Tom Segura: Completely Normal

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TOM SEGURA.

THANK YOU. THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU. VERY NICE OF YOU.

THANK YOU.

I HOPE I LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

I REALIZED TODAY THAT I NEED A HOBBY,

BECAUSE MY WORKDAY JUST STARTED, LIKE, NOW.

RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, HERE'S THE THING,

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BIG A PART OF MY DAY.

SO EVEN IF IT DOESN'T GO WELL, IT'S LIKE, AH, YOU KNOW,

STILL A PRETTY GOOD FUCKING DAY.

LIKE, IT WAS... WASN'T A BAD DAY.

IT JUST... YOU KNOW, THAT PART AT WORK THAT, FOR AN HOUR,

JUST DIDN'T GO TO MY LIKING,

AND THEN I HAD A GREAT DAY OTHERWISE.

'CAUSE MY WHOLE LIFE IS BASICALLY, YOU KNOW,

IT'S... IT'S... IT'S HOTELS.

BEING IN A HOTEL, JUST WAITING FOR THE SHOW.

SAD, RIGHT?

I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO START.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT... WHAT AM I GONNA...

I MEAN, YOU CAN ONLY JERK OFF SO MANY TIMES

BEFORE YOU'RE LIKE, ALL RIGHT,

I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN, BUT...

RIGHT NOW IT HURTS.

I SHOULD FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.

I ABSOLUTELY RUIN HOTEL ROOMS.

LIKE, IF YOU STAY IN A HOTEL ROOM AFTER I STAYED THERE,

SHIT IS GONNA ITCH ON YOU, OKAY?

JUST BEING HONEST.

COME ON, HOTELS ARE GREAT.

EVERYBODY LOVES HOTELS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CHECK IN

WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW IN A HOTEL

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SEX,

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE AN ELEVATED FORM OF SEX.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE HOTEL ROOM SEX,

WHICH IS, LET'S HAVE SEX,

BUT LET'S ALSO DISRESPECT THIS ROOM.

YEAH.

I DO THAT TOO, EXCEPT I'M ALONE.

LIKE, I ALWAYS WIPE MY BALLS ON THE CURTAINS,

BECAUSE I KNOW THEY DON'T CHANGE THOSE.

THINK ABOUT THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT SOME SUNLIGHT.

OR DON'T.

JUST KNOW THAT IT'S ON YOUR HAND, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HERE'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.

I GOT INTO ONLINE SHOPPING RECENTLY.

I GUESS THAT'S A THING.

HERE'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING THOUGH.

I SHOP FOR THINGS THAT ARE, LIKE,

WAY OUT OF MY PRICE RANGE.

AND THEN AFTER A WHILE, I GO, "OH, YEAH.

I CAN'T AFFORD THAT."

LIKE TODAY, I WAS LOOKING AT YACHTS ONLINE.

AND THEN I WAS TELLING MYSELF I DIDN'T WANT THEM,

AS IF THEY WERE AN OPTION, YOU KNOW?

I WAS LIKE, "155 FEET? THAT'S NOT EVEN"

"BIG ENOUGH FOR ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

I'M NOT GETTING THAT SHIT."

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

YOU EVER DO THAT?

YOU EVER GO DOWN, LIKE, A RABBIT HOLE ONLINE,

AND THEN, LIKE, SIX HOURS HAVE GONE BY,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M SHOPPING FOR THE PRIVATE JET"

"THAT BEST SUITS MY NEEDS.

"I THINK I FOUND... THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE.

THE G550."

HOW MUCH IS THIS? PLACE ORDER.

$53 MILLION?

WELL, MAYBE NOT NOW, BUT MAYBE LATER.

I'll JUST BOOKMARK THAT SHIT FOR NOW.

BOOP.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

THAT'S A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.

THAT'S ME THINKING I SHOULD BE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS THING.

AND I HAVEN'T EARNED IT. I HAVEN'T.

NEITHER HAVE YOU, BUT ALSO ME.

I GET THAT FEELING THE MOST WHEN I GET UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.

YEAH. I FLY EVERY WEEK.

I NEVER BUY A FIRST CLASS TICKET.

I BUY COACH TICKETS.

I BUY THEM SO MUCH,

I GET BUMPED UP TO FIRST CLASS.

I AM TELLING YOU, THE MOMENT I GET BUMPED UP TO FIRST CLASS,

I GET WASHED OVER WITH THIS FEELING.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK AT THESE FUCKING POOR PIECES OF SHIT

ON MY FLIGHT. UGH."

I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEM.

DON'T STAND NEXT TO ME.

UGH, DUDE.

I DARE YOU TO TRY TO COME UP FROM COACH

AND USE THE FIRST CLASS BATHROOM WHEN I'M THERE.

I'll PUT MY HAND ON YOUR CHEST, OKAY?

NO. NO.

THERE'S A PIG TROUGH IN THE BACK.

THAT'S FOR YOU GUYS.

THAT'S FOR THE BIG BALLERS UP FRONT.

