Vital Signs

Race? - Sure.

Up and back.

- Steroids. - Yeah, right.

Mike Chatham, third year.

- I can't seem to find your name. - You can't find it?

Guess I'll have to give up being a doctor and take you out to breakfast instead.

Save the bedside manner for someone else.

Chatham, group eight. OB-GYN.

- How about a rain check on breakfast? - Lucky me.

Never rains in California.

Chatham!

- Hayes! - What are you?

- Eight. What are you? - The same.

- All right. Great. - Great for you. I can kiss Honors good-bye

with you in my group.

Hello, Michael.

- Julie. - Unbelievable!

- You and Julie? - Not anymore. How was love in Denver?

There's this lab assistant. She's, like, naked under her coat.

- No, she works like that? - Every day.

Try to keep your beaker steady with that in the room.

Hayes, you tell that story to one more person...

- Suzanne. - Hey, Michael.

Hey. Tell me it's not too late to quit med school

and come away to Paris with me.

It is, Michael. I already paid for this year.

Children.

Out of the 98 available male third-year students,

how come I get the one guy that I've roomed with for five years?

- What did I do to deserve this? - You? What about me?

- Group eight? - Verily.

- Hey, Hayes. How's it goin'? - Great.

- Suzanne. Chatham. You're in this group? - Hi, Kenny.

That's good. That's good.

Two surgeons. Great. Maybe I can skip surgery rotation altogether.

- Nobody'll know I'm missing. - Yeah.

Hayes passed out last Thanksgiving when I asked him to carve the turkey.

Completely untrue. Absolute slander.

Gina. Hey. - Hey!

- Hi, Gina. - Michael.

Kenny. How's Lauren?

Don't faint. We got hitched this summer.

You were the one who always said marriage made you soft.

Yeah, well, it turns out it makes you sharper.

- Hey, Mike. Guys. - It's Gant.

You can always tell it's the first day of the year.

- Gant's nose isn't brown yet. - What you guys got?

OB-GYN.

Save my seat there, partner. Thanks.

I got Redding first. Surgery.

- Lucky you. - That's easy for you to say.

Redding is a killer. He's the dean of third year. He's gonna bust my balls.

Mike, what say we share notes again this year?

You take mine, you mean?

Michael! Suzanne.

- Beautiful. - Forget it, Gant.

- Here you go, partner. - Thanks.

I'm Dr. David Redding, dean of third-year studies and Chief of Surgery.

You know, every year I look out at the group assembled here,

and I ask myself the same question:

Why would anyone knowingly do this to themselves?

For the next year, your days will not end.

The work will never stop.

Your rank will command absolutely zero respect.

And, worst of all, after it's over,

you will be faced with the horrible realization

that there is nothing in your medical career

that will ever be as rewarding as third year.

Third year is like being an 18-year-old rookie

and being called on to pitch the seventh game of the world series

blindfolded.

Doesn't get any tougher.

Just remember though that none of you would be here

if you weren't pretty good rookies to start with.

Now, for survival purposes, you have been divided into small groups

that you will stay with all year through each of your rotations.

The very best in each specialty

will be selected to enter residency in that area.

There are three internships in Pediatrics,

two for OB-GYN, two for Internal Medicine,

and one and only one for Surgery.

That's my little neck of the woods.

Your future will depend on how many honor grades you accumulate

during the course of the year and whether or not you honor in your specialty.

- Size. - I know that's very important to you.

For me, the only thing that really matters

is making you into the best doctors possible.

Because it is hands-on from this moment on, people, for the rest of your professional days.

Well, doesn't everybody look official?

I'm Bobby. I'm Dr. Redding's physician's aide.

It's my job to show you people how little you really know.

And... I love my job.

Every morning, you will be at the hospital an hour before the doctors

to check on your patients' primary care.

Then the entire team with your resident will make the rounds.

- During these sessions, you will be pimped. - Pimped?

Pimped... questioned, probed and humiliated by the residents,

for interpretations, diagnoses, complications.

Cases that are really juicy will be reviewed in grand rounds,

which is the same as regular rounds except that everybody in the house is there.

If you intend to make Honors, you'd better know your shit on grand rounds.

