American Pie Presents: Beta House

Man, will you look at all the hot tail running around this place?

Look, look. Oh, God.

Dad, listen, could you just... Please, please don't embarrass me today, okay?

- Embarrass you? - Not today.

Son, you spent the entire summer depressed

because your girlfriend ran off with that pretty boy, Trent.

Now, you gotta get out there and crush some ass!

It's the only way to get your mind off her.

- Yes. Yes, that is what I'm talking about. - Yes, huh?

"Crush some ass"? Oh, come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

- I'll show you how it's done. - Oh, no. No, no, no.

- Watch this. Just watch and learn. - Just please drive.

Excuse me, ladies? Hi. Hi.

- This is my son, Erik. - Hi.

And he's moving in today,

and we were just wondering if maybe either of you were interested

in showing him a good time?

No, thanks.

I'm sorry.

- He's a stallion, just like his old man! - No, Dad, come on!

Well, I tried, Erik.

Yeah, thanks. Now I'm gonna have to transfer.

- Son, son? - Yeah.

I want to show you something.

That is the list of all the chicks I ever banged.

Are you serious?

- Is that two-sided? It is! Nice! - It is!

Yeah. It's a good goal for you to try to keep up with your old man.

Hey, Dad, why isn't Mom's name the last name on the list there?

We didn't tell you, but when you were three, we had a trial separation for a week.

Trial...

Dad, there's like... Well, there's 10 names here for that week alone.

Yeah, I went on kind of a poon-tang bender, there.

Is that my mom's name?

Yeah, you know, on second thought, I'll just kind of hang on to that.

Come on, guys. Let's get loaded here!

- I'm sorry. - Cooze, grab a box.

- Did you have sex with his mom? - Yeah.

How was it?

Wow! This place is amazing.

Hi.

God, there are girls everywhere.

This is my room.

It still kind of sucks that we're not gonna be rooming together.

Dude, whatever. You're gonna be right down the hall.

Besides, I got a single.

- Hold on to this. I'm gonna find a bathroom. - All right.

I'll be right back.

Hi, how you doing? Mike Coozeman. Glad to meet you.

Wow. This is gonna take some getting used to.

Yeah, isn't this the guy's bathroom?

No, it's coed. All the dorms are like this.

Cool, coed, yeah.

Don't worry. I won't peek.

Yeah, I won't peek... I won't peek, either.

- I'm Ashley, what's your name? - I'm Erik.

- Well, it's nice to meet you, Erik. - It's nice to meet you, too.

Hey, do you think you could pass me my shampoo? It's just right there.

- Yeah. Just give me a minute here, okay? - Thanks.

Erik?

Erik?

A little help here?

Ride the white whale, baby!

Ride the white whale.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God. Oh, man. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, the door was...

- Hey, you must be Erik. - I am.

- I'm Bobby. - Hi.

- Come on in, man. - No, no, no. It's...

- You guys are busy. I can come back later. - Okay, listen. This is your place, too,

and don't worry about Margie. She's not exactly shy.

No, she's not.

- Sit down. You want a beer? - No.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Are you hungry? Margie cooked up some mean bratwurst.

- No, I just had a sandwich. Thanks. - All right.

- Where're you from? - East Great Falls.

East Great Falls.

Slow down, sassy pants.

All right, baby? I'm trying to have a conversation.

Yeah.

- College! Yeah! Best years of our lives! - Yeah.

Put it up.

- Oh, high... - High-five.

You wanna jump in on this?

- Come on. Margie loves it. - No, no, no. Margie, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I'm good.

Look, it was very nice to meet you, Bobby and Margie.

Actually, I just came to change my pants here.

I spilled a drink on it earlier

Are you role-playing again?

Say the safe word, baby. Say the safe... Baby? Are you choking?

- Dude, I think she's choking! - What?

I think she's choking. You gotta do something.

- Do something. - I can't do anything!

I'm tied up and basted like a Thanksgiving turkey.

- Hold on. From the spot. - Come on

- Oh. - Breathe.

