You're the Worst

- How you feeling? - Good.

You sure you're okay he's coming?

I'm not angry anymore.

I think it might even be good to see him.

Good.

What's your end-of-life plan?

Easy, toss me off something.

Huh?

I want to know how it feels to fly.

- Oh... - Ooh. Or sex murder me.

Yeah, scratch that. Sex murder me for sure.

I'll be on Nancy Grace 24/7, a nation will mourn.

Don't let Ron Howard's daughter play me in the movie.

We have beef.

I want to be cremated,

with my ashes kept for eternity in an urn on your mantel.

You may remarry, just no one sexier than me.

The one exception being Mark Ruffalo.

Fair enough.

Mm. Mm...

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

Oh, okay.

Okay, good night.

It's just that...

uh, we've-we've sort of created an expectation where we do sex

- whenever one of us wants it. - And yet, I'm still tired.

- Are you mad about the florist? - I'm fine.

- I want to make it up to you. - Don't bother.

- You can't. - How can we make it even?

Do you want to sock me in the face? I'm extra bruisey,

so you'll get to relish the effects for weeks.

There's nothing you can do about getting your dick sucked.

I could suck a dick.

To even it out.

Like those "take a penny, leave a penny" cups.

Make it a zero-blowjob sum gain for me.

Sounds fair. You do that. Suck a dick, Jimmy.

No, I'm serious.

Suck a dick. Suck a dick!

Alternately, just let me be mad.

Next, we have examples of some of our most popular fillings.

Uh, Butterscotch-Cream Cheese,

Almond Ganache, Lemon Curd, Earl Grey Medley,

Apricot Jam, Kiwi-Pistachio Buttercream.

Hey, you wouldn't think kiwi and pistachio

would go well together, and yet, they don't.

- So when's the big day? - June 9.

- Six-nine. Nice. - Sex number.

They get it. What about you?

We're already married. Shh.

We got totally caught up in the hype

and spent way too much money on our wedding.

Our ring bearer was an actual bear.

Deep-sixed our finances for years.

So we stick it to the wedding industrial complex

whenever we can. It feels so good.

Yeah. Rachel has a personality disorder.

I shoplift. I mean, I used to.

So scamming free cakes or menu tastings

really scratches the itch.

It's our third tasting of the day. Quinn is in AA.

Micro-transgressions make drinking

fucking seltzer water tolerable.

I love shoplifting.

I basically stole this whole outfit.

- And Jimmy's a total alcoholic. - Hmm?

Hey, if you guys want our help gaming the system,

we could save you a buck or two.

We have low to no morals, so we would be totally up for that.

Great.

- Hi. - Oh, hi. Yes.

Jimmy, we're gonna have couple friends.

The hardest of passes.

Couple friends, Jimmy.

All married people need couple friends.

It's a must-have. Couple friends.

Stop saying "couple friends."

We are not going to have...

Couple friends!

Thank you so much for having us over, you guys.

Oh, we love wine hangs on the patio.

We have never done this once.

Why not? You have a gorgeous view.

- We do? - Do we? Hmm.

Here is our wedding binder.

The orange tabs are the easiest places to scam.

Purple means you can get actual cash out of them.

DJs, photographers, flowers.

We may actually be in the market for a new florist. Right, Jimmy?

Venues.

- Very cool. - I'm glad we could do this.

Hey, how are you guys?

- Shh. - Oh, they can't hear us.

We're not really even here anymore. Watch.

I don't believe in the Holocaust.

- So, example... - I like that you can smoke there.

Huh. Huh. Let me try.

Um, Gretchen, you eat your butt,

and farts from your butt. Oh...

So, why'd you ask about me and Gretchen?

Oh, well, planning a wedding can be stressful.

Also, because of the little thing with the florist.

Rachel and Gretchen have been texting.

So I gather privacy goes out the window with couple friends?

Jimmy, you have no secrets anymore.

- Fantastic. - But seriously,

if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here.

Okay, Michael Messner, sociologist and proponent

of more emotional elasticity in traditional masculine roles.

I know, I know. I'm a big old softy.

AA will do that to you.

Never stop drinking, Jimmy.

It's horrible.

Man, I would love to come out here

and fly my drone over the reservoir sometime.

Oh, I have a drone, too.

Well, "had."

They really should put a "Return Home" button on the controls.

They do.

Ah. What do you know?

Mm-hmm.

So, um, what did Gretchen tell Rachel about the, uh,

you know, t-the time I let someone else fly my drone?

Was she upset about the flight?

Because she's been cagey about it.

Well, how would you feel if someone flew her drone?

So this place, these are the photographers.

- This is the whole section of photographers.

This guy is hot, he's good, he's passionate.

They're so cool.

Do you think she likes me? I think she likes me.

Why are you quiet? Does she not like me?

Goddamn it.

Of course she did. Who wouldn't like you?

So you talked to Rachel about it?

- About what? - It. The florist thing.

Yet, you won't talk to me about it.

- No. - But you talked to Rachel about it.

- We're friends. - She told Quinn.

- They're married. - And Quinn told me she told him.

Seems like you've cracked the case

of who knows what, Dr. Dolittle.

Dr. Dolittle talked to animals.

Dr. House.

You should be happy for me getting a female friend!

I get nervous just texting her because I just know

I'm gonna say something that will make her hate me.

So yes, I open up to her,

like girls are supposed to do, and it's actually working.

So you should be goddamn happy for me!

Hey.

Are you okay?

Do you need to up your medication dosage, maybe?

You got a blowjob from a vendor for our wedding.

Okay. Then let's talk about it.

No. I told you. Suck a dick, or leave me alone about it.

Okay, but really, what can I do?

I am dead serious. You're right.

That's the only way to make things even.

Put a dick in your mouth and suck on it.

Let me know when you've done that.

Hey.

- Hey, girl. - Come in.

Dope place.

Thanks. It's a flip.

Well, I am flipping for it.

Cookies!

Thanks.

Such a good idea to do solo hangs.

I know. Couple friends, solo style.

Also, I can't be around Jimmy right now.

- Still? - Ugh, I don't know. It's not his fault.

Getting his dick sucked isn't his fault?

No, that was. Totally. That was scummy.

I just mean that's not, like, all of it, you know?

Anyways, let's talk about literally anything else.

Um, rhubarb! Homemade soap! Feminist porn!

- The gig economy! - Bowling!

Costa Rica! Doughnuts!

- Alcohol? - Ladybugs!

No, I'm asking do you want some alcohol?

Oh, God, yes.

I hope we didn't force this solo hang on the boys.

You think they like each other as much as we do?

Impossible.

Why in God's name did I put it out there?

I know Gretchen. That was very foolish.

She made me taste my own ejaculate.

- Yeah, I heard about that. - Of course you did.

- You were just making a joke, right? - Yes!

Well, not a joke precisely.

I was presenting the obvious logical equivalent.

I didn't think she'd latch onto it.

Do you know she hasn't spoken to me since?

Wait, am I even supposed to tell you this?

I don't know the rules.

I'm sorry, Jimmy. This is a tough one.

You could just wait her out?

Do you know how disconcerting it is

to live with someone who will not talk to you?