The Sweet House of Horrors (La dolce casa degli orrori)

I thought Susie looked terrific tonight, didn't you?

I didn't even know she was there.

The only human being I was aware of through the whole evening was you.

You're such a liar, but I love it.

And I noticed Gino couldn't take his eyes off you either.

Not for an instant.

I swear to god, all I wanted to do was walk over to him and strangle him.

It would have been a pleasure...

Hey, it's great.

- I can't wait to crawl into bed. - Same here.

Sleep is the farthest thing from my mind.

What a coincidence.

I don't have one single sleeping pill.

I'm beginning to see the advantages of insomnia.

May I welcome you home, princess?

Why, thanks a lot, scurvy knave.

Scurvy knave?

I don't know what it means, but it's the right period.

No, but prince will do.

Anyway, since I saw you safe home,

Wouldn't you say I deserve a kiss?

Ah, you have some nerve, young man.

Well, just a down payment, I mean-

Ah, well, in that case...

OK, we have to get serious just for a second and go over some accounts.

We still haven't sent off the check for the kids' school.

Oh yeah, hell, you're right.

I just can't wait to see them again.

Yeah, me too.

I wonder if they've been having a good time up there in the mountains.

Think how many other kids are up there for them to play with.

That's the good part.

And the bad part is how much we missed them, hmm?

Well, it's six months now.

They must have grown at least a yard.

Did I tell you about the letter I found in their room?

What the hell was that?

Oh god!

Stay back, Mary!

Stop it!

No!

Leave him alone!

Help me!

Go away!

Leave me alone!

Mama

- Condolences. - Thank you.

- Good kids. - Thanks for coming.

- George. - Hello, Martha.

Mama.

- Thank you, Jim. - Thank you.

- Okay, there we go. - Daddy...

- You got that? - Yeah.

I didn't know what to do with dig.

You're gonna have to show me.

Let us now pray for the souls of the dearly departed.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son,

And of the Holy Spirit, amen.

May the blessings of the Lord be with them forever and ever.

Dear children, we are gathered here today for a sad event.

Roberto and his beloved wife, Mary, are no longer with us.

They have left this veil of tears.

As you know, a terrible accident has torn them from our love.

Father O'Toole has gone completely dark as far as I'm concerned.

Just as the devil were... it's terrible.

He became senile.

Yes, they will wallow in the Lord's affliction.

That is to say, the Lord's affection.

- Watch Father O'Toole. - Yes, yes, affection.

A fly is crawling right across his nose.

- I had the privilege of knowing- - He made it fly.

- Sarah. - Marco.

Stop that giggling!

Father O'toole has flat feet too.

Can you tell from here? They're hidden.

Whom we have known since they were born and seen grown up.

Grant them eternal rest, O Lord.

Cover them with perpetual light as they rest in peace.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son,

And of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Maybe Mama and Papa are dead...

Because Mama always said that Papa drove like a nut.

Maybe.

Do you think they'll see our little doggy in the sky?

Well, I sure hope they do.

Marky, I bet it's about over.

He was just looking at his watch.

It's about time.

I'm famished.

May they rest in peace.

Amen.

These are your mother's favorite flowers.

She'd like it if you two gave them to her.

They're gonna need you every moment from now on.

It's a great responsibility, but I know you're going to fulfill it.

Come on, boys.

We're late for the Curtis funeral.

We have to put on some speed.

Let's move it.

I'm terribly sorry.

My condolences.

Thank you, Guido.

Condolences.

Thank you.

It was nice of Guido to come.

You remember him, don't you?

Our gardener? Of course I do.

He used to come play with us a lot when we were kids.

Take it easy, darling.

Well, babies, I suppose you're hungry, huh?

Auntie Marcia will go make you something tasty.

No, we're not hungry, Aunt Marcia.

Thanks a lot.

We'd both rather go up to our room.

Come on, Marc.

OK.

Poor babies.

I have the impression that they see us as two strangers.

And they're right.

We've seen so little of them.

It's just...

Maybe it would have been better to leave them in the boarding school.

Kids to play with, keep busy.

They might have wound up suffering less.

A problem, no doubt about it.

But on the other hand,

We are all they have.

Darn it.

We hid Mama's birthday letter right here. I remember it.

I bet she found it after she died and then read it.

But they phoned us just a few hours before the accident.

If she'd found it, she'd have told us.

She found it after she died, I told you.

Hmm.

So you'll be here tomorrow, won't you?

Are you sure?

You won't let yourself get all tied up in town, huh?

Don't worry.

I'll be here tomorrow, I promise you.

Come on, darling.

Don't you think one of the kids might just have left it wound up like that?

When would they have done it?

It's impossible.

They just got here yesterday.

Oh, honey.

Anyway, I don't like this house.

I never did like it. I find it sad and oppressive.

I never understood how Mary could be so happy in it.

And I think it has a negative influence on the kids, too.

Maybe you're right.

I guess we should go live in our house.

We could sell this place and set the money aside for the kids.

There's a real estate agent in town called Coby.

We could talk to him if you like.

We'll call him.

Old man sausage is here.

Oh, yuck.

Ah, a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

Sir, how are you?

Fine, thanks. Just fine.

- It was really nice of you to come out on such short notice. - This is our house.

- Pshhh. - I'll take you on the guided tour.

That's life. What are you going to do?

I'd have to tell you just for openers

That this isn't really your terrific time for selling.

I'll tell you why.

Prices are rising in town, but...

This is a place where folks come on holiday.

In fact, its price would vary with the season.

And again, of course, you must realize,

That this villa is not exactly in perfect condition.

I wouldn't say that.

My dear lady, any buyer wants a house in good condition.

Maybe you're not aware that Mary and Roberto had begun restoration work here about a month ago.

And especially as far as the exterior goes, it was long overdue.

And then they said they were going to begin work on the inside, too.

As I understand it, there's a whole wing of the place...

That can't be used at the moment.

As far as the selling price is concerned,

I assure you I'll get the maximum possible.

I can't promise more than that.

At any rate, I'm sure we can find someone who appreciates this type of place.

After all, the location is beautiful.

The property is large and while it might not be Buckingham Palace...

It has a lot going for it.

Where are they going now?

If I do say so myself, you've come to the right man.

Shh.

I'm sure I'll find a satisfactory deal.

- Just for the record, I take 15% off the top. - Mm-hmm

Uh, these stairs must lead to the roof, right?

That's right.

I'll take a look at the attic.

Ow!

Oh, no!

Oh, god, my leg!

I think it's broken.

- Don't let him move around. - Let's take it easy.

Do something!

It could make things worse.