Cheech and Chong - Still Smokin' (Still Smokin)

Hello. This is Cheech. I'm not here right now.

I'm here, but I'm not here. I'm on my way to Amsterdam.

We got invited to a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film festival.

So, I'm going to be in Amsterdam for a little while,

so if you need me, when you hear the beep just leave a message.

And PS, if this is Donna...

You can put that wherever you need it, baby. Check you later.

Hey, where are you? I'm at the airport.

The plane's getting ready to leave without us. Come on!

- It's him! - Here they come.

This is the first airport I haven't been searched in.

You don't smuggle stuff into Amsterdam!

- Hello! - Hello, hi!

Thank you very much.

Hello, Mr Burt Reynolds.

On behalf of the Amsterdam International Film Festival,

we heartily welcome you in Amsterdam, Mr Burt Reynolds.

I hope you will have a very happy, and lucky time.

Do you know if Miss Dolly Parton was on the plane?

Was Dolly Parton on the plane?

I didn't see Dolly Parton. Was she on the plane?

I have seen your movies. You are much taller than in real life.

May I say... may I say Burt to you, Mr Reynolds?

What?

Maybe I say Mr Burt or Mr Reynolds. Maybe Burt. Something like that.

- May I say Burt to you, Mr Reynolds? - I'm not Burt Reynolds.

- You are not Burt Reynolds. - No, I'm Cheech, man.

This is Chong. We're Cheech and Chong.

Turn around and show him. Cheech and Chong. See right there.

- You are here and... - Listen, man, where's that car?

There is a car outside waiting for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds.

But you can have the van if you want.

Go outside and there is a van there.

Please, no more autographs, no more pictures.

Thank you, thank you. It's lovely to be here.

Take me to a dyke. Thank you.

There you go.

I've got writer's cramp. Thanks anyway.

Hey, man, I think I'm going to have to finally do it.

- Do what? - Put scars all over my face.

I'm too handsome. This guy thinks I'm Burt Reynolds.

I've got to give the other actors a chance.

I don't think you have to go to all that trouble.

Just grow another big zit like the one you got right there.

Where? I've got one on my nose?

Yeah, a big yellow one.

- Is it big? - Yeah.

Looks like another nose, man.

If you really want to look ugly, leave a bogey hanging off your mustache.

- Is it off? - And if you really want to look uglier...

Man, shut up!

Oh, you are sitting here... because...

...these places were supposed to be for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds.

Dolly Parton's supposed to be sitting here?

Let me clear a place for her to sit down.

I asked the people to put you in the van...

They just told us to sit here.

They didn't understand well.

You're sure that Burt Reynolds was not on the plane?

He wasn't with us. We flew first class.

Maybe he was sitting back with the peasants.

- You flew first class? - Yeah, thanks for the ticket.

There's a little problem. You didn't get the telegram?

What telegram? You said come over here and party.

You was on the list but there are a little bit financial problems.

You know Mr Patrick?

He's the dude that phoned us up and sent us the tickets.

He's a good dude. Met him at a party.

He's a heavy fan of ours.

He told us, "Come to Amsterdam and let's party."

We've been studying up on partying.

- We got it down pretty good. - We're ready.

To be honest, I asked him to send you a telegram to cancel this trip.

We have a little bit of financial problems.

Mr Patrick, he left with all my money and also my car.

So certainly he will come back one of these days.

Oh, yeah. He'll come back.

We'll help you out. We'll do a show for you.

We haven't worked in four years.

That's OK. I remember all the skits.

- Where's the windmills? - Maybe you can see one on your left.

Where's the chocolate?

You haven't been before in Holland?

What are you doing in America? Radio shows or something like that?

You ever heard of Cheech and Chong?

Where you been? Under a rock?

We make movies.

I have a wonderful movie theater in Amsterdam.

We are having a press conference.

I want to introduce Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds

to people from Holland and from the newspapers.

Where's the party gonna be? Is that where the party is?

Patrick said Sylvia Kristel's gonna be at the party.

- Maybe she is. - You're a Hollander.

