Love Life

Our love lives can quite easily be reduced to data.

For instance,

by the time the average person ends up with the love of their life,

they will have been in seven relationships.

Of those, two are often long-term relationships,

while the rest are a mix of short-term flings,

casual dating, and one-night stands.

The average person will also fall in love two of those times

and have their heart broken twice as well.

Yet behind all of those numbers, there is always a much bigger story.

This is the story of Darby Carter.

Darby doesn't remember her parents ever being married.

They got divorced when she was four,

and she spent her childhood

being shuttled back and forth between their new houses

and new families.

Coward. Won't even come to the door.

It's fine, Mom.

This made Darby feel like a permanent hotel guest,

one who couldn't stay past twelve o'clock checkout.

Hi, Larry.

As a result, Darby's adolescence

was marked by myriad misguided attempts at connection.

You didn't have to walk me home.

Oh, but my house is just up there.

I didn't know you lived up here.

- Bye. - Bye.

Darby had no idea where she was,

and she was so nervous

that this young man would find out she'd been lying,

that she took an anxiety poo in his family's yard.

When Darby moved to New York for university,

she imagined she'd become a cosmopolitan woman.

Okay, yeah. Hi.

In reality, it was fun,

but slightly empty.

Get the curtain.

Darby started to wonder if she'd ever reach the next level,

where you're really dating someone,

where you don't change your outfit just because you're seeing the person,

where you just wear what you're wearing because you are who you are.

And then she met Augie Jeong.

Baby girl, this is the hottest you have ever looked in your entire life.

- Serious. - These are your clothes.

What's it like to be an actual goddess?

My God, I'm PMS-ing. It's been dark since 4:00 p.m.

- I'm in no mood. - And I have a UTI,

but it's Jim's birthday, so we gotta rally.

All I'm doing for his birthday is karaoke and a blow job,

so they both have to be really good.

I'd never miss Jim's birthday.

I'd make a polite appearance and then skip out early.

You are killing me.

It's gonna be his work friends talking about Occupy Wall Street.

Hey, you ladies are looking good.

- We know. - Eat shit, motherfucker.

Yeah!

I think Jim wants to fuck that Zooey Deschanel wannabe.

Shut up. He's so in love with you.

No, I know he is, but I still think he wants to fuck her.

People can love people and still fuck other people.

You done with the book?

- What? - Did you pick a song yet?

Okay, fuck this.

Um... Uh...

Sorry.

Hey, bitch. Excuse me. All right, titty boy.

- Yeah, I don't know. - No. We can look together.

Um...

I'm... I'm Augie, by the way.

- Uh, Darby. - Furby?

- Darby. - Darby.

Yeah, I know.

I've gotten Furby at Starbucks a lot.

- Right? - Yeah.

- The names I've gotten on my cups... -

Wow. Jim's girlfriend's on one, huh?

- Sara? - Yeah.

Yeah, um...

Yeah, she can't handle her liquor, but, uh, she drinks every night anyway.

Cool. So she's an alcoholic.

No! No.

I mean, she's... You know, if we were older...

- Right. - ...maybe.

- But, like, right now, she's just so fun. -

Um, I actually have a song up next,

if you wanted to duet, perhaps?

- You already picked one? - Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you.

- -

This part I know.

Happy birthday, Jim!

I know a little bit.

- New York classic. - Oh, boy.

People just say things like "New York classic."

Well, this is me.

I'm glad I got you home safe.

These mean streets.

Um... Uh...

I'm trying to think of something else to say.

Well, I should, uh...

I should, uh...

My other roommate, Mallory, literally lives in this alcove thing.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Um, yeah, so...

- I promise this isn't a move... -

...but is it cool if we hang out in my room?

Yeah.

Um, I mean, they've been divorced for 20 years or something.

So what about you?

Uh, my parents were the complete opposite.

High school sweethearts that are still in love.

That's nice.

But they're Satanists, so I guess it's not all good, right?

Balances out, you know?

Yeah, that's fair.

Are you losing on purpose?

This is so pathetic.

To be honest, I'm pretty sure you made this game up.

- I did not. - I don't know what I'm doing here.

This is a very popular game.

Who's played this game before?

I've explained this to people, and nobody has critiqued me...

- No, no, I... - ...as a teacher.

They say it's so fun.

So I don't know. You're the first...

- I do want to hear about this game. - I'm gonna tell you.

- Just... - Yes.

- Yeah, it's... - I can...

Yeah.

Ow.

- What? - You're bony.

- What? - Just, I mean... I just mean you have,

like, a surprisingly slender, fit, um, body.

- Mmm-hmm. Thank you. -

Oh, no, don't, don't. I'm sweaty, I'm sweaty.

It's okay. I like it.

- Embarrassed. - Babe, you were good. It was good.

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

Good morning, bud.

- Good morning. - Hey.

Do you have coffee here?

Uh, I could make another pot.

Oh, that's okay. I'll go out, grab some. Just gonna...

Yeah, go for it. It's communal.

- Hey, morning. - Hi.

Um...

I had a lot of fun last night.

'Cause you had a good time.

- It was fine for me. Whatever. Um... -

Anyway, I have to, uh...

I have to go play basketball with some buddies.

Yeah, I have to, um, knit scarves with the other Army wives.

- Cool, cool. Nice. - Yeah.

Do you want my number, or...

I'm just gonna leave it all up to chance, you know?

I think I got a $5 bill. You seen Serendipity?

That's a...

- Uh, that's a solid reference, man. -

Okay.

Bye.

- Okay, seriously. - Okay, okay.

- Like, that's enough. - I'll leave.

Okay.

All right, I'm leaving.

- See you, Jimbo. - See you at work, buddy.

- See you, Sara. - Bye.

- Um, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

What just happened? What just happened?

Excuse me.

Do I have a husband now? Is he my husband?

I don't... I just... Is that... Is that what... Is that how that works?

Yeah, well, I'm glad to see you're taking it slow.

I'm just excited.

Be happy for me.

- Jim. - Come on, Jim.

- Please. - So serious, Jim.

Please be happy for me.

- I can't think straight. - Help me, please.

- All I can do is smell these bath salts... - Morning.

- Oh, hey. - Oh. Darby.

Thank God. I need a woman to look at these.

Which font do you like for the escort cards?

- This one or this one? - Um...

The left one.

- Yes. See? - Mmm-hmm.

Told you. Whatever one you want.

Oh, God, honey, have an opinion. It is your wedding too.

Mmm...

Speaking of which, Darby, do you plan on bringing someone to the wedding?

- Not to pressure you or anything. - Um...

Yeah.

- Whoa. - Hmm.

- New boyfriend? - I don't know. Maybe.

Explains why you look like shit this morning.

Okay. All right. Let's, um... Let's leave her alone.