Hogan's Heroes

Ah... ah, here's our fine chef.

Corporal... do you know

for whom you have the honor

of cooking tonight, huh?

General Wexler and his aide, Captain Richter.

I'm so thrilled I may cry into the champignons.

Champignon-- "mushroom," of course.

These French are so emotional.

Now, Corporal, what is

the pièce de résistance tonight, huh?

Tournedos Rossini et les pommes de terre frites.

Meat and French-fried potatoes.

It loses a little something in the translation.

The sergeant eats first?

Some local tradition?

Uh, no, no.

You see, our very fine chef

is also a very dangerous prisoner,

and I think it is wise

to have a food taster around just in case.

I risk my life for the Fatherland.

And gain a few pounds on the way.

Mmm, wunderbar, Kommandant, wunderbar.

Not a sign of poison.

Excellent!

You see, whenever Schultz does not fall down,

it is safe.

Providing he falls in the other direction.

Proceed, proceed, Herr General, please sit down.

Danke schön. Danke.

A food taster--

no detail escapes you, Colonel.

You have command thinking.

Thank you, Captain, thank you.

Commandant?

Yes, please.

Thank you, Sergeant. thank you.

Everything under control, Captain?

Danke.

Cor blimey, you scared me half to death.

Sorry.

Richter's very, very messy with his papers.

Well, just find them.

I'm looking.

Having a proper bash out there, are they?

Klink's still bucking for promotion.

Good luck to him, the silly old sod.

Oh, here we are-- these look interesting.

Yeah...

Yeah, that's great.

Okay, I'll see you.

What do you mean?

Get back here quickly--

I got to replace these.

I know.

Ah, I think a little bit more wine might be in order.

Thank you.

You have another dinner party

going on in the camp?

Oh, no, Herr General.

I send a little of the food to our senior POW officer.

A little bribe for permitting us to use his, uh, chef.

Oh, very good, yeah.

Anything, Colonel?

Yeah, mostly low-grade stuff.

A new ball-bearing factory,

locations of two ack-ack units--

all this we've already seen.

Well, I don't understand it.

Richter gave us the signal to go ahead.

He's given us good intelligence before.

I guess even traitors have their bad days.

Colonel...

there's a note on this one.

Hmm...

"Next dinner, same procedure.

Plans... for West Wall underwater obstacles."

That could be interesting.

Hmm, if he delivers.

Yeah, well, let's pay him for this stuff anyway.

How are things going over at the festival?

Boy, is Klink working for that promotion.

Can you imagine him making general?

Yeah, how would Klink look

with a red stripe on his pants?

Like a bald-headed Kraut

with a red stripe on his pants.

Not the greatest information we ever had,

but pass it along.

Oui, colonel.

A courier will meet me tomorrow or the next day.

We have a pretty hot contact,

General Wexler's aide.

He promised us something important next time.

Bonne chance.

Oh, one moment, Colonel, there is one more thing.

It concerns Louis and myself.

Me? Mm-hmm.

Would you two like to be alone?

General De Gaulle has broadcast an important message

to Frenchmen all over the world.

He's ordered that we pass it on.

What did he say?

I wrote part of it down.

"We have reached a crisis

"in the fight to regain our precious homeland.

"I now call upon Frenchmen everywhere.

"Rally to the tricolore.

"Come to England,

"and together as free Frenchmen

"we will liberate our homeland.

France and I await you."

Vive la France.

Vive la liberté.

Vive la France.

Vive De Gaulle.

Old Charlie sure knows how to get people home.

You off to England then, Marie?

No, my work is here; I will stay.

De Gaulle does not need women.

That's new kind of Frenchman.

Mon colonel?

Yes, Louis.

Marie stays, but I, Louis LeBeau, am going.

Vive LeBeau.

Vive la France.

You can't take off just like that;

it isn't done.

Watch me.

Oh, come on, Louis, you know you'll miss us

and the Krauts and the lice and the stinking food

and the bloody awful weather.

What about all that?

What about it?

Need a man to carry your chafing dish?

Hey, come on, look, buddy,

you don't seem to realize,

you've been fighting for France

right here, right along with us.

True, I have done my duty here--

I have killed the enemy, sabotaged him,

blown up his guns, been captured by the Gestapo,

risked my life to defeat the Boche.

Now my own people ask for me.

Et voilà, it's time to go.

Louis, I don't blame you one little bit.

He has a point, Colonel.

Point is, you are fighting, Louis.

And what happens après la guerre?

What?

After the war.

I find a girl, get married, we have a child

and the baby says to me,

"Hey, what did you do in the war, Papa?"

And I must answer, "I made crêpes Suzette."

Lie to the kid.

LeBeau, if you go,

we'll have to tell Klink you've escaped.

Then his record is ruined.

The Krauts might replace him

and really give us a hard commandant;

then we're out of business.

Very simple, Colonel, replace me.

Find another Frenchman your size who can cook?

That would be a problem.

Good luck with it.

Aw, come on, LeBeau, be reasonable.

We got this thing going with Richter.

So?

The next time he comes to dinner with Wexler,

he's going to bring us

the West Wall underwater obstacle plans.

Oh là là...

You don't care?

Of course I do.

Write me all about it

in care of the Free French, London.

I could order you to stay, LeBeau.

With all due respect, sir,

you are a colonel, De Gaulle is a general.

He's also taller.

Don't you care anything about this place?

Nothing.

All the fun we've had, all the laughs.

Ha! It's been hilarious.

Especially that time when the Gestapo

had me strung up by my thumbs

and was ready to torture me.

Everybody has bad days.

LeBeau, I'm really shocked by your attitude.

You're making it very difficult for me, Colonel.

I'm trying.

I realize that cooking for this Kraut general is important.

Without you, we haven't got a chance.

Voilà, I can solve the problem:

Before I leave, I will teach one of the others to cook.

Are you kidding, LeBeau?

You seem to miss the whole idea of the war.

We're fighting the Germans, not each other.

LeBEAU: All right.