Brooklyn Nine-Nine

And now on to new business. Peralta.

There's a case I'd like you to handle.

Methodist Hospital called this morning.

Apparently, a 38-year-old investment banker

was admitted last night with a broken penis.

It looks like... Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's a finance guy with a broken dong?

Uh, methinks some "Wolf of Wall Street" style

shenana-googles have taken place this day.

Anyone care to wager a guess as to how this happened?

Yeah, I bet he dipped it in a pile of cocaine,

got it real numb, and then hit a croquet ball with it.

- Totally possible. - He probably sat on it.

- So it got under his butt. - Happens all the time.

- Sure do. - Ugh, you guys are horrible.

And you're wrong because he was clearly driving

his Bentley naked, tried to pee out the window,

and was then struck by a goose on the wang.

Is that what happened, sir? Was he struck by a goose?

He was actually struck by a female coworker

who claims he attempted to sexually assault her.

I really wish you had

stopped us before we started guessing.

I'm not responsible for that.

Now due to the sensitive subject matter,

I think it makes sense to partner Peralta with...

Me? Because I'm the best at sex?

No, Hitchcock. In fact, you know what?

This isn't your week.

Why don't you take a few days off?

Sweet!

Have fun working, cucks! What?

Captain, I'd like to work the case with Jake.

I have the time.

I'm three weeks ahead on my paperwork.

Fine. Santiago and Peralta, talk to both parties.

Get to the bottom of this broken penis.

Wait. I just want to say I think it's sad

that we as a society can no longer laugh at the phrase

"broken penis," and it is my dream

that we one day shall again. Team Broken Penis on three.

One, two, three... Broken penis!

Yeah, probably should've seen that coming.

Mr. Haggerty, please have a seat.

Oh, you can stand if that's more comfortable.

No, it's cool.

The doctor said I need to change positions

frequently so I don't form a penile clot.

Oh, I'm not gonna barf, so on that note,

please explain the events that led to your diaper.

So last night I was giving my coworker,

Keri, some pointers on her trades.

Told her "lever up on VTC.

There's no fat tail on the vol's wicked low."

I just didn't want her to chump it.

Right, and you spoke that way because you were...

snowboarding? No, we were in my office.

- Yeah. - Anyway, she just flipped out

and hit me with my favorite golf club.

Ms. Brennan is claiming she attacked you

in self-defense after you sexually assaulted her.

Yeah, because she's crazy.

I know we're not supposed to say that about women.

I usually wouldn't go there because I'm a huge advocate.

I mean, I'm the kind of guy who thinks Kathryn Bigelow

should direct the next "Star Wars."

I've said that out loud to other men.

Thank you, Mr. Haggerty. We'll be in touch.

Great, thanks. I'm gonna stand up now.

Captain, sorry to interrupt.

I just got off the phone with the Department of Corrections.

They wanted me to let you know that Ernest Zumowski died.

My goodness.

It's been a while since I've heard that name.

I hunted him for years

and finally caught him and put an end to his bloodlust.

In some sick way, I am who I am because of Ernest Zumowski

AKA... All: The Disco Strangler.

Oh, so you knew who I was talking about?

Yeah, sir, you talk about him a lot.

- You know, the yo-yo was his... - Calling card.

Oh, I mentioned that too? So how'd he die?

He was in a prison transport van,

and he got in a terrible accident.

It burst into flames, and he was trapped inside.

Well, well, well, he finally did it.

- Died horribly? - Escaped.

Just like he said he would all those years ago.

I'll be coming back for you.

I'm just like disco, baby. I will never die.

True, disco will never die, but you will...

In your cell, punk.

Oh, so I've told that part of the story as well?

Yes, at every Christmas party.

Sir, I am the first to tout

the capabilities of senior citizens.

I have made love to many,

but the Disco Strangler is over 80.

I doubt that he could pull off an escape like this.

Oh, that's what he wants you to think.

You're both underestimating him.

I know 28 other people who did that,

and they all ended up with yo-yos

- around their throats. - Necks.

Nope, I said "throats," not necks,

which means I haven't told that story too many times.

All right, lace up your dancing shoes

because it's time to catch this disco bastard.

Thank you for coming in, Ms. Brennan.

Can you describe your working relationship with Mr. Haggerty?

Absolutely. Seth hired me three years ago

to help with large-scale statistical arbitrage

and ever since we've been at a steady 18% yield.

I didn't know most of those words,

but I'm assuming it means you're good at business.

I am good. I brought in $168 million

to the firm last quarter.

Wow, that's a lot of money.

Where do you keep it all? It's in a computer.

I've watched too much "DuckTales."

No, you can never watch too much "DuckTales."

It's my dream to have a gold coin pool.

- Like Scrooge McD. Continue. - Look.

I love my job, and I'm really good at it.

I would never do anything to jeopardize what I have,

and I'm not a violent person,

but last night Seth crossed a line.

Can you tell us what happened?

I was working late, and he called me into his office.

He had clearly been drinking,

and before I knew it, he pushed me into a desk

and he tried to take my clothes off.

So I grabbed his stupid golf club

and I hit him in the Cookie Monster,

which is what he calls his penis, by the way.

- Gross. - He's the worst.

My only regret is that I didn't get

in two extra whacks for each of his testicles.

What does he call those? Bert and Ernie?

You are actually correct.

Ugh, I hate that I got that right.

So in conclusion:

the burns on Zumowski's body are consistent

with a massive vehicle fire.

- If this even is his body. - Excuse me?

We're talking about the Disco Strangler...

A serial killer, who for six years

stayed one step ahead of the entire NYPD.

Not sure he had many steps left in him, sir.

Take a look. Aw.

He looks fragile and sweet. Sweet as poison pie.

Were you able to match the dental records

to the Disco Strangler? No, the body had no teeth.

- Well, that's suspicious. - Not really.

Zumowski didn't have any teeth either.

- Due to him being very old? - Yes.

What about the fact that this corpse is 71 inches tall

when the Disco Strangler was 76?

He shrank over time.

Is that another old person thing?

Yes, it is. Another old person thing.

- Mm-hmm. - We also have a DNA match

between hair on the head

of this body and the Disco Strangler.

Sir, this is clearly Zumowski.

And that's a good thing.

You can finally say good-bye to your nemesis.

Thanks, sergeant. That's a nice thought.

For an idiot to have. Look at this.

A dirty little string?

Oh, it's not just any old string.

It's a yo-yo string, the most dangerous part of the yo-yo.

The Strangler wanted me to find this.

He's out there, and he's taunting me.

Okay, Ms. Brennan, we've discussed it,

and we think you should file charges

against Mr. Haggerty for sexual assault.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's a difficult process...

Actually, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I don't wanna press charges.

The firm just offered me $2.5 million

if I sign an NDA and let this slide.

Wait, so you're gonna let Seth get off scot-free?

Well, that money would go a long way

towards the Scrooge pool. Sorry, ignore me.

"DuckTales." Woo-oo. I mean, I think

I have to take it.

This is a "he said, she said," situation.

I know how that goes down.

No one's gonna convict him on my word alone.

The system's as broken as Seth's dong.

No, it's not. I'm the system.

And I'm nothing like Seth's dong.

It feels like we can move off this analogy.

Just don't sign that NDA right now.

Give us a chance to bring this guy to justice.

And how are you gonna do that?

By working our asses off to find proof

that he assaulted you, and when we do,

he will go to jail for what he did.