Extras

A lot of people when they get famous

they find a lot of temptations in their way, they maybe drink too much, eat too much.

They get invited to parties and so forth, and, you know, weight can be a problem.

You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight.

Would I be right in that? Is it a struggle?

It's not a struggle. The more I eat, the fatter I get, it's...

-But you're comfortable? -It's easy, it's easy.

What are your ambitions? Obviously this has been a big hit for you,

a surprise hit some would say.

But what are your ambitions over and above this?

You gonna do more of the same or do you want to branch out?

I suppose I would like to do, you know, serious acting

and I would like to do films.

Who'd you like to meet? Who'd you like to work with?

You don't know anyone.

I know most people in Hollywood, I've interviewed most of them.

I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro.

I've interviewed all the greats.

Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world,

so I'd obviously like to work with him.

All right, challenge accepted. Challenge accepted.

No, challenge accepted, De Niro. I will hook you up with De Niro.

-You can get me De Niro? -Yeah. But lose some weight first.

-Andy? -Hi.

-Well done, that was great. -Really?

-It was fantastic, you were fantastic. -Cheers.

-Are you gonna stay for a drink? -Yeah.

All right, wait for me in there, I've got to pop downstairs.

But don't go without seeing me, I'd really love to chat.

-Okay, all right. -Wait for me. I'll be a minute.

-Is that your first chat show? -Yeah.

-You're not serious? -I was nervous as well.

It didn't show.

-Oh, really? -No, I didn't notice.

-You were great, I loved your stories. -I'm used to it.

I've done loads, you'll get used to it.

Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience?

Yeah. What, now?

-Is that all right? -Yeah.

Joe, this is Andy. Andy, Joe.

-Hi. -Hi.

-You all right? -Yeah, can I ask...

Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews.

May be in for quite a long time,

and would you pop in and say hello?

Would l...?

Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital?

I'm not sure what I'm doing.

-All right, well... -To be honest.

Give me your number and we can arrange something.

-Yeah, if you call my agent on... -Not your agent.

-Not my agent? -No. They fob you off, agents.

What's your mobile?

I lost my mobile. I don't know where it is at the moment.

-It's in your pocket. -It's in my what?

It's in your pocket.

Oh, I thought I looked there. I...

Why didn't I look in there? I usually look in my pocket. Well done, kid.

What's your number?

-Mine? -Yeah.

Can I remember it? 0...

7700900.

1-5-8.

Oh, I'll just ring it so I've got it in there.

Well, don't, no, that's my old one. That's the one I lost.

That's the one I lost.

No. If you're gonna test it, it's 07700900168.

Okay, all right. Well, I'll ring to confirm Monday.

-I don't know if I can... -You can make it Monday.

-It's just half an hour. -Yeah.

-Get a cab, you can afford it. -Yeah, I know.

-But... -6:00, St Matthews?

He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, neurology block.

-And it's 6:00. -Okay.

-See you at 6:00. -Yeah.

Great, thank you very, very much.

-Say goodbye. -Goodbye.

-Cheers. -Bye-bye, thanks.

Bye.

This way.

-Bit weird, innit? -Bit presumptuous.

No, I mean it's weird she didn't ask me.

I mean, knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people.

Well, maybe she didn't notice me.

-Maybe. -Unlikely.

I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room.

No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first,

"being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget, you know, he can sing,

"he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake."'

Ah.

No, she... I know what it was, she was intimidated and she, you know, thought,

"Bird in the hand, I'll definitely get a "yes" from the nobody."'

Worried about this kid though, aren't you?

-Yeah... -No, I'm worried. I'm worried about the kid

because if this, you know, so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that,

you know, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making?

Is she screwing up his medication?

-Is she, is she? -I don't know.

No, no.

-Good luck. Keep them laughing. -Cheers.

Would you like to come back for a nightcap?

Yeah, I'd love to.

