Mom

Okay, maybe I'm old-fashioned.

Says the man who wears Aqua Velva.

I thought you like that.

I do. Go on with your rant, honey.

I just don't think that dogs belong in stores.

I can't take my ice cream into a pet store,

so why do all these people

bring their dogs into an ice cream store?

They're service dogs.

Really? How was that ratty little poodle

being of service to that woman with the big, fake lips?

She must need him or she wouldn't have bought him a stroller.

Oh, d-don't get me started on the strollers

or the matching hats.

You know, you're getting dangerously close

to old coot territory.

Which is just over yonder

by those kids who won't pick a damn gender!

It's Christy.

- Is that coconut or poodle fuzz? - She wants me

to pick up her waitress uniform at the dry cleaner.

I love how she thinks I have nothing better to do.

Do you?

My side. You're on my side.

"Will try,

but Adam in a dark place again."

Hey, hey, don't drag me into this.

Oh, I do it all the time.

If she asks, you have just a kiss of manic depression.

"Will try, but Adam really Ne... "

- Oh, my God. Are you all right? - Oh! Oh!

This is bad. This is really bad.

Okay, here, take my hands. I'll pull you up.

Oh, stop. I can't stand.

Honey, you got to get up.

You're in a bus stop. Eventually, there's gonna be a bus.

Okay.

- Let me try to drag myself out. - All right. Hurry, hurry.

Did you just eat your ice cream?

Uh, I don't know. Did I?

How about when you're done with your treat,

you call 911!

So, what's the spa like?

Oh, we take hikes through the desert,

we meditate, we eat super healthy.

It's been the worst week of my life.

Well, you look good.

Damn well better look good after I... W-What's that?

- What are you eating? - Just a muffin.

Don't say "just a muffin" to me.

I'm on ten calories a day. Hold it up.

Not the wrapper side. Show me her face.

Ooh, she's pretty.

Jill, it's a muffin I bought at a car wash.

Oh, they're all the same in the dark.

- What kind is it? - Bran.

Lie to me.

Double chocolate chip.

Yeah, it is.

Take another bite.

- This is getting kind of weird. - Take a bite!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, got to go.

I'm gonna reheat some pizza later.

I'll call you then.

What time?!

Hey, where's my mom?

She asked me to make sure you were here

so she could make an entrance.

- What? - Come on in!

Is she gonna do that thing where she asks

"What's different about me?" and I'm gonna have to guess?

Maybe, but it'll be easy.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

You made me fall.

How?

You kept texting me about your stupid dry cleaning

while I was walking and eating ice cream.

I almost got hit by a bus.

It was nine blocks away, but she could see it.

- Are they broken? - Yes.

No. She tore a couple of ligaments.

She'll be in the chair for a few weeks.

You hear that, Christy?

Torn ligaments because of your dry cleaning.

Yeah. You have size 15 feet, but sure, I'm the one at fault.

The X-ray lady had trouble getting 'em in the same shot.

Hey! My side.

Well, is there anything I can do to help?

For starters, you have to be the building manager

until I can walk again.

I meant more like get you a pillow.

I'll take that, too.

All right. Well, you know, just write a list

of things I need to do around the building,

and I'll be like you and not do them.

That's all I'm asking.

Oh, I'm slipping off the toilet!

Just push yourself off the bowl!

- Grab my butt. Ow! - Hold the towel rack!

You're hurting my leg!

Stop pulling my hair!

Pull up my pants!

Great! Now we're gonna have seven years bad luck.

How will we tell?

I always knew someday she'd need help using the toilet,

but I was really hoping I'd be dead by then.

We better get this worked out

before I have my coffee tomorrow morning.

For what it's worth, I really enjoyed listening.

You guys should do a podcast.

I'm glad you were entertained

by me almost peeing on my daughter's hand.

"Almost"?!

It was a direct hit!

Oh, great.

Course my phone's in the kitchen.

Christy, do you mind?

Hold on, I'm boiling my hand.

She used to pay good money for clean urine.

Hello?

Uh, uh-huh.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Beverly's smelling something dead in her apartment.

Not the first time. Hope and animals go there to die.

What do you want to do?

Well, clearly I can't do anything,

but you better get right on it.

Can't we just turn up the heat

and see if whatever it is dries out?

Just get up there.

Oh, and grab the hammer out of my toolbox.

Sometimes the dead thing isn't completely dead.

What?

They scratch, they nip, they try to lay eggs in you.

It's disgusting.

If the dead thing bites me, I am biting you.

Ooh. I'll bite you back.

There's your podcast: sober chicks who bite each other.

Do you see anything?

Yep, it's a dead mouse.

Wait.

Yeah, it's dead.

You're gonna need a new pair of tongs.

Why? It's just another kind of meat.

Now I'm kind of glad

I turned down the lasagna you offered me.

Okay, I'm just gonna go throw Mickey in the Dumpster.

After that, can you drive me to the pharmacy?

What?

I can't drive at night. Your mom takes me.

- My mother? - Yeah.

My mother does you favors?

Christy, it's not a kidney.

It's just a ride to the pharmacy.

Okay. Well, I guess I can take you.

Thank you.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

All right, off we go.

No.

No.

God, no.

Wait.

No.

Okay, we're back to Matlock in Spanish.

You know the worst thing about being in a wheelchair?

Enlighten me.

I'm just so bored.

I have all this energy and nothing to do with it.

It's like my usual sparkle is being wasted.

I wouldn't mind getting a little of that sparkle on me.

What are you talking about?

Really? The sparkle thing wasn't clear?

Look at me. It's not happening.

Oh, it's happening.

Parts of it have already started.

Pull me up. Pull me up.

I'm pulling.

Swivel and slide. Swivel and slide!

Stop flailing.

Oh! Hey, we got it.

The right parts are touching.

We should probably get undressed now.

How about you just tickle my back and we take a nap.

All right.

Just so you know, the light is on.

Oh, thanks, Christy.

Mind if I ask a question?

Why does a blind man need a light bulb?

That was the one.

It helps regulate my circadian rhythms.

Also, I have friends who don't like to sit in the dark.

Oh, yeah. Never thought about that.

Can I ask one more favor?

Sure.

When your mom drops in to fix something,

she usually hangs around and reads to me.

Oh, come on. She does not.