The Man Who Wasn't There

First time for the Washington Monument.

Come on, stone head, make a left turn here.

Gimme some of that beer.

Buy your own.

Riley and I will take it up to Ten Duyck.

Wait here.

Hey, Carter...

pick me up a hotdog on the way back.

Yeah, get him a cobra with mustard and mayonnaise.

Screw you.

Screw you.

What are you lookin' at?

The space between your teeth.

Mice!

Good afternoon, General.

General Podrido-Carnitas.

His excellency, General Alejandro Podrido-Carnitas.

Ambassador of the Republic of Argentina.

Ambassador Hajji Rastafani.

Archipelago of Palawan.

Unhand me!

Don't grab me like that!

Rastafani, Palawan!

Mister Ambassador.

Welcome, it's good to see you again.

I can assure you, Mister Cooper,

that my government will file a sharp protest

over this shoddy treatment of its dutifully

accredited representative, um, oh yes.

The United States

values the friendship of Palawan very highly, Mister Ambassador.

If you've been treated discourteously,

I'll see that whoever's responsible

is reprimanded.

Well, then you can start

with whoever is responsible for the food.

In every other room, they are being served caviar,

and quail, and fresh fruit, and bananas.

And what do we get here?

Chicken balls and fish guts.

Chicken giblets, Mister Ambassador.

I know chicken balls when I see them...

h-however briefly.

You-hoo, just a moment. Don't go 'way.

You, just a...

Hi.

I ah, I forgot my camera.

I'll be right back.

Look out. Look out!

Hey, where you goin'?

Get outta my way!

Sir, that's not a twist-off.

Is Rastafani filing another protest?

Frankly, Hassan, I don't blame him.

Oh, there has clearly been a mistake, Tohfa.

There is no way in the world

that your country can be seated ahead of mine.

Their countries are pimples!

At best.

I told them to give us a round table.

What do you think you are doing, you Amazon?

Ha!

Excuse me.

Whatta you...

Sam!

You're supposed to be

walkin' down the aisle in 15 minutes.

I know. I know!

I know!

Yuck.

Come here, you bloody bastard!

Huh?

Come here, Riley.

Stop! Come here!

Hey!

Where's Riley goin'?

Let's go! What's he doin'?

Come on, move the bottle, huh?

Drive, let's go! Drive, drive, drive!

Ladies and gentlemen, please!

Schmucks!

Come on, let's get outta here.

You can't help this.

I can't just...

Whoops, excuse me, you okay?

I'm not doing a very good job as your best man.

Oh, it's my fault...

but Amanda will be furious.

Have you ever seen Amanda furious?

I once saw her mildly annoyed.

Well, then you know what I mean.

Are you Cooper? Yes.

The Assistant Secretary wants to see you!

I'm, I'm late for a wedding.

Well, then I'd count on being even later.

You don't understand, it's, it's my wedding.

Well, then you have nothing to worry about.

They can't start without you.

This guy's great, huh?

Wait here.

Great! Great!

He's over there!

Well, move it!

- I'm movin'! - I'm movin'!

Stop! Catch him!

Catch him!

I'm gonna kill him!

Hurry up!

Get him, will you?

Get him!

Get him! Get him!

Riley!

Hop in! Hop in!

- Follow that man! - Follow that car!

I'm going to be late for my wedding.

I can't believe it. Well, tell 'em.

Excuse me.

Psst.

I gotta be--

The Assistant Secretary will see you

as soon as his schedule permits.

I'm not crazy about that guy.

I can hardly wait to twist his ass!

You should've caught 'im before!

Shut up! I'm callin' the shots here!

Now, drive!

Cooper! Yes.

I have tried to keep

your duties circumscribed, Cooper!

Sir--

Cooper, don't interrupt when the Secretary's speaking.

You have an inexhaustible supply

of new ways to be found wanting.

I understand that crockery, 12-inch dinner plates,

property of the United States Government,

and numerous other forms of our national condiments,

were used in an impromptu game of football by your charges!

Mister Secretary, they were upset!

Evidently!

Sir, those folks

are so thoroughly ignored by everyone

that it makes them...

well, it makes them a little crazy.

Those folks, as you so quaintly put it,

represent countries whose collective budgets

couldn't even cover the cost of replacing the dinner plates,

or peanut barrels!

And I'm not ignoring them.

I have given them you.

Your job is to see that they limit their hostile acts

to diplomatic notes, or self mutilation!

If you cannot do so,

there is always Post 361.

Three sixty-one?

In Greenland.

All right, now, on to the next disaster.

Facing Amanda.

That won't be so tough.

Come on.

You look stunning, Mandy.

I wish Uncle Joe were here to give you away.

He's our only family left.

How can you count on a senile old scientist,

who's always trying to save the world

with his chemistry set?

And where's Mister Samuel Cooper?

Judy, go down and check again, would you, please?

All he had to do

was travel a few miles across town, and not get lost.

He's doing this just to embarrass me!

Sam wouldn't do that, Mandy.

It's probably just something out of his control.

Sam's whole life is out of his control.

Listen, this is your last chance,

you wanna change your mind?

Are you crazy? A girl like Amanda?

She's great. I don't know.

This is it.

Come on, pick up speed, will ya?

What the hell you want from me, shut up!

Oh, wait a minute, I almost forgot.

The Ambassador of Hong Kong, Ambassador Chang gave me these.

What's this?

They're ah, pills for the wedding night.

I know this stuff. This is for hemorrhoids.

Pardon?

Go on, drive! I want him dead!

I want that bastard dead, go on!

Ted, can you hurry up, please?

I'm goin' as fast as I can.

All right. I'm sorry, Just relax.

I don't wanna get you mad,

but I'd like to get there on time.

Look out, buddy!

That guy's in one big hurry.

Ah, watch it! Watch it! Watch it!

Serves ya right, asshole!

Anything broken, Sam?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Are you all right?