Cougar Town

- Are you really trying for morning sex? - I am.

Can I get on top so I don't have to look up your nose?

Yep, yep. Absolutely.

Mmm.

I'm sorry. My heart's not in it.

Oh, no one cares.

Except for me. I-I do.

It's just that I've sucked at my job lately.

I haven't sold a house in forever,

and today I have to show this annoying couple

the same house that I've showed them five times.

You're just in a little slump.

You know, all you need is, like, a little pump-up.

You know, like the boxers get.

And now

standing 5'6" tall,

weighing in at exactly what a woman her size should weigh

if not 2 pounds less,

the Alabama Slamma--

Jules "Sweet Corn On The" Cobb.

Whoo-hoo! You crazy, girl. You crazy.

- That's hot coffee! - Scalding!

Game on, 'Bama Slamma.

So...

did you love seeing the place... again?

- Ohh... - Ah...

- What you love about the place? - Yeah.

It's got a great layout. It's got a yard.

Oh, it's got another yard in the back.

Well, that's a double yard thing.

What about the schools, Jerry?

You know, are the-- are the schools good?

They're fine. They got sports, pregnant teens--

you know, the usual.

Can we put in a jacuzzi?

You could put in ten jacuzzis.

You could turn a whole room into a jacuzzi.

That's something to consider.

For the love of God, could you just make up your minds?

Is that dining-room wall load-bearing?

I don't know, Jer.

Knock it down and find out.

- Can we? - That'd be great.

"And then Terry The Train

said good-bye to his mommy and daddy and..."

"Set off for his adventure."

Good job.

Sweetie, I think the paperboy's here.

You want to go throw rocks at him?

Okay. Nothing bigger than a quarter.

I love watching you read to our son.

I wish Terry The Train would crash

- and burn to death in a fire. - Oh, that's sweet.

You know I love Stan, but we have a nanny

to give him all the love that I feel

but don't have the energy to express.

But Rosa just up and left for a vacation in Honduras.

Her mother died.

Like she's not gonna see friends when she's there?

Wah. I miss my mom.

Pass the salsa.

That's selfish, insensitive, and racist all at once.

The trifecta!

Yeah.

Stop being so happy.

No.

Fun and work go together like the NBA and bastard babies.

Fun and work don't go together.

If they did, they'd call it... "Furk."

Ugh. I haven't furked in so long.

I was really hoping you wouldn't make it a verb,

but then you did.

I mean, I can't even pay attention at open houses.

I just play stranger touch.

Stranger touch is a game

that we invented when we worked together.

You try to touch a stranger without getting caught.

I touched a cop on the way into work yesterday

just to feel something.

Do you need a hit of happy sauce?

Mmm.

Oh, that's cheaper than Xanax.

I'm gonna take one of these home.

You know, work is like sex.

You shouldn't be doing it

unless you really, really want to,

even if a wealthy middle-eastern man

is paying you a bunch of money.

I mean, sure, some prince's beach compound in Yemen

sounds like a super-sweet vacay

until you're in a harem

with a dozen former midwestern beauty queens

and Blair from "The Facts Of Life."

You get my point?

What's a Yemen?

Okay. The point is, we love what we do.

I mean, I want to be a photographer,

but... (Chuckles) I'd do it for free.

- Me, too! - Wow. I don't think there's anything

that I would do for free.

Maybe open presents, tickle babies,

oh, and smell my fingers after I pump gasoline. (Inhales)

It's probably hard to make careers

out of most of those things.

I...

Stranger touch.

Good job, grown-ups.

Look, I'm glad you guys love your work,

but most people don't.

Ladies.

I just found my dream job.

Furk.

Behold.

Bobby's Burgers.

Bobby, I've never seen you cook food.

I've seen you find food... outside and then eat it.

Well, that's the beauty about my business model.

All right, when drunk people come out of a bar,

they want food.

So what I do, I go down to the burger joint.

I buy a bunch of their burgers for $1 a piece,

and then I pull the truck up in front of a bar,

and I sell to these rowdy yahoos for 4 bucks a pop.

What y'all think?

Do you want to start, or should I?

I think it's amazing that you found your calling.

I wish I had that.

Seriously?

Heel. Stan has a harness.

But he eats glass. What's your excuse?

Well, someone has to help pull the truck around town.

It has no engine.

Well, have you seen Ando's legs?

He's Quadzilla.

I'm ready to respond.

Cornbread,

science tells me you have a brain

because you're standing and blinking,

but I don't imagine anything else in there

but a meatball that talks just like you.

Hurdy-dur.

Look, I know being with Stan 24 hours a day

has made you a little bit...

I don't know. Let's call it edgy,

but that was too mean, even for you.

Why are you smiling?

Bobby's dream is rolling away.

Ay!

Ooh, Jules needs me.

Can you guys watch the bar for a few minutes?

- Obviously. - Totally.

- Absolutely. - Thanks.

- Okay. - Have a good one.

Oh, my God.

I feel sad for Jules,

so bummed over her job.

Well, sometimes work sucks. That's why I call it "surk."

- Well, it surks for people like you and my mom. - Yeah.

But Laurie and I-- we're artists.

I'm a cake artist.

What we do changes people's lives.

Our humble mission-- to inspire humanity,

to hold up a mirror and ask two questions-- why and what if?

With... cupcakes and pictures?

What do you do again? Something with numbers?

I'm a financial manager.

Dud if I... (Laughs) had to what you do every day--

going into the same office, sitting at the same computer,

eating the same bologna sandwich,

I would totally go bath salts.

Sometimes I play solitaire.

- Grayson gone? - Yep.

When the cat's away, baby.

Stranger touch.

You realize this game ends with me being beaten to death?

I got big news.

I realized that I haven't been selling any houses

because my heart's not in it.

So I'm gonna quit.

Quit and do what?

I don't know,

but I'm real excited about the quitting part.

I mean, it makes things a little harder on me,

but... (Chuckles) that's no big deal, right?

Is it getting sarcastic?

No.

I mean, it's cool to be the sole breadwinner.

I get to pay for the mortgage by myself

and-- ooh! I even get to pay for your son's college tuition,

but he pays me back by being surly

and stealing my shirts.

He steals from me, Jules.

He just borrows.

What's shakin'?

That's stealing.

Bobby's burgers! Get 'em while they're hot!

There you go. We gotta get back to the grill.

Grayson's right.

I don't think it's fair to make him the only breadwinner.

(Woman) Can I get four burgers, please?