The Nanny

"Miracle soap washes away fat."

"Shower and shed pounds at the same time."

Well, Ma, that's perfect for you.

You can use a bar of Dove to get rid of your Dove Bar.

Ladies; Tell me what could be better

than my new play being nominated for a Tony Award?

-Mmm. -Your face on my grandchild.

No, no, seriously, Sylvia.

I've been nominated for five Tonys.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield; I'm so...

-Am I coming, too? -Of course.

Happy for you!

So, what is the play about?

-Uh, yeah. -Oh, "The Widower."

Ah, well, it's about a man who loses the love of his life

and vows never to love again.

So, he forgoes any chance to remarry

and remains a widower till the day he dies.

-Sounds very poignant. -Hmm.

You need a house to fall on you?

Ma; It's a beautiful love story.

Not even the gorgeous governess in the third act

could turn the widower's head.

I don't know what happened after that.

I was sobbing too violently.

So, where are the children?

I sent Niles to tell them I got 5.

They're not coming down until they know

how many Andrew Lloyd Webber got.

Oh, good Lord.

Do you even think I'm that childish?

Two.

Maxwell; Why are you in here?

Hugging children?

We've got to get out there and turn it on for the judges.

Now what would I look really great in?

A sealed mausoleum.

Kids, kids. I'm so excited.

The Tonys get so many stars.

I know, yeah, right.

Too many nominations scare me.

Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be

to be up for five awards and not even win one?

You know, the next time

you kvetch about my therapy bills,

would you remember this moment?

Fran; Don't look, but I think that's Liza

coming down the row in front of us.

I probably shouldn't have said that, huh?

Oh, hello, Miss Minnelli.

Willkommen, bienvenue.

- Welcome. -Oh!

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry that was terrible.

Here we go, one more time.

-Ooh! -Okay, okay.

Keep movin', honey. We can't see. Go ahead.

Miss Fine!

You know what? I'm out of control.

Here, take the camera from me.

All right, now this is it.

If they start to shoot our row,

I don't want anyone making rabbit ears

behind anyone else's head, all right?

Just behave yourselves.

When did I ever do that?

I wasn't speaking to you.

Oh, one time at the Angela Lansbury Roast.

Would you let it go?

Okay, now.

You know, Andrew Lloyd Webber won two awards,

you've won two awards.

And he's not up for anything else,

so you're not gonna have to hear his name mentioned again.

Now, to present the nominees for Best Play,

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The nominees are

"Saint Thomas", Martin Brigg producer,

"Flight of the June Bird", Marilyn Chang producer.

And "The Widower", Ma...

Ma...

Pardon me, I'm so sorry.

Maxwell Sheffield, you little twit!

And the award goes to

"The Widower," Maxwell Sheffield; Producer.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I co-produced. I raised money.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing? Get off me!

Do you think you could possibly manage a smile for the reporters,

so they don't think my butler is a criminal on work furlough?

Go like this.

Forgive me, sir.

But try to see your winning an award from my point of view.

You say, "Welcome to my party, Senator."

And I say, "The little ones are cheese."

That's your job. I pay you overtime, don't I?

-What more do you want? -Look up.

You gather the whole family around for photos backstage.

Then make me stand behind you,

and pull your jacket in to give you a V shape.

Good Lord.

Crinkle your forehead.

Just for once, just once,

I wish you'd behave like a normal butler.

What the hell are you doing?!

Are you insane?!

Would you trust me?

You've got that whole pasty Hugh Grant,

"I need a week in Miami" look.

Maxwell; The reporters are here.

-Oh. -Nanny Fine,

I need something at your mother's house.

-Oh, what? -You.

Oh!

Did you know

that we are booked through '99?

That grieving widower speech of yours was a gold mine.

C.C., I was speaking from the heart.

-Yeah, yeah. -All those y_

Okay.

Handy wipe, I want you to scoop some ashes

out of the fireplace and put them in here.

We'll plop it on your desk and say it's Sarah.

Always near you. Yada, yada.

I will not pass off Duraflame residue

as the mother of my children.

Maxwell; I never noticed

how long and luxurious your lashes are.

Just... just send in the reporters, would you?

All right, Niles. How do I look?

Oh. You really should switch to the waterproof.

Oh. Just, knock it off.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, come this way.

Maxwell; Congratulations. "The Widower" is a hit.

Do you think the play has touched a lot of people

because it's a true story of you and your wife?

Well, I think people like to see a play they can relate to.

The widower hasn't been with a woman

since the death of his wife.

Are you expecting us to believe that's true of you?

A guy like you, with those lashes?

Let... let's just say,

I think my memories will last me a long time.

Are you telling me you never plan to remarry?

Well, now, that depends.

Of course, if the right woman were to...

Miss Fine!

Ignore her; she is just the nanny.

Any of you have children?

Because we're letting her go.

-That's your nanny? -Hi.

-I saw you at the Tonys. -Uh-huh.

Nice.

So, you took the whole household?

Hey, how about a picture?

Oh, I don't really think it's appropriate.

Get me from the left, honey.

-Nanny Fine. -What?

This is a press conference,

not Eva Peron on the Rainbow Tour.

Oh.

This is Maxwell's moment.

Get out of my light.

Would you get undressed and go to bed already?

I could still get a call.

It's past midnight. The cast party is over.

He's not inviting you.

I don't know why not.

I was the inspiration for the character of the butler.

He was 25 with a blonde pompadour

and an impish grin.

Well, so was I,

600,000 Brillo Pads ago.

Hello, Niles. You're going somewhere?

Oh, I thought I'd just trot over to the cast party and clean up.

Oh, stop it.

You can do that in the morning.

Now, Miss Fine, you did understand

this party was for cast and crew only, right?

I mean, you weren't expecting to be invited, were you?

No.

Margaret?

It's little late for you, isn't it?

I'm home, okay? So lay off me.

You're like the last person I have to answer to.

Where did that come from?

You get back down here, young lady.

No!

Well, she's not going to get away with speaking to me like that.

Oh, now. Wait, wait.

Let her just calm down a little bit.

What... what do you mean? Her calm down? What about me?

Well, you're just gonna have to deal with it.