our problems.

A teacher found some very disturbing, uh,

poetry in the back of Henry's notebook. And I quote...

"I got a letter from the government the other day. I opened and read it.

It said they were suckers."

Suckers is underlined.

- Oh, wow. Okay. - Oh.

"They wanted me for their army or whatever.

Picture me giving a damn, I said never."

Well, I give a damn.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

I give a damn... very, very much.

- Mmm. Sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly.

Thanks.

Boy, oh, boy, that was a whole lot of something about nothing.

How do you get to be a principal without knowing the lyrics of Public Enemy?

I reckon most antiquated institutions ain't too keen on encouraging folks

- to fight the power these days. -

Well, thank the Honorable Elijah Muhammad

that Henry will be out of here in two weeks.

Yeah, I think a change of scenery will be good for the little guy.

- Yeah. - Mmm.

Okay, well, I better get back.

Yeah. How's work going, by the way?

- It's exhausting. - Mm-hmm.

Derek put me on another bullshit faculty committee,

and it's eating up all my time, and I...

Ready, go!

Good goal.

See you at the game tonight, Coach?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Um... Yeah, no, I'll see you tonight. - It's okay. Okay.

Oh, hey, remember to charge his iPad. You hung me out to dry last time.

The only thing at zero percent should be your doubt that it will be done.

- Okay. Bye. - All right.

- Oh... Did he not see us? - What? Uh...

Hmm.

- Um. - Hmm.

- Should we... - Uh...

- Yeah, maybe we... - go in?

- What? - Oh.

- Oh. - Yes.

- Rebecca and Keeley in Kansas. - Ooh.

Higgins in shorts. Oh, my.

I feel unleashed, Ted.

- Yeah. Get in here. -

- - How're y'all doing? What the heck?

- What a nice surprise. - Hi.

I did reach out several times actually.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

- Hey, y'all hungry? - Oh, I'm starving.

- Oh, yeah. - Well,

I could try that Kansas City barbecue you were always prattling on about.

Oh, I know just the spot.

Get ready for some good old-fashioned Midwestern hospitality.

- - Hi, may I help you?

Oh, hey, sorry, Gwen, they're from out of town.

Ted!

- Ted! - Hey, fellas!

Now did you just come in here for a quick sniff,

or do you want the usual?

We're going to do the usual times four, please.

You got it.

Four president's trays, please.

- Four president's trays, please. - Aight.

- Oh. - Mmm.

- Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. - Mmm.

- Mmm. Oh, shit. - Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

- Oh. - Battle wound.

Your hero's journey has now crossed the threshold.

I love the food in Kansas.

Yeah. Well, actually, we're in Missouri right now.

Kansas is just right across the street over there.