The Ugly Truth

Are you alert?

Okay, well tell them...

No.

I'll be there in about 15 minutes, so stop arguing.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

- Morning, Freddy. - Morning, Abby.

- You look awfully pretty today. - Oh, is it that bad in there?

- Good morning. We got problems. - Morning.

There are no problems, Joy, only solutions.

The traffic camera is down and we have no B-roll for our traffic segment.

- That is a problem. - Yeah.

Call Matt at Media Lab. He's got some Skycams.

- Where are all my Weathermen? - Right here.

- Hey. - Hello.

Thank you all for coming. You guys look great.

Thanks for being here. Good.

Is there a reason they're all overweight?

If they get the forecast wrong...

...research shows people are more willing to forgive a fat guy.

I hate to do this. I don't think I can work with her.

It's bad enough I have to take her criticism at home.

- A man can only endure so much. - Larry, you are not a man...

...you are a newsman.

Newsmen are not defined by the easy times...

...they're defined by the hard times.

Can you imagine Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw...

...working with their wives as co-anchors? No.

Because they couldn't handle it.

But you. You, my friend, have balls the size of Volkswagens.

- Don't think I haven't noticed. - I only thought of them as blue of late.

But you're right. They're quite sizeable.

But not disproportionately so. I think of them as aesthetically pleasing.

Yeah, I think I made my point.

Are you kidding me right now? Nobody in Sacramento...

...gives a crap about the extinction rate of the Brazilian slug worm.

Knowing which celebutante is in rehab is of vital importance?

- Your voice makes my hair-- - Okay. He is trying to kill me.

- He knows I can't eat crab. - It's Crab Rangoon.

- Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon? - Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?

- Is that a hive? - No, looks like syphilis to me.

You wouldn't even know what syphilis looks like if it weren't for my story.

- Stand by to go to three. - Yeah, so some--

Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic. Exactly.

- Yeah. Put the mushrooms in. - All right.

And whatever amount of garlic you want.

- Really? - You can't have enough garlic.

- Oh, you can. - I certainly can.

- Do it every night. - I got a nice, big spoon for you.

- Oh, excellent. Thank you. - Here you go.

- That good? - I have to say, Rocco...

...this is the best chicken cacciatore I've ever tasted.

I knew you'd like it. It's duck cacciatore, actually.

- Oh, no. - Did he just say "duck"?

And it's a great alternative to chicken.

It kind of tastes just like chicken, right?

Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?

- Get ready to roll to break. - Yeah.

- Whoa, duck. - Yeah.

Man, we're a chicken household.

- We are. - Tell Larry to throw it to Javier...

- ...while she pulls it together. - Or is it okay?

- It's good. - Javier, do you like it?

Can I take home the leftovers?

- You sure you don't want any leftovers? - When we return...

...our live Skycam traffic update. - Okay.

And guess who's in rehab this week.

- Stand by to roll break. - Also, how you can adopt...

...your very own slug worm, when we come back.

- Roll your break. - How about salt? Salt make it better?

I don't know how you do it.

It's just a matter of looking chaos right in the eye and telling it to eff off.

You guys did great. Thank you.

I think it's time for a new chef on this show. I do.

Now, come on. Rocco's been with us-

- Abby? - It's this upsetting?

Hey, Stuart wants to see you. He's freaking out.

Oh, he got the ratings.

- Want some? - Yeah, give me that.

Have you seen the ratings from yesterday?

We got beat by all the network shows, including a rerun of Who's the Boss?

The one where the vacuum breaks.

It's just a temporary setback. Things will be better tomorrow.

You know that guy with the cable-access show...

...on Channel 83 does better.

If we programme Jerry Springer reruns...

...we'd do a nine-share at a quarter of the price.

Please don't tell me you're thinking of killing the show.

We're not a family-run station anymore, Abby.

I mean, I love you. You're great at what you do.

But you gotta get me some numbers.

I got two daughters in college and a son in beauty school.

I don't know how much you know about Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.

I can rally. I will rally.

You do rally. Every day, Abby.

But that's what worries me.

That even you won't be enough.

I should not be letting corporate management...

