The Nanny

Maggie!

Tilt your head.

Can I vacuum in there yet?

You know, I think there's more than enough suction going on in that room.

Why don't you give them some privacy?

Niles, I'm performing a very important function

I'm watching out for her father.

Yeah. The minute Mr. Sheffield comes walking through that front door

I'll just shift right into my nanny schtik

"Maggie, you're too young, yada, yada."

Wow! Would you look at the way she tilts her head?

You know, I taught her that.

Gee, Niles, that "Abdominizer" I bought you is really paying off

Not that your body could ever compare with Mr. Sheffield's.

He's so handsome and young.

What are we ever gonna do with that girl?

She's completely out of control.

Maybe I should hire another nanny to watch her

Well, you know, that would really free me up a lot to..

Miss Fine!

Look, I'm very concerned about Margaret.

She has three weeks of winter vacation coming up

and I don't want her spending the entire time on that couch

kissing some boy.

Oh, why don't you do what my father did

when I entered my make-out years?

Huh? -He walked into the denand...

he spliced into the neighbor's cable.

And?

I don't know. We haven't seen him since.

Miss Fine!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, she's going to be 17.

I mean, all she's doing is kissing.

It's not as if she's running out of the house..

to meet some wild drifter who's picking her up on a motorcycle

Got to go. That's my date.

She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queen

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

in one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go

She was out on her fanny

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's doo

She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw mor

She had style! She had flair! She was there

That's how she became the nanny!

Who would have guessed that the girl we've describe

was just exactly what the doctor prescribed

Now the father finds her beguiling

Watch out, C.C.!

And the kids are actually smiling

Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing ta

The flashy girl from Flushing The nanny named Fran!

If you still haven't made any plans for your Christmas vacation

you're welcome to join me and Daddy.

Oh, well, uh, you know, Mom,

as tempting as a bus tour of Florida dinner theaters sounds

I don't think I could stand the thrill

of seeing the Ropers do "Love Letters".

Oh, JJ Walker's gonna be in Six Degrees of Separation

It's not too late to change your mind.

The review says it's dynamite.

Oh, Niles. -Huh?

It's so hard planning a vacation when you're a single

Yes. It's so much nicer when you have a family..

so you can lug their ski equipment around Vail

Sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy.

"Niles, bring me a comforter. Niles, go out in that blizzard for a pizza!

Niles. -What...

is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you

There you are, sir. Much better, sir.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Miss Fine. Miss Fine, I've... I've made a decision.

Yeah? -Yeah, I simply can't risk Margaret...

spending her whole winter vacation with that boy

So I'm sending her abroad.

Abroad? You want her swinging that way?

Miss Fine, I'm serious.

I'm sending her away for three weeks.

You're sending her away from her family on the holidays?

Uh-huh. She's going to Switzerland.

Just her and her nanny?

Alone.

I'm sending her to a convent...

where she can learn French, Arts, and European History.

Wow-wee! That sounds more boring than I can even fathom

And I'm actually considering sitting through a bunch of bad plays

where the only dialog I'm gonna hear...

...is the audience going, "What'd he say?

I don't care how much Margaret protests.

I'm her father, and what I say goes.

So talk her into it, would you? -Me? -Yeah

And try to phrase it carefully. I don't want to come off like an ogre

Oh, don't worry. You're not gonna be an ogre.

I'll protect you.

Well, the ogre saw you sucking face with Eric

Now he wants to send you to a nunnery in the Swiss Alps

A convent?

What am I supposed to do there?

Learn French.

I guess he didn't see what I saw.

Oh, honey, a convent might not be that bad.

I got two words for you. "Sound of Music"

I mean, in two hours, Maria managed to ditch the nuns,

marry a gorgeous captain, sell the movie rights

and never have to schlep up another mountain again

Oh, come on, Fran, would you go if you were me?

Honey, you know, going away by yourself could be a great thing

When I was your age, I spent an entire summer on a kibbutz in Israel

and I had the time of my life.

A kibbutz? Is that like one of those communes in the '60s

Well, sort of.

Except the only thing we smoked was fish

Oh, yeah. But if I go, Eric will meet another girl.

Oh, no, he won't. You just tell him that if he cheats on you

you're gonna know just by looking at him

-Who'd be stupid enough to believe that? -Guys

Well, I propose we shut up the office on the 15th

No one important is ever around for the holidays

You staying in town again, C.C.?

No. This year I'm getting as far away from this place as possible.

Oh, Santa got my letter.

What about you, Niles? What are your plans?

Aren't we going to Vail?

No, old man. This year you're on your own

I am?

Yes. Why don't you take a nice vacation just for yourself?

Oh, please, the lost Marx brother, Cheapo

Are you suggesting I'm frugal?

Well, you have to admit, old man, I... I know what I pay you,

and you're not spending it on your wardrobe, eh

Oh, come on, Niles, you never break a buck.

You live in Maxwell's house, you eat his food

Nanny Fine got you that Flowbee

so you could cut your own hair.

Where do you stash your cash?

Somewhere you'll never get near.

Oh. Your mattress.

No.

His.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Sheffield.

Maggie's going to a convent

so your round, young virgin will stay that way

Miss Fine, I don't know how to thank you

Oh, you'll think of something.

Fifth floor at Saks, Ralph Lauren leather goods.

Ask for Sadie. I put it on hold.

Oh, Daddy, I am so excited about my trip

And I owe it all to Fran.

Oh, stop.

No. I mean, I was against it at first,

but then she really talked me into it.

Stop.

-I can't wait to go on a kibbutz in Israel. -Stop

What the devil is all this about a kibbutz?

Oh, honey, I think you misunderstood our little conversation

No. No. I remember. You said that dad was an ogre and..

No! No! No! No!

I said okra.

Okra was what we planted on the kibbutz.

That must have been where you got your wires crossed

Well, whatever.

Anyways, I've got to go kiss Eric goodbye

Oh, Fran, you were so right.

When you tilt your head_

Honey, honey, look,

if you're going on a kibbutz,

start letting the hair on your legs grow out

You know, it's amazing. Every time I ask you to do something

you always manage to screw it all up!

And yet, you continue to ask me.

You need help, 'mister'.

There's no way on earth Margaret

Margaret is going to a kibbutz unchaperoned at her age.

Why? My mother let me go when I was a teenager

Oh, you must have been quite a piece of work back then.

God only knows how you managed to scam her into that one

You know, you are so wrong.

My mother and I had a very open relationship

So, Val, here's the scam that we tell my mother.

The kibbutz is completely chaperoned.

There are no gorgeous, shirtless Israeli guys

And we're only there to absorb the rich and wonderful culture of our people

Got it.

Fran, why does your mother have to put the yoghurt in the freezer?

That's her new invention, frozen yoghurt

Oh, parents are so stupid.