I've been in this place a long time,

and I've never seen anyone screw up grand rounds

and come out with Honors. Nobody.

Daily summaries are on green paper, permanent summaries are on red paper.

Please observe the following demonstration closely.

Unlabeled blood specimens received in the specimen receiving room

will be processed as follows.

Nurses... heads, R.N.s, L.V.N.s, nurse's aides...

It is easy to confuse them. Don't.

Hi.

- Hi. - Talking's allowed.

I'm glad you're enjoying the privilege.

Seeing as how we didn't do too much of it our first two years,

I thought now that we're in the same group, we could make up for lost time.

Michael, you've convinced me. You're very charming.

- Thank you. - But I'm afraid you've got it.

- Got what? - Surgeon's ego.

- What is it? A disease? What? - You look to be a classic case.

- Your personality already fits the prototype. - And what's that?

As a group, they're narcissistic, insensitive, chauvinistic,

and their only definition of success is to win at all costs.

I'm Dr. Margaret Kennan, chief resident of OB-GYN.

You will begin the first of your rotations in my domain.

The patient is a 23-year-old gravida 1, para 0, ab-0, 40 weeks gestation,

noted one week ago to have frank breech presentation.

External versions attempted two times failed,

so she's been admitted for elective C-section.

- Buenos días, señora. - Ola.

Dr. Hayes, why is this patient having a C-section?

Well...

If she were well, Dr. Hayes, she wouldn't be here.

Dr. Wyler?

Because the external version failed.

Delivering a breech presentation might expose the baby to unnecessary injury.

And what injuries are those? Dr. Rose?

Nerve damage, prolapsed cord and delay in delivery of the head.

What about the possible problems with doing a C-section? Dr. Chatham?

Aspiration from anesthesia, bleeding, infection, pulmonary embolism.

Good.

- I knew that. - Some help here!

Dr. Kennan! Seventh baby. Got hung up in Admitting.

- She's not gonna make it to delivery. - Okay.

Get over here!

Hold her up for me. I want you to breathe. Just breathe. Now, push.

Push! Big push. Big push.

Yeah! Don't stop.

Breathe in. Breathe in.

Here it comes. Big push.

Hey! Yeah! Yeah!

Good girl. Relax.

You have a beautiful, perfect, little baby boy.

Wow!

- A baby. - You're here, people.

Is it too late for law school?

All right. Kenny's patient, Mrs. Thompkins.

Twenty-three weeks gestation noted. Hayes?

- Top left. - Is admitted for strong labor pains.

Don't!

Hayes!

Be careful not to touch anything. It's a lab experiment.

That you've been growing for two years. Use mine, Gina.

So, now, what if the ultrasound shows abruption?

Then the bleeding will probably stop.

Okay. But what happens when she begins contractions?

Do an amnio on her.

Determine the baby's age in case she needs a section.

There's no need to do a tap on her this soon.

Why don't you just try to stop labor and see if you can carry her for a few weeks?

- No way. You're wrong. - No, I'm right.

If it was an abruption, the odds are that the bleeding will stop.

And if you can stop her labor, she'll probably go to term.

I mean, there's no need to risk a tap right away.

You're right.

- What are you drinking? - Herbal tea. It's from Pakistan.

You can probably smell it in Pakistan.

It doesn't bother Hayes.

Yeah, my olfactory cells were destroyed when we first started rooming together.

What do you guys do when, you know, one of you brings home a date?

What's a date?

In med school? When was the last time I had a date, Hayes?

I believe the year was 1922.

Woody Wilson had just taken office, and...

Come on in. It's open.

- Hi. - Lauren. I thought I was gonna call you.

I thought you were too.

Everybody, this is my wife.

- Lauren. Um, you know Gina. - Hi.

- Hi. - This is Michael.

- Hi. - And Suzanne.

Hi. - And Hayes.

How do? - Hey.

- You didn't change. - No, I just got off work.

What... Jesus. Look what time it is.

- Where do you work? - She works in a restaurant.

If you want, I can come back over when you're done.

No way. You kidding? We're out of here.

- Um, in the morning. - Bye.

Well, I think I'll be going too.

Bye, you guys. Nice meeting you. Bye.