Inventing the Abbotts

Man: The end of my innocence and childhood began in 1957.

It is remarkable to me now

just how little I knew then about the people around me.

It took me years to figure out

exactly what the truth was,

especially given my brother's knack

at inventing facts.

My mother once told me that if the Abbotts didn't exist,

my brother would've had to invent them.

Lloyd Abbott wasn't the richest man in town,

but it seemed like he was,

because he had 3 beautiful daughters--

Alice, Eleanor, and Pamela.

At least twice a year,

you could see the big tent go up on their tennis court,

and everybody could see that one of the Abbott girls

was having a birthday

or graduating or going away to college.

Man: Here we go-- another party.

Shut up.

Every time an Abbott girl gets her period,

they have some party.

Shut up.

Kotex parties, Kotex party hats.

Man: My brother and I were born strangers--

Same last name,

same address,

but everything else about us was different.

Back then,Jacey was a complete mystery to me,

and I was a constant source of embarrassment to him.

Oh, Christ.

Mom?

Mom?

- Mom? - Hmm?

Mom, he has to wash that off.

Why?

You cannot let him go to the party

until he washes that off.

Mom, it'll look worse if I wash it.

It's India ink. It'll turn gray.

It'll look like dirt.

You look like a clown.

He looks like a clown, Mom, and he doesn't even know it.

I--I thought you weren't even going to the party.

I changed my mind.

Doug, you do understand

that you may be the only person at this party

with artificial sideburns?

Yeah.

You do understand that they don't look real?

Yeah.

That they look really as if you'd drawn them on?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, honey,

it does seem that he understands,

so just go to the party and ignore Doug.

Just have a good time.

Pretend that you don't even...

You've got...

Bye.

Doug: Lloyd Abbott had power in our town,

and he didn't have to twist arms

to get what he wanted.

He had a much more effective way

of exercising his influence.

He gave lavish parties with real Chicago musicians

and fresh shrimp cocktail.

There wasn't a person around

who wouldn't do almost anything to be invited,

especially my brother.

I'm going out to the lake tomorrow.

Sandy wants to show off her dad's new boat.

I want you to come.

Jacey: I, uh...

I have to work.

Guess you'll have to write me a letter then.

Jacey: What do you mean?

I'll be right back.

Hi.

Hi.

Nice tie.

Thanks.

Can I borrow a Kleenex?

Greaser.

Any smokes around here?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to propose a toast

In honor of our cause for celebration tonight--

The engagement of our daughter Alice

to Mr. Peter Vanlaningham.

So is this Peter your Alice is gonna marry rich?

Of course, he is one of the Atlas Steel Vanlaninghams--

Pittsburgh.

He's a bully.

So how come Alice is marrying him?

Because my parents want her to,

and Alice is afraid of my parents.

It's practically an arranged marriage.

They think Alice has peanut shells for brains

or something,

so they sort of suggested

that it was time to tie the old knot,

and then they sort of suggested

that Peter was the one to do it with.

Jeez...

no one could be that much of a pushover.

Look, Alice is the good daughter,

Eleanor's the bad one, and...

I'm the one that just sort of gets off the hook.

It's just the way it works.

Which one are you?

You mean which kind of brother am I ?

You got me.

The little brother, I guess.

Hmm...

I like your sideburns.

Thank you.

Doug: You never really knew

what was going on with the Abbotts,

and what the guests at the party didn't know

was that they were celebrating

a very expensive shotgun wedding.

Alice Abbott was already 2 months pregnant.

Look, I'll--I'll see you later, okay?

Okay.

Thanks for coming.

No problem.

[Humming Love Me Tender]

Doug: Everything Jacey wanted in life

the Abbotts already had--

Their cars, money, country clubs.

But in the beginning, more than anything else,

he wanted Eleanor Abbott.

I'd witnessed enough of my brother's social agony

to resolve early on

I would never let the Abbotts matter to me.

3 out of 5?

2 out of 3. You serve.

Jacey: You want to go get a beer?

Get a beer beer?

No, a root beer. Yeah, a beer beer.

Where are we going to get beer?

The bait shop.

If you go in there alone

and nobody else is there,

Ernie will sell you a couple bottles.

Yeah.

Okay.

Jacey...

remember that time I got my dick caught in my zipper?

Remember? In school? In the first grade?

Remember Mrs. Horge came to help me,

but I wouldn't let her,

so she went to get Mom out of her classroom,

but I wouldn't let her help me, either,

so I made her go get you?

Remember?