...dictate the content of this show. It's my show.

I control it. I should skip the date tonight.

Stay home, think up some ideas for sweeps.

Absolutely not, Abby.

You should be out there observing humanity.

- Humanity is who watches our show. - Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.

You have rescheduled on this guy three times.

You cancel on him tonight and he's gone.

Look at this bone structure.

This could be the bone structure of your future children.

- Don't you want them to be symmetrical? - You printed his profile?

What? Yes. These have not been touched in some time.

I have to live vicariously through your life.

I really think that this could be our next boyfriend.

- Hi. - Hello.

I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown hair, athletic build, blue eyes.

He's 5'9". Which I know you're thinking is short...

...but he's read The Great Gatsby-- - Well, technically 5'8" and a half...

...but I could read The Great Gatsby again if it makes it any better.

Hi. Can I get some water for the table?

Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?

- Sure. - Thank you.

Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you know they've done studies that show...

...tap water and bottled water are the same thing.

They passed a law where restaurants have to filter their tap water...

...so it's filtered water, which is the same as bottled water...

...except you don't have to pay 7 dollars for it.

I like the way it tastes better. Can I get a Scotch on the rocks too?

- Thank you. - Oh, yeah.

I thought...

I thought in your profile it said you-- You like to drink red wine.

- You printed out my profile? - My associate producer did.

She doesn't like me to not be prepared. Not that I'm ever not prepared.

Kudos, by the way, on your comprehensive car insurance plan.

- That wasn't in my profile. - No, but it's in your background check.

So tell me about yourself.

Well, what's left to talk about that you don't already know?

Good point.

All right, well, you know...

...l actually took the liberty of printing out some talking points...

...in case this happened.

But you have nine out of 10 of the necessary attributes on my checklist.

Oh, dear God. Okay.

Oh, this is a good one. Let's start with three, okay?

Don't ask.

More on this when we come back. We'll hear from a zoo official forced to take--

And we 're back with The Ugly Truth, where we're gonna be talking about...

...what it is men and women really want in relationships.

I've been looking through some books. Smart Women, Foolish Choices.

Men Who Love Women Who Hate Them.

And Women Hating Men Who Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men.

Billions and billions wasted on psychobabble bullshit.

Now, listen up, ladies, because I'm only gonna say this once...

...and it is just three little words:

Men are simple.

We cannot be trained.

All this, "men are from Venus" crap is a waste of your time and money.

You wanna be a lonely hag, then that's fine, keep reading these stupid books.

But you want a relationship, then here's how you get one:

It's called a Stairmaster.

Get on it, and get skinny...

...and get some trashy lingerie while you're at it...

...because at the end of the day, all we're interested in is looks.

And no one falls in love with your personality at first sight.

We fall in love with your tits and your ass...

...and we stick around because of what you're willing to do with them.

So you wanna win a man over, you don't need 10 steps...

...you need one, and it's called a blowjob.

And don't forget to...

Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.

How dare you burn those books.

They've helped my personal life more than I can say.

What's your boyfriend's name, princess?

Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.

My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.

You're on the air.

So you're saying that men are incapable of love?

Oh, did I burst your little harlequin romance bubble?

What? Come on.

The only thing you burst is your credibility.

Men are completely capable of experiencing love.

Okay, I'll bite. Go on. Who's the guy?

- What? - The guy. Mr. Wonderful.

The one who's so capable of love. Who is he? What's he like?

He's smart, he's handsome but he doesn't know it.

He's successful, but in a job that means something.

He loves red wine, picnics, classical music.

This is a guy in America, right?

I mean, you're not calling from Europe or something?

He loves dogs, but he's more of a cat person.

He never gets up before you on a Sunday morning.

Wait a second, I get it.

You're a lesbian.

- What? - Well, you must be.

I mean, you just described the perfect woman.

Why are you so threatened by these qualities?

Is it perhaps because you don't possess a single one of them...

...and that is the real reason why women aren't interested in you?

Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks of my own money...

...to go get this guy and bring him down here and let me meet him.

Well, he's out there, somewhere.

Wait a second.

You're not even dating this guy?