Modern Family

Oh! Not so bad.

Better than it looks on the outside.

Oh, drop the cool girl act, it's perfect!

So, it turns out our house has mold --

Which is not a reflection on this excellent homemaker.

Anyway, we have to vacate the house

while it's being treated.

I got us the last room at a hotel nearby.

I was a little concerned about the five of us

sharing a room, but for one night,

I don't know, could be fun.

- Watch it! - Look out!

Haley, I need the Wi-Fi corner. Get down.

Ugh, I need Instagram

to know there's still beauty in the world!

Luke, you'll set off the dogs!

Look what I got from the vending machine

in the lobby -- a Charleston chew.

Remember these?

Can someone please tell the Nigerian family

to shut their dogs up?!

Check it out! According to this wrapper,

we can win tickets to the 2005 All-Star game!

I think I'm most excited about the night.

- It's gonna be like camping. - Yeah.

Okay, does anybody else need to use the bathroom?

No.

Great. Oh, finally.

I forgot my night guard.

Sorry, mom.

What am I thinking? This isn't my book.

- Great -- - Now that we talked about it,

I need to use the bathroom again.

What is the point of a last call...

Coming through!

...if you guys are just gonna do whatever -

someone else sleep in the tub tonight. Like Haley.

Okay, now that we're all here, can we just --

No!

It's that stupid train.

It's gonna wake up those stupid dogs.

They're gonna start their stupid barking and --

they didn't hear it.

Quiet, everybody. No "good nights."

Son of a gun. Ray Chapman just died.

I know!

He used to give me the best bonings.

You're thinking of our butcher -- Ray Eastman.

I hope.

No, Chapman was a Navy buddy.

I always meant to write to him.

Oh, Jay, that's so sad.

I hated his guts.

It's like they say -- you cannot put these things off.

Thanks God Manny's here.

I always get so nervous

when he goes out with that older boy, Sam.

I guess I could try texting the widow.

They always stay in the driveway like that.

What are they doing?

Jay, go look.

Gloria, can't you do it?

No, I can't do it because you know

that he always say that I am nosey.

And Manny's been acting very suspicious lately

I think that that older boy's a bad influence on him.

Can you see?

Looks like he's driving a Mustang.

Pretty sweet one, too.

- What the hell? - What?

They're kissing.

Sam's a girl.

That gets the bigger reaction?

Manny has a girlfriend, and he has not told me?

Here he comes,

and let's not ambush him with a bunch of questions.

- No. - He's probably gonna want to play this pretty cool.

Oh, hey, guys.

Well, heading up.

No, wait!

How was your night?

Oh, you know, just teens being teens.

Anyway, big game tomorrow. Night.

Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.

I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

You've been sawing

at that chicken fried steak for 10 minutes.

Just order something else.

Mitchell, it's game day.

I can't. It's my lucky meal.

Oh, God. Here we go.

Well, that's attractive.

You look like a puppy with a slipper.

Under my leadership, the varsity football team

is now 5-0 -- new school record, very exciting.

Cam, I can smell your hat from over here.

Can I please just pop it in the laundry?

And wash the luck off? I've worn it to every game.

See, he knows nothing about sports.

That's why I've given him a pass.

He doesn't have to go to games.

Although -- I-I do -- I hear it's fun.

Three hours on a splintery plank

with parents squealing with delight

as their children maim each other.

He'd know if he came. The seats are aluminum now.

Okay.

Some pie on the house, Coach.

Oh, and that couple over there picked up your tab.

Oh! Thank you.

At least I'm getting some perks out of all this craziness

and -- nope, they just covered your part.

Lot of pool out there.

How about some Marco Polo?

Nah.

Just like the old days, huh?

No.

Not it!

- Dad! - Really!

Bunch of complainers out here, huh?

Honey, I'm gonna go for a run,

- and then maybe after we go for a swim. - Okay.

What's that?

It's a body spray called sex grenade.

One of the divorced dads in the hotel recommended it.

That smell is driving me crazy.

Then it's working.

What the hell? It's stuck.

No!

Get away from us!

There's nowhere else to go!

I can't breathe!

Open the door!

There's an actual maid service at this hotel?!

Dad, no!

It's empty.

We're okay, guys.

I'm gonna toss this.

When something like that happens,

it makes you think, huh?

- Luke! - Seriously?!

Claire?

Nope.

I mean, what am I doing?

I am totally at the wrong room.

- Are you? - I'm sorry, Phil.

It's not what it looks like.

Rumpled bed, wine...

...bra.

I knew it!

You've been sleeping by yourself.

How could you?

I am so sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore,

and I needed a place where -- what is that smell?

Betrayal.

Family meeting in the living room.

- Aren't we already in -- - In the living room!

There's no easy way to say this.

Your mother's leaving us.

She's found another room that makes her happy.

I don't understand.

It's not your fault.

Okay, look, I needed a little space,

and there was a room that opened up down the hall --

then one thing led to another.

Spare us, Claire.

So, wait. Mom's staying in that other room?

You can visit her on the weekends.

Aren't we here for just one more day?

I knew you'd be the one to lash out.

If mom is staying in an empty room,

why can't some of us stay with her?

You happy, Claire?

You're breaking up the family.

No, guys, your father is right.

This is my fault.

I should go back to my room

and just think about what I've done.

Come on. We hate it here.

I cannot look at that red hair

in the shower drain one more second.

Look around here, people. None of us have red hair.

Okay, one of you has to go with your mom,

so we'll do this the democratic way.

Whoever pulls the short crust --

- Come on, dad. - No, I don't want to do that.

Fine!

You all want to go, then go.

Turn your back on your father,

- just spare me the empty apologies and the crocodile... - Okay.

- Finally. - ...tears.

I call "no bathtub."

Another good-luck gift basket, daddy.

Oh, they just let 7-year-olds sign for these. Okay.

How nice!

Let's see what we've got here.

Eggplant jelly?

What do they send if they don't like you?

"Go, Coach, go Dolphins!"

I don't know. It seems a little "go" heavy.