The Simpsons

-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)

-(sucking) -(register beeping)

-Aah! -(tires screech)

Hey, what-- What? What the-- Who the-- (groans)

Dad, the next time we see you

we'll do something more fun.

Oh, what could be more fun

than today's trip to the liquor store?

Thanks for the beef jerky.

Say good-bye to Grampa, everyone.

Bye. -Good-b--

You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage

where the bottom's all wet.

Nu-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.

Stop it! Both of you.

Grampa smells like a regular old man

which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

Homer, that's terrible.

We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly.

You know, we'll be old someday.

My God! You're right, Marge!

You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my Dad, would you?

-Well... -(screams)

Marge, what do we do?

Well, I think we better set an example.

Absolutely. Our third Sunday of every month

should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Where's someplace fun we can take Grampa next time?

-To the pony ride. -No.

-Yeah! -Boring.

-He can't sit on ponies. -Well, I always enjoy the glass blower

-at old Springfield town. -Aw, he saw that.

Big yawner.

The Museum of Barnyard Oddities.

-No, Bart, no. -Bart, gross.

Gosh. -I got it.

The Springfield Mystery Spot.

Dad, it's just a dumb mud puddle.

Discount Lion Safari!

Hey! These aren't my pills.

Now, now, Mr. Simmons, don't make me call Nurse Bronski.

That's Simpson, damn it,

and these aren't my pills!

Excuse me, nurse. My name is Simmons,

and I think I have the wrong pills.

I get two red ones for my back spasms,

a yellow one for my arrhythmia,

and two of the bluest eyes

I've ever seen in my life.

Then these must be...

And I have your...

-They must have... -They must have...

Look at us. We're staring at each other

like a couple of stupid, punk teenagers.

Oh, I wasn't staring.

It's, uh, my lazy eye.

I'm Beatrice Simmons, but my friends call me Bea.

Well, I'm Abraham J. Simpson.

Care to tip the wrist with me?

Oh, I would be delighted.

So, um--

...tell me about yourself.

Eh, widower, one son, one working kidney. And you?

Widowed, bad hip, and liver disorder.

You left something out.

Ravishing.

Mmm!

Ohh!

Mmm, num-num-num-num num-num-num-num.

Num-num-num-num.

Mmm!

And what are you doing tonight?

Sitting alone in my room.

Oh, well, if you've got plans already--

No. What were you going to say?

-Oh, nothing. -Oh, Abe.

You were going to say something.

Well, I was wondering if you and I,

you know, might go to the same place at the same time, and--

Jeez, you think this would get easier with time!

I'd love to.

Okay.

Now where's that pomade?

Ah! "You'll never fly solo again." Ooh!

Ah, damn, out of pomade.

Oh, well.

Ooh, hello, young lady.

-Is your grandmother home? -(chuckles)

Oh, Abe, I can tell I better keep my good eye on you.

Damn straight.

Herman, a very special lady is having her birthday tomorrow.

Ah, The battleship "New Jersey."

No, you idiot! My girlfriend Bea.

And since this is the only store I know--

Oh, Grampa, nothing says "I love you" better

than a military antique.

Let's take a look at the bayonet case, huh?

Hey, what's that?

That, my friend, was Napoleon's hat.

It doesn't look like Napoleon's hat.

Well, it's not the famous hat.

It's the one he wore for a week in April, 1796

just before he defeated the Sardinians.

Ooh, how much?

-$400. -I'll give you five bucks.

That's not the kind of offer you should make to a man

with a Gatling gun under the counter.

Why don't you try Grandma's World?

Yo, active wear. I need a price check on a wool shawl.

Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month.

You know what that means.

-Go away! -Oh, come on, Dad.

I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions!

I can't go. It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday.

Oh, you have a girlfriend.

Well, happy birthday, Bea.

She can come with us.

Hey, there's room for all your friends in the car.

No! She's not invisible, you idiot!

See? It's her birthday tonight.

Yeah, right.

Hey! You kids, stop kicking the seat.

I'm kicking the seat.

Dad, don't you want to know where we're going?

-No. Discount Lion Safari!

Damn these child-proof doors.

-Hello. -That will be 18.50, partner.

"Do not feed animals."

"Do not allow animals in the car."

"Do not make eye contact with animals."

Are we in Africa yet?

Did anybody notice this place sucks?

It seems that most of the animals are sleeping.

Well, let them sleep on their own time.

Homer, are you sure this is the right way?

The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy.

-(screams) -(roars)

What a wingding. This is much better

than my girlfriend's birthday party.

-Homer -Bart, get out and push.

Yeah, Bart. Get out and push.

No way, Jose.

Okay, we've seen the lions.

Can we go now?

Oh, Bea!

Mr. Simpson, I presume.

Out of my way. I got a date with an angel.

You don't know how right you are, Abe.

-What? -I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this,

but... Bea passed away last night.

Oh, no.

It was her ticker.

The doc said her left ventricle burst.

Oh, no, Jasper.

They may say she died of a burst ventricle,

but I know she died of a broken heart.

I can tell she really cared for me.

She didn't make me a pallbearer.

I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.

Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.

Oh, no, Dad's lost his hearing!

No, you idiot, I'm ignoring you!

You made me miss the last precious moments

of Bea's life.

I'll never speak to you again!

I have no son!

Oh, Bea.

Oh...

Hmm.

It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson?

Ahh! Who the hell are you?

Lionel Hutts, Attorney at Law.

I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate.

Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman,

and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you.

-Really? -There is one catch.

You must spend one night in a haunted house.

-(gasps) -Just kidding, just kidding.