What We Do in the Shadows

That's the... C-Come here. That's the Baron.

- Come on, Barry. - Come on.

We are so high.

We're on drugblood.

Put the hat on. Oh, yeah...

- Oh! Ugh, no. - Shit.

- I broke his half off. - His bodies' half off.

No, no, no, he's just coming through the floor.

Guillermo?

Help us! Don't just stand there.

I don't think that's Guillermo.

- Guillermo? - No.

N- No, Nandor, that's the StairMaster.

The master of the stairs.

- We fucked up. This is bad. - Where's Guiller...

Guillermo!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God...

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

We are gathered here tonight in our backyard

to commemorate the second death of the Baron.

We are having a ceremony

to commemorate the Baron's passing.

Problem is, though,

we don't remember how he died,

because we were absolutely

messed up on drugblood.

And as a sign of respect, we have decided to bury you

betwixt my two favorite vaginas:

that of my wife and my mother.

Baron, such a wonderful, filthy times

we did have.

What a way

to live your life after death,

and what a way to die.

Did we murder him?

We, um, we might have floated the idea

of murdering him, but we didn't do it.

Did we?

Oh, I think something awful happened.

Fuck.

Maybe we should keep this under our hats.

If any vampires find out about this,

then it...

Give the Baron his last sip.

Of course.

So just get him in.

- Yep. - Goodbye, Baron.

Master, there's a raven looking at us.

It is a bad omen. It means that

bad luck is approaching.

Hey, gang.

What's up? Oh!

Oh, my God.

Did-did you guys kill him?

No! No one murdered him. - No! What... He was just... - We found him in there.

I'm just giving you guff.

And, uh, just so you know, I am feeding on you guys right now.

You can be such a prick, Colin.

I have heard that.

Shit. The Baron's familiar.

There's more ravens. They're giving me the shits.

Guillermo, shield us from the ravens.

The sky is filled with them.

- No, let's just go inside. - Let's go inside.

Fill the hole. Keep filling.

But the ravens...

They're everywhere!

There are ravens all over the front lawn now, too.

They're trying to frighten us. But it won't work.

Aah! What is going on?

Master. - Aah! - Ay yai yai.

There's a floating woman on the front porch.

She needs to talk to you.

You have been summoned...

to appear before the Vampiric Council

at the Temple of Blood-Devourers.

Could you not have just telephoned?

We sent ravens.

We sent 500 ravens!

Yes, but we have a telephone.

I'm shocked and appalled that you didn't raven us back.

We didn't know how.

You just say, "Raven, we will be there.

Thank you. Fly."

You've been invited.

Couldn't you just have telephoned?

The Vampiric Council is a very ancient organization.

Very powerful. And, apparently,

very scary.

They travel from all corners of the globe

to administer supreme and final justice

upon any vampire

who's violated the Vampiric Code.

Laszlo was very nearly summoned when he turned a baby

into a vampire, which is a big no-no.

It's true. You're not supposed to do that.

But, to be honest, I was bored.

I gave it to an acquaintance in the Bronx,

where, I believe,

it remains to this day.

That baby would be about 90 years old now.

You really fucked up there.

I certainly did.

Maybe we should visit it.

I'd rather not.

Here it is.

Okay, so, obviously, we are all on edge.

This could be about anything,

so we must say nothing about you-know-what. - Obviously.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

It is that woman.

I think she wants us to come inside.

Hello again.

Follow me.

So glad you could make it.

Oh.

Enter.

How did she do that?

Oh.

And we're here.

And follow me.

How does she do that?

The Tribunal have gathered in the Chamber of Judgment,

and there you'll be put on trial.

Why does this hallway never end?

Well, it's just a freaky-long hallway.

I thought the Council was bigger than that.

- Maybe we can battle them. - Shh!

Enter.

Not the human.

Vampire-only trial, Guillermo.

What will happen to me?

Oh, you'll see.

Sorry, I have a...

little blood bubble in my throat.

You'll see...

a room at the end of the hallway

for the familiars.

Ludwig will take you to the familiar lounge.

Ludwig. Ludwig.

Ludwig!

I'll just do it. Follow me.

Watch your step.

I don't have to, I glide.

Good evening, Your Excellencies.

This is Vasillika the Defiler.

Hello.

And I am...

Garrett.

Garrett the...

The vampire.

Simple. Nice.

Hi, Garrett the vampire.

Now, what happened with the Baron?

- He's dead. - Oh...

- Sorry, everyone. - It w... We didn't make him dead.

- No, it's true. - It was a misunderstanding.

Um, as a joke, we said, "Why not kill the Baron?"

And if you were there at the time,

you, too, would have laughed. Yes.

Now we realize that it was probably a stupid thing to say,

and we are truly sorry,

and we're taking this very seriously.

And these are our serious faces.

Serious, serious, serious.

Follow.

What are you doing?

I'm warming my face. It's so cold in here.

Well, it's an LED light.

- Oh. - There's no way we could have fire.

The fire marshals would have a fit.

I have to say

we are deeply moved

by your story, and-and maybe it's just me,

but I don't think you're guilty at all.

- Vasillika? - Mm, no,

I don't think you sound guilty.

I- I think... they might let you go.

Sorry, what do you mean by "they"?

The Vampiric Council.

You're not the Vampiric Council?

Oh.

No. No, we're...

- we're prisoners here. - No, we have

- been imprisoned in this boring room - Oh...

for... 1,000 years?

- Oh, it's really awful. - Since 1932.

Mm.

That's not 1,000 years.

What-what year is it?

It's 2019.

We have been here for 90 years.

- Oh, shit. - What did you do?

Oh, me? Too much defiling.

They say I turned a baby into a vampire

and left it in the Bronx.

Who would do such a thing? If I ever find out who did it,

I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times

with this hand, switch hands, and stab them

another 5,000 times!