Don't Forget the Driver

The thing is, Barry, it's high season here,

and I'm at full stretch.

And, um, Kayla's in a bit of a dark place.

Mum... Mum, well, she's just not herself.

And the thing is, Barry, the thing is,

she, she's not going to get any better.

Bollocks.

I'm on my own now, mate.

- Barry? Did you hear any of that? - Something about your bollocks?

No, no, Mum can't look after herself.

- Ah, it's bloody awful, Pee-wee. - Dad? Tell him about the thing.

- What? - We were watching the Bognor webcam this morning,

Uncle Pete, and we saw something by the pier. What did you think it was, Dad?

Oh, yeah, yeah, a porpoise.

Yeah, a porpoise.

Yeah, it wasn't there yesterday. Take a look.

Ah, tell you what, we'll watch you on the webcam.

- Do a bomb, Dad! - Hang on, Barry.

- Barry! - Here I come!

We haven't sorted out what we're going to do about...

Barry?!

Cammy, you get over there, you have a go!

Kay? Where's that Spanish omelette?

What?

- From last night. - I'm asleep.

Did you eat that Spanish omelette?

- Might have. - Do you even know?

Yeah, I did eat that Spanish omelette.

It's not funny.

You didn't even know.

There no food in the house.

Can we talk about this in the morning?

- Dad! - That was my lunch.

And don't forget I'm back late, so you have to see your nan today.

She doesn't know who I am.

Yes, she does.

Give us a wave, mate. I'm here.

Can you see us?

Look up, over here.

Give us a wave, go on.

What is it, bro? A porpoise?

Look, mate, this is five bucks a minute, bro.

Can't tell.

Dad, tell him to go and have a look.

Well, go and take a look then, mate.

Mate? Mate?!

Pee-wee?

Why's he running away, Dad?

What you doing?

Mate?

It's 6:25 AM.

- Last orders at the bar, please, last orders at the bar. - Aww.

Come on, going to lose our jobs if this carries on, matey boy. Out!

Peter, my friend.

Yeah, your colleague.

Yes.

You, me, top secret.

The office aren't stupid, Lech, they know something's going on.

You're a very kind man, Peter.

I'm not a kind man.

Yes, you are a kind man.

No, no!

Put me down. Put me down!

Look, you're in West Sussex, mate, you're not in Danzig now.

- Dzieki. - You're welcome.

- Out, come on! - OK, OK.

Auf wiedersehen.

- Sauce? - What?

Your sausage.

Oh, uh, no.

Yes, sorry, Fran.

Something on your mind, Pete?

Is it your mum?

Mm, yeah, and Kayla, of course.

Kids and mums, eh?

Mums and kids.

Oh, um, me and Kieran, we're going to that quiz night

tonight, do you want to tag along?

Where have you been?

Aye, aye.

Aye, aye. Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

All right, Squeaky?

- You coming with us, Fran? - If only.

I'm sure Pete could squeeze you in, eh?

So long, sweet cheeks.

Pete? Your sausage!

- Looking forward to it? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Morning. - Yeah? Come on.

Morning.

Morning, morning.

Lovely day for it.

Hello, Peter.

- Morning. - How's your poor mum?

Not so good, thanks, Maureen.

Oh, I heard she weren't tiptop.

That's your jacket there, is it?

There's plenty of seats further back, Maureen.

Oh, all right, then.

Come on.

Bloody early, innit, girls?

We should be in bed, shouldn't we, Doris?

Yes!

Heh-heh-heh!

As we say here, you are Bassett's greatest assets,

so buckle up, please, folks, it's the law.

- I AM the law! - Dave.

I've lived for nearly 80 years and I've been perfectly all right

- without a buckle. - Yeah.

Two drivers today, ladies and gents,

you lucky, lucky things.

So it's Dunkirk to do our duty to the dearly departed

and then for those keen to join 'em,

we're off to get you all booze and fags.

Booze and fags, booze and fags, booze and fags...

If the French had been a bit more bloody organised

in the Ardennes and held the Krauts at Lille for one more day,

then, of course, we could have got to Berlin

before the bloody Russians.

But they hadn't said anything about the bloody Resistance,

what are you talking about?

If... Listen to me.

If...

We're going back into Europe, ladies and gents.

Uh, sorry, sorry about that, ladies and gents,

I apologise for my colleague.

Some serious stuff, we will keep our watches

on English time today.

So remember, the itinerary is all on BST.

Uh, I trust you have all remembered your passports.

Yes!

Otherwise you'll be spending a day at Ashford Retail Park.

I've got coffins to polish.

Sure.

Someone needs to put a rocket up your arse.

And go see your nan!

Love you, too.

Have a good day, Bradley.

You, too, sweetheart.

Fuck's sake.

See all them police?

- Eh? - On Bognor Beach?

Really?

They've closed the bloody road now.

Why do you wear that stupid thing?

In case I get a call, Pete. Hands-free.

Hai Karate!

I only take it off when I'm on the...

Ah!

Come on, Pete.

You need to get off, Maureen.

Oh, not feeling too clever, Peter.

Thing is, officially, I can't start my break

if you're still on board.

Oh, just a bit of fresh air, then.

Here we go.

You've got a brother, haven't you, Peter?

I'm a twin.

I lost my brother here.

Oh, right.

15 years older than me, he was.

Drowned on these beaches, or shot,

or left to rot or something.

No-one picked him up, see?

Mm.

There's no name on the grave.

It's unknown.

It makes me so sad.

I'd leave that a couple of minutes if I were you.

It stinks.

Pah!

Nan?

Nan? It's me.

Nan?

There you go, there you go, love.

Oh, heavens...

You sit down, that's it.

Oh!

They never picked him up, see?