Love and Other Disasters

Hey, sleepyhead.

-You up? -What time is it?

Almost noon.

I'm afraid you've got to go.

-Excuse me? -You've got to go.

I have friends coming over for brunch.

What, in my apartment?

Sorry.

Three years and you still treat me like a one night stand.

Babies, sorry I'm late. I had to deal with James.

James? I thought you broke up with James.

I did. He's just not taking it very well.

-What, all alone in his big empty castle? -Be nice.

Anyway, I had to give his ego CPR.

-How tiresome. What'd you say? -Oh, you know, how great he is.

How he's going to make the right girl so happy.

How it's really not him, it's blah, blah, blah.

-And he believed you? -Of course not.

-So then I had to fuck him. -Right.

Where's Peter?

Babies, we missed you at brunch.

Sorry. I had to finish 1,500 words for Empire.

Tallulah sends her love.

-How is she? -In love

with this Jamaican model I set her up with.

Apparently, he shags her four times a day

and it inspires her to write volumes of new poetry.

-Isn't that great? -No, I hate Tallulah-poetry.

Speaking of shags, how was your date with Doug?

-Fine. -Fine, just fine?

Look, Jacks, I really appreciate you trying to set me up with Doug and Phil and John...

-What's wrong with Doug? -Nothing.

I just don't see much of a future together.

How do you know that after one dinner?

Maybe because we have nothing in common.

That's not true. You're an artist, Doug's an artist.

-Doug's a florist. -He's a horticultural designer.

Yeah, whose life goal is to create a sculpture of Princess Diana

entirely of bougainvillea.

-You are such a snob. -I'm not a snob, I have hay fever.

I'd be allergic to Doug's work. Look, Doug deserves better than me.

You're never going to find anyone with that attitude.

What attitude? I'm just being realistic.

If you're realistic, then I'm the Queen of England.

Hey, I'm the queen of England.

Hello, Your Majesty.

Oh, Daphne, you poor thing. Of course I'll deal with the shoot.

I can handle Sasha.

Okay, lots of love, big kiss. Bye-bye.

Since when do you say, "Lots of love, big kiss" to your boss?

Since Daphne's going through a nasty divorce.

-She needs positive affirmation. -Hmm.

Babies, what's wrong?

Nothing, I'm just a little nervous. He's meant to have a ferocious temper.

Who?

Marvin Bernstein, the man I'm interviewing today.

Since when do you get nervous about celebrity profiles?

Since we're not talking about some two-bit British TV presenter.

Marvin Bernstein is a living legend.

The man's produced some of the best films in the last 20 years.

He's a giant among the film industry.

-A giant? -Maybe I should call in sick.

-Maybe that's what's bothering you. -That I'm not feeling well?

No, that Marvin Bernstein reminds you

that these celebrity profiles are meant to pay the rent,

while you're focusing on your screenplays.

Yeah, can we not talk about my non-existent film career right now.

I'm feeling small enough as it is.

Babies, just remember,

Marvin Bernstein may be a giant, but you are a giant-in-waiting.

Yes. Yes, I am.

-I have no idea what that means. -Neither do I.

I'm here to see Mr. Marvin Bernstein.

-Your name? -Peter Simon.

Peter Simon. Any relation to Neil?

-Excuse me? -Neil Simon. Great writer.

-You a great writer? -Oh, I don't know.

You'd know if you were great.

WOMAN ON PHONE.. Mr. Bernstein, Kenneth Branagh on line 2.

Kenneth Branagh, another great writer.

Kenny B!

I loved the script. I loved it. Fucking brilliant dialogue.

Uh-huh. Huh? Uh-huh.

Well, hats off to Shakespeare then.

-No answer. -What?

I said, no answer in Mr. Bernstein's room.

Oh, right. Um...

-Fine. I'll just wait. -Please.

Okay, ladies, arms around each other.

Okay now, Jade, look into Benji's eyes, please.

Thank you very much. Okay, now, where's love?

Pandora, how's it going?

Well, you know, Benji hates Jade, Jade hates Benji and Sasha hates everyone.

Nothing like a happy set.

Hello, I'm waiting.

Paolo, when I have to ask for it, it's too late.

Who's the cutie?

Sasha's latest squeeze. Argentinean.

Apparently, Sasha picked him up at Ipanema Beach.

