Arbor Day

You're doomed! Doomed!

Arbor Day.

Arbor Day...

Hmmm?

I wonder what he meant by "Arbor Day"?

Arbor Day.

I can tell you about Arbor Day.

It happened a long time ago.

In color.

It started out

just like any other day.

Honey, honey, please wait.

Whew!

Do you think we’ll find a swell place to plant our tree, Daddy?

Sure Elm.

The woods are full of great places to plant trees.

We’ll look for the best one, and we’ll plant that baby!

Gee, Arbor Day sure is neat, Dad!

Well as a botanist, I think it’s pretty neat, too.

Honey, honey... would you like me to take over?

Oh no dear. I’m feeling as strong as an ox.

Damn E-R-A.

Daddy...

What is it, Elm?

Why does mommy have so much hair on her face?

You should see her pits.

I’ll be alright, really, really I’m OK.

Alright, relax.

I’m gonna be OK. I’m gonna be alright.

I told you not to wear long sleeves

Ohhhh boy.

Deep breaths...

Alright...

I’m gonna be OK. I’m gonna be alright.

Well maybe next time you won’t fill your pockets so heavy

you didn’t need your wallet

you didn’t need your keys

and you don’t need spare change in the forest!

Hey cats, you dropped your bags.

Happy Arbor Day!

Thanks!

Wow, this must be our lucky day.

This sucks.

I gotta work on fucking Arbor Day!

I hate this fucking job.

Bingo!

Bingo.

Ah shit.

Howdy folks!

Hi Mr. Forest Ranger! Happy Arbor Day!

And a happy Arbor Day to you, too!

Say that sure is a beauty!

You know when I was your age

me and my daddy planted a tree just like that one.

You know that tree’s still standing there today.

Sometimes I go back and look at that tree...

It’s like a piece of my past.

How come you’re not planting trees today?

Well Elm,

Mr. Ranger has a very important job.

He has to make sure the forest the forest is safe

for all the campers.

Speaking of safety, you folks remember

we share this forest with our animal friends.

Respect the woods, and it’ll respect you.

Thank you Mr. Ranger, bye!

Bye bye now, and you folks have a happy Arbor Day.

Assholes.

There.

That oughta do it.

You know Elm, I think we picked a perfect location.

There’s rich topsoil, ample sunlight & plenty of water.

All the ingredients necessary for a plant to grow up healthy.

Wow! Our tree’s gonna last a hundred million, zillion years!

Ha ha ha.

Well Elm, I don’t know if it will be here that long

But it should be here for years for us to come and enjoy it.

Look Daddy, a man in a bear suit!

Look Daddy, a GRIZZLY BEAR!

Come here, lil’ fella. Cmon...

I’ve got a nice fig newton for ya.

Good boy!

Here ya go

C'mon. C'mon. That’s good.

Please Daddy I'm scared!

Relax Elmer, it’s only a little bear.

What do you think a bear is doing in this part of the woods?

He’s probably just a little hungry.

Hey you know, it is mating season

He’s probably hungry for a little love.

Honey, not in front of Elmer.

Please Daddy, please!

Ah Elm, this guy’s been around humans so long

he’s probably tame as a kitten.

Please daddy! Please, please!

Relax Elmer.

Your father wouldn't feed the bear if it wasn’t safe.

C’mon Elm, he’s probably more afraid of us then we are of him

You watch this...

ELMER! RUN!!!!!!!

No!

Please!!!

Strange case with this Jacob’s boy.

As a youth he witnessed his parents being mauled by a bear.

His father was decapitated.

And they found traces of bear semen

in his mother's mutilated body.

God! What a horrible story!

Poor child.

Yes, and to add to the tragedy

the event occurred on Arbor Day

making the holiday unbearable.

Poor kid.

Imagine...

not being able to celebrate Arbor Day.

No, no.

Oddly enough the only day of the year that his brainwaves

show any change is on Arbor Day.

The rest of the year he remains in a catatonic trance.

What the HELL is that?!?

It’s the New York Mets, Doctor.

"It’s the NY Mets, Doctor." The NY Mets.

And tell me missy,

Who are the mets playing their next home game, hmm?

The Cubs.

Who?

The Cubs, Doctor.

"The Cubs, Doctor."

The Cubs, Doctor.

The Cubs, Doctor!

And I take it you intend to remind poor Elmer

of his early childhood trauma, hmm?

Why don’t you just run up to him and say,

"Look out Elmer, there’s a bear behind you!"

Don’t you realize the mere mention of the word bear

can prolong poor Elmer’s recovery?

Now exercise your sensitivity

and change that channel!

It’s soft and luxurious

helping to create a fire danger level that is elevated

press conference with George Bush. That's better.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program

So you’re saying that the only day that Elmer's brainwaves

show any change is on Arbor Day?

Yes, yes I did say that.

Well, correct me if I’m wrong doctor but

isn't tomorrow Arbor Day?

Why yes. Yes it is.

We better prepare some type of restraint

as a protective measure.

It pains me to have to have to chain up

such a poor human being like this.

Well if you ask me

all these freaks should be chained up

just like animals

'cause that’s all they are.

They ain’t no human beings.

Mr. Briggs

I thought I told you to mop up all of C-Section.

Maybe you should attend to your job

or I'll attend to it for you.

When you’re through with that

then you may return and clean Mr. Jacob’s room.

Have it done by midnight.

Yes, sir.

Oh and Briggs

In the future I’ll thank you

to keep your uneducated comments to yourself.

You know, he hasn't been the same

since he had his neck slammed in that car door.

Well some just don’t understand

that crazy people are people too

they just need someone to look out for them

and take care of them.

It’s two o'clock, doctor.

Ooh I'm late.

Well if it isn't the freak.

Hi Freaky.

Whatcha starin' at?

Huh?

What’s the matter? Bear got your tongue?

I know all about you freaky

And I bought you a present

Yeah, a surprise.

Look here.

You like it?

Happy Ar-Bear Day Freaky

Looks like your Daddy wasn't the only one

who lost his head that day, huh, Freaky?

And I bet your momma loved when that bear...

Hey! I was only kidding!

I really didn't think your momma enjoyed it!

I swear!

Hey, I'm sorry. I’m sorry. I didn't mean it.

I swear! I’m sorry!

Hey, Elmer...

This is really taking a lot out of me.

Every year when the leaves turn green

You wanna blow off school, you wanna let off steam.

Cause you hate your job and you hate your old man