2 Broke Girls

Evening, hot chocolate.

Max, we got big trouble from Little China.

Hi, Max.

Big trouble?

There's nothing big about him. He looks like they won him in a bear claw machine.

Max, what is the worst sentence you ever want to hear come out of Han's mouth?

I got you pregnant?

Come on, bad, bad.

I got you pregnant again?

I'm putting in karaoke.

No! No!

Han...

Those guys better be up there because we're officially putting ass crack on the menu.

I am adding a TV to bring in more customers.

We can have theme nights, Ultimate Fighter nights,

Real Housewives of Bravo City nights,

and best of all, karaoke night.

You can't give hispters a microphone.

That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.

Hipsters like karaoke.

Replace the word "like"

with the word "Hitler"

and you got the three worst things in history.

Max, I hear what you say, but

everybody else say "he-ey!"

All my single ladies!

Okay. Next person is going to sing

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry,

who is pretty now but used to have very horrible acne.

This is the third Teenage Dream in 45 minutes.

Why don't I just close my nuts in the cashier's drawer?

Come on up now, girl named "Stacey."

I got this.

Look, I don't know you, but I like you,

and I respect both hair choices.

I hate karaoke.

I can't afford to have any more hate in my head.

My hate is at capacity.

Sit this one out, I'll comp your cobbler.

What did you do?

I saved Earl's nuts.

Pick up! Hot food. Pick up.

Calm your bells down, Oleg.

Not my station.

Where's Caroline?

Would it make you jealous

if I said she was back here with me?

Jealous? No.

Pissed? Probably, because we're busy

and it would take me all that time

to get the duct tape off her mouth and hands.

What are you doin' in here, Snow White?

If you're lookin' for one of your dwarves,

he's out there, holding the mic.

Look, my bite is off.

See, I did the bite test.

The number seven incisor is crossing over number nine.

Hold up. You know the names of your teeth?

Don't you?

I don't even know the name of my father.

Ow, I just bit my tongue.

Ah! Number 12 just joined the party.

I'd stop doing that right now.

You just made it into Oleg's spank bank.

Congratulations.

What am I gonna do without my bite guard?

My teeth don't know where to go.

Well, maybe the should just backpack for a couple of years,

so they figure it out.

Listen, perfect teeth,

this is a nightmare for me.

The technical term for this is "advanced bruxism."

And the technical term for you is "overly dramatic."

Yesterday you freaked out 'cause we were out of toilet paper.

Just hold it till you get to work like everybody else.

Now, maybe I sing while others wait.

Uh-oh. We got real problems now.

I choose Susan Boyle popular song

from all clips on Internet.

It's called I Dream...

Keep dreaming.

Oh, you're back.

We thought you ran away.

Chestnut and I were just about to pick out

another human from the shelter.

I had quite a day.

8:00 to 10:00... Grind, grind, pain.

10:00 to 11:00... Pain, pain, grind.

So I went to the drug store

and bought an $8 bite guard,

which didn't fit my freaky Tim Burton mouth.

And when I tried to return it,

the cashier, Rhonda,

whose nametag said she was happy to help,

but who was neither happy nor helpful,

said that I couldn't return it

because it had already touched my "teef."

For someone whose jaw is about to unhinge,

you're sure flapping it a lot.

Why is this rag with my father on it here?

Don't look at me. Chestnut bought it.

He likes it when I read him his daily horse-oscope.

Why is everybody so obsessed with the fact that

he hasn't said anything?

Haven't you ever been at a loss for words?

Tampons, yes. Words, nah.

Well, this will make me feel better.

Whenever I'm in pain, I need a treat.

You know, whenever you're in pain, that is my treat.

Sushi! I hope you like crab roll.

I never had sushi.

That doesn't even make sense.

No sushi, no dentist... Who are you?

A poor person.

Sushi's lazy.

If I come to your restaurant,

get up off your ass and cook the damn fish.

I wish we could afford to go to this little sushi place

in Tribeca where my father always took me.

We had this little joke.

Every time we'd walk in, I'd always say...

And we would just laugh!

So you're not funny in Japanese either.

I got this at a corner deli.

The cashier was Japanese.

She said it was good.

Oh, I'm sure it's great.

'Cause the disenfranchised immigrant

serving the spoiled white girl

would have no reason to lie.

Get ready for something heavenly!

That's not heaven.

- Spit it out. - Ugh!

Ugh!

What a disappointment.

Your first time.

Well, that's kinda the way it goes with me and first times.

Here, clean yourself off.

That's exactly the way it goes!

It's not that bad.

It's not that bad. It's not that bad.

No.

For a dentist office in the subway,

it's pretty good.

Seriously, how are you not running out of here?

I have no choice.

Now that I have no money or health insurance,

I have to get used to this third-world situation.

Third-world situation?

This is an underworld situation.

Okay, there's bulletproof glass.

With a bullet in it.

All right, so the glass works.

It says to sign in.

Look, why don't you just

take some of our cupcake business savings

and go to a good dentist office?

You know, one where you won't get a staph infection

just from looking at the floor.

No, we can't do that.

That's our future.

Once we start doing that,

it's a slippery slope.

"Nicole Richie"?

I don't want anyone to know I was here.

I know this situation is less than ideal,

but I am having a dental emergency.

No, he's having a dental emergency.

Come on, let's go over here and see if this man can help me.

Hi.

Welcome to Subway Smiles.

I told ya, we'll get to ya.

I'm sorry, girls.

I'm a little shaky.

I was just shot at.

I have a problem with my teeth migrating.

I have advanced bruxism.

Ah. I have hep C.

Everybody's got their something.

What do you need?

We need to be leaving.

I just need a bite guard.

Oh! I can do that.

That's where I squirt foam into your mouth

and make a mold.

Come in the back.

If you go back there with him,

you'll need a bite guard and a rape guard.

You want the gas?

Is that necessary?

You're gonna want the gas, sweetheart.

Let's get outta here.

One more song before we close.

I sing Spice Girls'.

Aww, tell me what you want,

what you really, really want.

That boy's more stiff

than Michele Bachmann's husband at a Chippendales.

I will give you the money for trip to fancy dentist.

Really? Oleg, you would do that?