I'm a Hollander, yeah.

There are parties, but I had to cancel some because of financial problems.

Maybe we can have one party.

- Where can we score some hash? - What do you mean?

- I've got the address of that dope cafe. - Great.

We have lots of cafés in Amsterdam.

With jetlag you got to smoke dope and it comes out even.

...Burt Reynolds.

Mr Burt, welcome in Holland.

Mr Dolly, Mr Burt, please follow me.

This is our very best, the Saskia van Uylenburgh suite.

Rembrandt's former wife. The best we have.

He we are in our very best.

Amsterdam at your feet. Venice of the north.

Sorry.

The Rye building for the big fairs.

Rijksmuseum.

Vincent Van Gogh museum.

Museum of the history of Amsterdam.

There are a lot of nice sights around here.

Many, Mr Burt, many.

- The Royal Palace. - Oh, Yeah.

The Stedelijk museum.

Xaviera Hollander's house.

Mr Burt, I'm so fond of having you here.

I'm your biggest fan, Mr Burt. You can believe it.

Mr Burt, I am your biggest fan. I've seen all your pictures.

Except the last one. I haven't seen the last one.

Neither have I!

Excuse me, Mr Burt, you got any Dutch money?

No, no, no. No, Mr Dolly, you don't have to pay.

It's free, man.

Yes... Uh, no.

I'm sorry. It's not free. You have to sign for it.

- Mr Jan... Jan... - Godefry.

Mr Jan Godefry arranged everything for you.

You just order and sign.

Just sign.

How is Raquel Welch in reality, flesh to flesh?

- She's gonna last forever. - Really?

When there's anything you need...

- I mean anything. - Anything?

Anything! We have some ivory statues.

Oriental statues...

...from gorgeous delight in the basement.

Those tiny fingers will work you up, slowly, slowly,

to an excitement you've never had before.

- You just sign? - Just sign.

I'm so sorry, I have to take him.

1,001 delights.

Anything you wish.

Mr Burt, Mr Dolly.

Enjoy your stay in Amsterdam... in Holland.

Sign. Anything.

Amsterdamski, man!

All right.

Your luggage.

Hey, man, just sign for it.

- Sign? - Sign for it.

And for you.

- Could you get me one for the doorman? - Of course.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

We made it, man.

I wonder where the toiletskis.

See the size of this bathtub. We could have a couple of friends in.

Still got that little outboard motor?

Wow, look at this. What is this?

Hey, man, help!

What are you doing?

Hello, room service? This is Mr Burt in the Suzi Q suite.

Mr Burt...

You know, Burt and Dolly.

Yeah, that Raquel Welch. She's something.

No, they're real.

You know that caviar you sent up today? It smells fishy.

Yeah and it had all turned black. Someone must have left it out all night.

Can you send up that other caviar? Send up some of that Belgian.

I don't know. A pound? No, make it five pounds.

Whatever you got. Send it right up. We're really hungry.

OK, donkey smell.

All right, the game. That's the new series.

I'm beginning to feel bored. Let's go see the town.

Amsterdam. Look at these buds.

Look at this.

They're real!

- Hello. Would you like to eat something? - Yes, please.

- The special today is Indika. - Oh, great.

- Would you like some weed tea? - I'd love some.

Oh, wow, look what they got, man.

- Fresh buds in season with melon. - Look here, filet au cola.

Here's my favorite, seed soup. I wonder if they got pepper with that.

I'll start with the tossed Californian bud salad, then a shake-shake.

What's "Fungus Mungus"? Never mind. Bring it to me, anyway.

For my main course, a Bogart special with everything, including the mold.

Then I'll try the Temple Surprise, too.

Pig out, man.

I'll have the cream of hash and barley soup.

And the fresh buds.

Are they in season? Yeah, OK. And...

For desert, I'll have the space yogurt with chopped cola nuts.

Thank you very much. Put the rush on it.

Do you feel anything?

I'm still hungry, man. Want to order another one?

I will try to explain why the people on the list are not coming.

You sit there, and you can sit...