Solar Opposites

Guys, guys, guys, check it out!

I got the original dartboard from Cheers on eBay.

It only cost $100,000! I'm gonna put it up.

Hey, I thought Korvo said no more throwing metal in the house

after you got that butter knife stuck in his eye.

These are famous darts!

Whatever Korvo doesn't know won't hurt him.

Watch this. Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Jesus!

Go get the voice-fixing ray.

I'm sorry, big guy. My bad!

We'll get this fixed in a jiffy!

I told you not to throw metal around here.

We're going to be late to work. Stop buggering about!

Hey, does Korvo sound a little off?

This thing must not be calibrated.

- Let me try again. - No!

No. This is working for me.

All right, chop chop, let's get a move on.

I hate being late. It makes me feel hot and weird.

- You make me feel hot and weird. - What was that?

Nothing! Coming, sweetie!

Wait, is his voice just gonna be like that from now on?

Yeah, but it sounds pretty much the same to me.

Nobody's gonna notice.

Planet Schlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa!

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

This is what my voice sounds like now.

I don't care if it's jarring. Get over it.

And that voice-changer ray has chronitons in it

so this is what I'm going to sound like in flashbacks too.

You got a problem with that, then tough shit!

It's called science!

Alright, fellow Shlorpians, this is it.

The ship is fixed for real, real.

Finally, we can leave this piece of shit planet for good.

I know I've said those exact words multiple times before,

but this time it's actually happening.

Clap. Everyone, clap.

Bravo, Korvo.

You really sacked up and dragged our sorry asses

across the finish line.

And you put up with so much BS from us along the way.

Nevertheless, you persisted.

Gotta give it up for the K man.

K Man feels you, dawg.

Yes, the last few months have been a bitch,

repairing the ship on weekends,

slogging through that boring-ass office job

to give the Pupa structure and normalcy,

but it was worth it, because he's all better now.

- Right, Pupa? - Pixar!

Mm, back to terrible language skills,

just the way I like it.

We pooled our Skee-Ball tickets and got you a little something.

It's a plain T-shirt with a deep V.

Oh! I always wanted a deep V,

but I never thought I could pull it off.

Korvo, honey, you can pull anything off.

Show us that sexy sternum, baby, oh!

- Whoa. - Ooh, that's a deep V.

Let's blow this hellhole.

Korvo, Korvo, Korvo, Korvo, Korvo, Korvo!

Korvo, Korvo!

Are you freaking kidding me?

Sorry, I must have nodded off.

Were you giving a presentation or something?

You were giving a presentation.

Shit, right. Sorry, I'll continue.

In conclusion, uh, the leaf report will be delayed indefinitely.

We commissioned a $3 million study,

and apparently the leaves are just sticking to the branches.

All these years, and I guess global warming wasn't a myth.

If we don't hit our rake quota this month,

there will have to be cutbacks.

Aw.

Sorry, yeah, just to dig in and unpack some of what you said.

Why in the fuck do we care about rakes?

Because we're a rake company.

Looks like the Solar Opposites work at a boring rake company now.

Whoa.

Jesse, Yumyulack, hurry up, you're gonna miss the bus.

Had to stay up all night

finishing my solar system diorama for class.

Goddamn science.

Good, we're trying to be normal,

and that sounds pretty damn normal if you ask me.

What the fuck are all these extra planets?

The invisible ones the humans don't know about yet.

Earth Four, Megan thee Planet, and Their-Anus.

We can't tell people about those.

They're invisible for a reason.

Make a normal solar system.

Tuna fish and carrot sticks again?

Ah, this shit nasty.

It's a normal lunch.

The only other option is acorn butter.

All the other nuts are off the table.

Screw those kids with nut allergies.

It should be survival of the fittest.

No killing your classmates.

We have to keep it basic AF for the Pupa.

Look how happy he is

with his totally normal enrichment activity.

Our miserable lives are giving him structure.

You don't want him turning back into a steam of teen angst again, do you?

Like that whole thing that was a big deal at the end of last year, remember?

- No, thank you. - No, that fucking sucked.

Then go have a normal day at school.

Stay the course.

Terry, let's go.

Sorry, I woke up with a case of the Wednesdays,

and it's only Monday.

We can't be late.

Mr. Sarner's starting to suspect I'm not in it for the rakes.

Man, Sarner is such a dick brain.

You'd be a way better boss than him.

Yeah, no duh.

That fool's lucky I'm being normal AFF,

or I'd have usurped his ass already.

Yeah, usurp that shit, Korvo.

- Whoa! - Yeah, buddy.

- Little Buddy. - Oh. Hey.

Damn, you see that?

Little Buddy and Pupa were cold AF to each other.

I'm, I'm sorry, I'm using "AF" way too much.

I kinda can't quit.

- They must've had a falling out. - AF.

Oh, maybe that little fucker will move out soon.

I sure as shit hope so.

When we met him, I thought he'd be like

this whole reoccurring thing,

but now he just feels like a remnant.

Oh.

Oh, my lord, why the fuck are you walking arm-in-arm?

Are you, like, dating?

No, she's my co-replicant.

They're totally dating, gross.

They're like Oldboy.

Na-uh, we're just using nutrient parts

in our elbows to exchange information. Look.

Ew.

You're not supposed to exchange juices with your brother.

This is totally normal.

As if. It's fucking freaky.

Elbow fuckers!

Look, everyone.

They fuck elbows.

- They fuck elbows, everybody. - Ah, man,

I didn't know we were weird.

Maybe we should stop porting in public for a while.

No, we need to stop hanging out entirely.

We're radioactive right now.

This "elbow fucker" thing's got legs. I can tell.

It does have a ring to it.

But we could still hang out, right?

Yum?

Ah geez.

Reset my email password again?

No, I'm not doing it.

Nobody's going to guess

"National dash Lampoons dash VanPassword69."

Janice is driving me crazy.

She's told me the same joke every day for two weeks.

Ugh, it's like one of those long, elaborate non-joke jokes,

like the humor of Maria Bamford.

And it always ends with her crying about her husband

getting hit by a car a year ago.

Terry, I don't think that's a joke.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm sick of forcing out a fake laugh every time she cradles a wedding photo.

It's uncomfortable. It's not even funny.

Let's take a walk to the Coffee Bean and get you a flat black.

That always calms you down.

Enough with the bits, Janice!

You're not Maria Bamford!

Jesse, you want us to break you off a piece

of this acorn butter cracker that we're all sharing?

Sure, I'll take a shard.

Hey, thanks for letting me sit with you.

We heard you stopped hanging out with your little brother.

Betraying family is, like, mega cool.

That was weird when you guys used to jizz into each other's elbows.

Well, Yumyulack and I don't do that anymore,

or talk or think about each other every second of the day.

That's for sure.

There's nothing better than fucking with your little brother.

Oh, okay.