Amazing how Sasha always finds his assistants at the beach.

Isn't it?

I suppose it allows him to examine their qualifications.

Tallulah, what's wrong?

Oh, God, I just had a huge row with Freedom and I think it's over.

-Okay. I'm in the middle of a shoot. -Oh, God, I feel like dying.

Okay. Tell me exactly what happened.

Well, he came over, and we shagged,

and then I asked him what he thought about monogamy.

You don't talk about monogamy after you shag a guy.

-No, no, but he said he liked monogamy. -He did?

Then he said he also likes oak and pine and maple.

-So he's got a sense of humor. -Monogamy is not a laughing matter.

If Freedom ever cheated on me, I don't think I could go on.

Tallulah, you've known the guy for a week.

Stop talking like you're in some kind of a movie.

-Can't help it. I'm naturally dramatic. -Excuse me. Sasha needs you.

Oh, right. I'll be right there.

Who is that? -Sasha's assistant.

-He's gay. -What?

-Gay. -How can you tell?

Trust me. I have the best gaydar in London. That boy, gay as a goose.

Lucky fucking gays.

Excuse me, sir.

We've just got word Mr. Bernstein had to fly back to New York.

Oh, right. Thank you.

-I am so sorry. -It's all right.

So sorry.

And now you love her. Feed her grape, with love, real love.

Excellent. And crush a grape on her mouth.

Excellent. Make it sexy. More sexy, make the grape sexy.

Yes, yes. And kiss her on the mouth. Excellent. Sexy love.

Yeah, I think we have it.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Jacks, would it be all right if I borrowed an outfit, just for tonight?

I kind of have a date.

-A date? With who? -Oh, just this guy.

I mean, I'm not sure it's even technically a date. It's just dinner.

Pandora, pick out the sexiest outfit and go home immediately.

-But what about the wrap? -I'll cover for you.

What's more important, true love or fashion?

-It's just a dinner. -Okay, let me rephrase that.

What's more important, anything or fashion?

Thanks, Jacks.

Paolo, querido.

Dinner, 9:00, Nobu? Don't be late. I can't face him on my own.

-No problem. -Gracias, cariño.

Katie from Vogue will be picking these up in the morning.

Right, miss.

James.

How was your day?

-Anybody home? In here.

-So, how'd it go with the legendary giant? -Didn't.

-Stood me up. -Sorry, babies.

-Why you reading a cookbook in the nude? -It's The Naked Chef.

-What, you're keeping him company? -I'm waiting for the shower.

You're almost out of shampoo, so I had to use soap.

-Oh, hi, Peter. -Hello, James. How are you?

-Good. Yes. You? -Yes, good. Thanks.

Well, I better be off. My flight's at 9:00 and I still got to pack.

-Right. -I'll call you when I land.

-Have fun in New York. -Thank you.

-Bye, Peter. -Bye, James.

-Jacks. -Hmm?

What are you doing?

Reading this delicious recipe for beetroot salad

with marjoram and balsamic vinegar dressing.

-What are you doing with James? -Nothing.

You broke up with him a month ago.

I know, it's just sex. He fills a void, literally.

I don't see how you expect to meet someone new

if you spend all your time with your ex.

Good point.

Maybe I should get back together with James so I spend less time with him.

-(SIGHS) I don't think it's funny. -Neither do I.

What's the point of shagging someone ad nauseam,

if you know you're never going to love them?

It's not so simple.

He's in love with you, Jacks.

You're not in love with him. It doesn't get more simple than that.

That's not fair. I happen to care about James.

A lot. And I hate the fact that he feels more than me.

And I hate the fact that I'm not in love with him because I know I should be.

Because he's smart and sweet and decent. And I don't want to hurt him.

So I keep hoping that I'll grow into it.

That, maybe one day, I'll wake up and I'll feel...

-What? -In love.

You know, dizzy and feverish and nauseous.

-That's not love, Jacks. That's the flu. -Well, at least I'm trying.

-You big cynic. -I'm not a cynic.

When's the last time you even considered falling in love?

Today.

I'm not talking about some character in a novel or a movie.

Neither am I.

-What? -What?

What? Peter.

So, tell me everything. What's his name?

-David Williams. -David Williams.

-And? -And what?

And? Who is he? Where'd you meet him?

How'd you meet? Tell me everything.