2 Broke Girls

Earl, I noticed you're still alive.

What's your secret?

Well, it's my positive attitude,

a little bit of genetics,

and knowing how to take care of your body.

I use jojoba.

What is that, like a lotion?

No, it's a ho named Hoba.

She comes over once a week.

Max, you just got box delivered at home.

I don't want another box.

I got my hands full with this one.

I used to have so many packages delivered to my house,

my dad had to buy Fedex just to save money.

I remember a time before mail.

You just didn't get stuff.

Nope. I don't want that.

It's a delivery from my mother.

The last thing she delivered was me,

and I'm still cleaning up that mess.

Aren't you at least curious what she sent?

Unless it's a brand new childhood,

I'm not interested.

Here, Earl, hold Max's box.

But she's like a daughter to me.

Look, Caroline, I brought in my fish tank,

which Max has been calling my olympic-size swimming pool.

See, Han? The world's different above sea-level.

Now, come over here and say hello.

I'm saying hello to fish now?

That's where I'm at?

You too, Max.

I want my diner family to meet my fish family.

I got an aunt that drinks like a fish.

Maybe she's in there.

Oh, no, she's in jail for vehicular manslaughter.

Please enjoy my ecosystem of love.

Never tap on the glass!

Just look at that meaty paw of yours.

It's like an earthquake to them.

Oh, there's my prize.

The royal blue tang fish.

$500.

Han, I'm not surprised you have to pay for blue tang,

but $500 seems high.

Hey Han, Ho Hoba'll do it for 25.

Well, I hope your fish will be very happy here.

I mean, no one else is, but who knows.

Let's go, Max.

Did Oleg take Liam Neeson's daughter?

I'm breaking up with all my ladies

so I can start up again with Sophie.

And Oksana's not taking it lying down,

or bent over like she usually is.

Well, I'm sorry I never got to meet her.

Just tell her that you and Sophie have decided to be...

What's the ukrainian word for "monogamy"?

There isn't one.

You're either ugly or you're sleeping with everyone.

Uh-uh. No way.

Leave it out here.

Let the bomb-squad figure it out.

Don't you wanna know what she sent you?

Maybe there's money in there.

So you're just gonna leave it out in the hall

like a room service tray?

Oh, my God, I used to have room service.

Oh, my God, I used to have a room.

Well, I don't want it in the apartment.

This is a place of positive energy and good vibes.

I'm sending it back to her tomorrow.

I will go to my shallow, unmarked grave

not knowing what's in that box.

Hey, Max, you got a box out here,

and there's a bear in it!

Oh, my God.

She kept that?

How did my mom ever keep that?

She can't even keep her teeth.

That's what was in the box?

A Teddy Ruxpin doll?

Not a doll and not his name.

I had it legally changed to T-Rux.

I used the same lawyer my mom hired

to declare me Native American so she didn't have to pay

for parking at the casino.

For six months, I had to answer the phone,

Max proudfoot.

You know, in Poland, we didn't have dolls.

Yeah, we just hired little gypsy kids

and we carried them around.

Yeah, mine was called Gurgio.

Yeah, and I think, uh, he had a little bit of polio.

Hey, didn't those things talk?

They did if you had four C batteries.

Wait, I think I have some.

Yup, they came with this adorable teddy bear

singing cassette, so of course,

I smashed that with a rock and made my own.

Yeah, my Gurgio didn't talk.

I'm not sure he had a tongue.

But he used to squeeze me really tight.

And then I found out later, he was 35.

You had four C batteries in your nightstand?

From what?

Do you wanna hear the bear talk or don't you?

Oh, I'm sorry, girls.

I gotta take this.

It's another guy that I'm breaking it off with.

I sure hope Oleg's worth it.

I just dumped a guy with multiple personalities.

Yeah, and he took it okay,

and not great,

and pretty bad.

There's no note or anything.

This box is really just a well of disappointment.

Why would your mother send you this?

Why would she do anything?

Why would she bite our dog?

Why would she make out with our Jack O'lantern?

I don't know.

Well, Max, she did send you your favorite toy

after all these years.

Maybe she's trying to make amends.

Oh, make amends?

She couldn't even make me a sandwich.

Okay, you ready?

I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, my God. Max, is that you?

Is that your little Max voice?

Careful, I'm about to open up a can of whoop ass.

It is you! How old were you there?

Ten. "Whoop ass" was kind of my thing.

Still is.

I mean, I guess I always knew you were a little kid once,

but I couldn't picture it till I heard that.

Like I couldn't picture me eating fruit

from an Exxon station till I did that.

So, are you two ready to order?

Oh, yeah. I'll have the turkey club with fries.

This is why you're single, Rita.

I'm not single. I'm married to your father.

I love you, but stop pushing your lifestyle in my face.

I'll have the salad. Dressing on the side.

Obvs.

Obvs, obvs.

Well, I'm sending T-Rux back to my mother.

He's going right into this empty box

I found in Han's office.

And Max, before you send it back,

I'm gonna need those batteries.

Oh, don't worry, I have no desire to see you

hugging the milkshake machine.

Oh... my... God!

Is that a Teddy Ruxpin doll?

Rita, I want that!

Your birthday just passed, Elliot.

But my coming out party is coming up.

What is that, like a queen-ceanera?

So bitchy. Love her.

A vintage Teddy Ruxpin is worth like, $500,

and my mom works, so she has to buy my love.

One more word, and I'm taking away spa day.

That's harsh, honey.

He's obsessed with the '90s.

But you weren't even born.

I know. I blame her.

She couldn't find a man till late in life.

There go the pedicures.

There go my sandals.

As much as I love watching Will and Grace,

this guy's not for sale.

I'm sending him back to my mother's place,

which, according to the Rhode Island Parole Office,

is a cardboard shanty town outside of big lots.

Well, here's my card.

And let's face it, you look like you could use $500.

So bitchy. Love him!

I was just offered $500 for T-Rux

from Baby Anderson Cooper.

He has cards?

I'm jealous of a nine-year-old?

That's where I'm at?

Hey, as much as I would like that $500,

my mother doesn't get to think this bear

gets to make up for my childhood.

She doesn't get off that easy.

Trust me, we shared a pullout couch for nine months.

Girls, can I see you over here?

I can't believe we have to talk to the fish again.

I can't believe Max hasn't put Han in the tank yet.

Max, Caroline, every night from now on,

I need you to move the skimmer along the top of the water

and take out the floating matter.

Han, you know I'm off diner poop patrol for life

after I had to clean the booth where the senior left...

Well, we'll just call it an elderberry.

Well, Caroline, Max said no, so you have to do it.

Han, you're kind of a baller around your fish.

All right, I'm gonna do this fast.