What do you want me to do with all this...

Get out!

- Erik? No! - Sorry.

All right, son!

Yeah! That's what being a Stifler's all about.

- No, no, no. She was choking. - That's it!

- I was helping her. - That's how Stiflers do college.

Now, let's just give these kids some privacy.

Doing good. Keep it up.

I'm not trying to freak you out, roomie, but I just totally came.

Hey, ladies.

Is this where Laura Johnson and Sara Coleman live?

Yeah, I'm Laura Johnson and this is my roommate, Sara.

My name is Dwight Stifler.

I'm here with the Freshman Welcoming Committee,

and I've been given instructions to escort you ladies

on a guided tour of the entire campus.

- That's so sweet. - Yeah.

Should we wear anything special?

Dude, there is no way that everybody in this is a student here.

Look, he's holding her boob.

He is.

No, man, they are. I've had a subscription for, like, a year.

That'll be good.

That's not a cologne ad.

I've used that exact issue more times than I can count.

You smell pretty.

- Sorry. - That was so uncalled for.

- Wow. - Is this Erik Stifler's room?

Yeah.

Welcome to college, boys.

Yeah. No, I wouldn't lie to you. I'm dead serious.

Most sororities won't even give you a bid unless you've had a threesome.

It shows that you work well within the group dynamic,

and that you're really prepared for sisterhood.

You know what I'm saying?

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, man. Who is this guy?

Dude, he's the reason we came to college here.

Here we are, boys.

Oh, man, she's hot.

- You like that? - That was awesome.

I like to give a little bit back every now and then.

- Hey, hey, shower buddy! - Oh, hey. Hi.

Shower buddy?

Yeah, Erik and I met when I was showering this afternoon.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, right, the coed bathrooms. Yeah.

It took me about three years to get the board of trustees

to approve that one. Worth it.

Oh, Ashley, hi. This...

Everyone, this is Ashley. Ashley, this is everyone.

Hi, everybody.

This is my roommate, Denise. She just came here from Georgia.

Hey, y'all.

Well, I do declare, a real life Scarlett O'Hara.

Oh, my.

Well, hey, you guys aren't taking off, are you?

Yeah, we're going to this cocktail mixer at the Epsilon Sigma Kappa House.

Oh, no, no, no. The Geek House? No, trust me.

- I wanna stay but... - But we promised, so...

Plus, Ashley thinks this party is a little bit déclassé.

What? Like sleazy?

Hey, baby. How you doing, sweetheart? Grab a beer.

No, you got the wrong idea about this whole thing.

Look, this is just a little meet and greet that I set up to, sort of,

you know, demonstrate our school spirit

and our, you know, dedication to this university.

Beta House fucking rules!

Real classy.

- Erik, it was really nice to see you again. - Yeah.

- Guys, till next time. - Yeah, see you.

- Bye, guys. - Bye.

- It's nice to meet you. - See you.

Hey, Stifler, what's up with this Geek House?

Yeah, I never even heard of it.

I know a Geek house sounds harmless, but they are a nightmare.

They were a social club for decades,

till a group of rich geeks came in and threw some money around,

built the house, got a new charter.

A geek fraternity?

To get in, you need, like, perfect SAT scores.

Transfer $2 million to my Swiss account.

Then they check your family tree and calculate future earnings potential.

No, I said buy at 60, not sell at 60. You're fucking fired!

They got billionaire alumni.

Hey, it's only 100 grand.

They run the student government, and the faculty loves them.

But don't even get me started on the women.

They attract the hottest women from the entire school.

Who wants to hang out with a house full of geeks?

It's a new world out there.

These women realize that the geeks are gonna be the millionaires

right out of school.

They've just adjusted their nesting habits.

Hey, don't sweat it. Beta's still where the party's at, right?

Look out! Stifler, the judging's about to begin.

Judging?

Oh, the Beta House never disappoints.

- Are you serious? It's always like this? - All the time.

- These girls are ridiculous. - Ridiculous.