-Oh, hiya. Nice night? -Yeah, it was lovely, yeah, yeah.

This is Maggie.

-Hi. -Hello, Maggie.

-You live with your parents? -Yeah.

If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear?

We need to get up early tomorrow.

We're not gonna get up to anything.

Oh, I think Michael thinks you are.

I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here.

You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love.

Definitely not.

Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active.

You look like you know your way around.

Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something?

-Hmm? -Are you on contraception?

-Yeah. -What kind?

-Just the pill. -The pill?

Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't l, dear?

She does use a cap, but sometimes I pop a johnny on as well, just to be safe.

Belt and braces, we've got two sons, that's enough.

Now we want the fun without the responsibility.

Doesn't have to be penetrative sex, either, of course.

Plenty of other things to do.

Sometimes we do everything but.

An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.

Indeed. Indeed.

-Do you play at all? -Mmm.

We should definitely have a game.

I used to play at school, I haven't played for a while.

I can see that. I've got a court in my back garden.

-Right, money on it. -I will knock you all over the place.

Actually I've got two courts. Brilliant, thank you. I'm gonna show you this.

-Is that your wages? -No. I've got two of these...

I got one in Japan, one in New York, right.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -I'll set it up.

-Hello? Hello, it's me.

Hi, yeah.

-What can I do for you? -Nothing. I'm just phoning for a chat.

Oh, God.

I've got to tell you about this date that I've just been on.

Do you have to tell me right now?

-What, are you busy? -Yeah.

I'm right in the middle of something at the moment.

Well, I'll call you later, then?

Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though.

-Look at this. -Sort of really snowed under.

I've got to go. I'll speak to you soon, yeah?

All right, well, I'll speak to you...

That's my toy, right, but this is his toy, I had to buy this separately.

-Check this out. -I love the fact that your toys have got toys.

Okay, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing?

-What's that? -For f... I told you. It...

Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film.

You said you'd get me an audition, you said you'd make a few phone calls.

-I've been looking into that. -Have you?

But it's tricky 'cause all his people are in Los Angeles...

-So? You've got a phone. -Yeah, it's complicated, though, 'cause...

It took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead.

-They're behind. -Are they?

-Yes. -That explains quite a lot.

-So what time would it be over there now? -Right, it's 4:00 here so eight hours.

-Five, six, seven... -No, you're going up.

-Five, six, seven... -You're still going up.

-No, that's down... -No, it's 4:00 here so eight hours, 8:00.

That's four hours ahead.

-In the morning! -Oh, okay, yes.

-Supposing they get in at 9:00... -10:00, have a cup of coffee.

-Say hello to the people and... Yeah. -All right.

-Add eight... -To what?

-10! -10. 18?

-What do you mean, 18? -Oh, add eight hours, you mean?

-Well, of course. -Yeah. Sorry.

-So call them at 6:00. -Right, their time.

-Our time! -Our time. Yeah.

And what time will it be over there?

-10:00. -10:00.

-At night? In the morning. -In the morning!

Forget it. If I can get hold of Robert De Niro before you, you're fired, okay?

I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for.

Have another go but if I beat you to him, you're fired.

-Hey, hello. -All right. What you doing here?

Some more extra work, obviously.

-That's where it's tight, there. -It's the same as it was before.

Listen, Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on with this guy, right.

To look at him, you would think that he was Mr Perfect.

-Your dad? -What?

-What did you say? Your dad what? -No, a date. I went on a date.

-Oh, right. -Try it now.

Is this a really bad time? 'Cause I can easily come back and catch you here.

-That's better. -At a later date.

-Whatever you did. -We should hook up.

I've hardly seen you, well, not in the flesh. I've seen you in the paper.

In fact, a photograph of you here with your new best friend.

Oh, wow. "Wossy takes fwiend for a wide."'

That's at his house in Swanage.

That was a brilliant day.

Yeah.

Well, we should go and get a cup of tea or something sometime.