SOME PEOPLE BUY FIRST CLASS TICKETS.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THEY KNOW YOU GOT UPGRADED.

THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE LOOK LIKE,

"BY THE WAY, WE FUCKING KNOW."

YOU CAN SIT UP HERE, BUT YOU'RE NOT LIKE US.

GOD, IT'S SO WEIRD.

PEOPLE... PEOPLE ASK ME CRA... LIKE, I GET ASKED

FUCKING TRAVEL ADVICE FROM STRANGERS.

CAN WE JUST BREAK DOWN HOW CRAZY THAT IS?

LIKE, PEOPLE COME UP TO ME, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, YOU TRAVEL A LOT, RIGHT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH."

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHERE SHOULD I GO?"

UH, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YOU, MAN.

YOU ASK TRAVEL ADVICE TO PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU INTIMATELY.

THEY KNOW YOU WELL.

THEY CAN GUIDE YOU

BASED ON WHAT THEY KNOW ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T ASK STRANGERS DINING ADVICE, RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, MAN, WHERE SHOULD I EAT TONIGHT?"

I KNOW I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE,

BUT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME A RECOMMENDATION?

UH, YEAH. YOU SHOULD TRY THIS DIM SUM PLACE.

BUT THEN, THAT PERSON MIGHT GO, "OH, I HATE THE ASIAN WORLD."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU."

"YEAH, I KILLED, LIKE, FOUR OF THEM."

"WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, A SERIAL KILLER, OR SOMETHING?"

"YEAH."

NOW, YOU'RE IN AN AWKWARD CONVERSATION

WITH A SERIAL KILLER.

HERE'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE TO GO.

I CAN TELL YOU WHERE NOT TO GO.

WHEREVER THEY FILM THE FIRST 48 ON A&E.

OH, IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE SHOW, HERE'S WHAT IT IS.

CAMERA CREWS FOLLOW REAL HOMICIDE DETECTIVES

FOR THE FIRST 48 HOURS AFTER A MURDER.

AND THE REASON THAT THAT TIME DISTINCTION IS SO IMPORTANT,

IS THAT AFTER 48 HOURS, UH,

THEY GIVE UP ON THAT MURDER.

THEY'RE LIKE, "THAT'S SOME OLD SHIT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW ABOUT YOU KEEP TRYING"

"TO SOLVE THAT MURDER, MAN?

"THAT SHIT HAPPENED ON MONDAY. IT'S WEDNESDAY.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SOLVE THAT SHIT."

REALLY?

THERE ARE SO MANY AMAZING MOMENTS ON THAT SHOW... SO MANY.

A LOT OF THE EPISODES TAKE A SIMILAR PATH.

I'M BLOWN AWAY, FIRST OF ALL,

AT HOW MANY TIMES THERE'S A WITNESS TO A MURDER.

IT'S CRAZY.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT MURDERS HAPPENED IN DARK ALLEYS,

NOBODY SAW SHIT.

NO. EVERY OTHER EPISODE,

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU SEE THAT SHIT?"

AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "I SAW THAT SHIT. YEAH."

"WHERE?" "RIGHT FUCKING HERE."

"REALLY?"

"I WAS STANDING HERE,

AND THEN HE KILLED THAT DUDE THERE."

"WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"HE WAS, LIKE, 5'2" TO 6'8", SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

"THAT'S THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION YOU'RE GONNA GIVE US?"

"UH-HUH."

"ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HIM?"

"YEAH, HE HAD EARS TOO."

"THANKS, MAN."

"NO PROBLEM."

THEY STILL WILL SKETCH THAT SHIT OUT.

AND THEY SHOW IT TO PEOPLE.

"DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?"

AND EVERYONE'S LIKE, "NAH."

BUT THEN ONE GUY'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH!

THAT'S CRICKET RIGHT THERE."

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

YOU KNOW HIM?"

"I BEEN KNOWIN' CRICKET 27 YEARS."

"WHAT'S HIS REAL NAME?"

"MAN, THAT'S JUST CRICKET.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW."

STOP BEING WHITE AND WEIRD.

THAT'S A PERFECT FUCKING IMPRESSION,

AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO THAT WAS, OKAY?

YEAH, IT'S A BLACK GUY AND HE'S WEARING A WIFE BEATER,

AND HE'S GOT ON A DIRTY HAT AND HE'S GOT A CIGARETTE

HANGING OUT OF HIS MOUTH, AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT 33,

BUT YOU FIND OUT HE'S 76 YEARS OLD.

AND HE SPEAKS SUPER AGGRESSIVELY TO THE COPS.

LIKE, "I BEEN OUT HERE FOR A MINUTE!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT."

"JESUS CHRIST.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM?"

"HE CAME THROUGH WITH JELLYFISH LAST WEEK.

THEY WERE LOOKIN' FOR SOME SMOKE!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT. JESUS CHRIST."

THEY ALWAYS CUT TO THE WHITEST DETECTIVE FROM THAT GUY TOO.

THEY CUT FROM THAT GUY TO A GUY WHO'S LIKE,

"I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA HELP US OUT.