Heart Eyes

Patrick.

Adeline.

This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever.

This place...

it's just so gorge.

Of course it is, babe.

-You picked it! -I picked it!

Oh.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

What the hell?

I told you not to put it in my food.

-Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Sorry, I-- -It's fine. Keep going.

Uh...

Adeline Delilah Garrett.

You're smart.

You're beautiful.

And perhaps most important of all,

you make me think.

You're my person and I can't imagine my life without you.

Will you marry me?

Yes. A million times, yes!

Why are you calling me right now?

I didn't get it.

What the fuck do you mean you didn't get it?

Yeah, I'm sorry, dude.

There was a couple of sun flares and, like...

Um, could you maybe do it again or...

Why, yes. Let me re-propose to my fucking girlfriend

so you can do your job right.

-Technically she's your fiancée. -Don't get cute with me.

Do it right this time or I'll fucking end you...

-on Yelp. -Okay, cool, thanks.

I'll talk to you later. I'm not even on Yelp, dick.

Uh, speech, speech, speech. Lovey, lovey-dovey.

Uh, and, uh...

Will you marry me?

Yes. A million times, yes.

Just one second.

Give me that. Hello?

Nico the Photo Guy. Leave a message.

Are you fucking

kidding... me?

Oh, no!

Hello?

You listen here, asshole.

I have been planning this day my whole life...

and you fucking killed him!

You messed with the wrong bride.

You hear me?

You messed with the wrong fu--

Whoa.

Ma'am, you can't be here.

-What are you doing? -He's trying to kill me!

Hey, buddy, you wanna tell me what's going on?

Wait. Stop! Drop the knife, asshole!

Somebody! Please!

Oh, shoot.

Take that, you motherfucker!

Go away!

You go away!

You go away!

You go away!

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. Please!

Hey! Hey!

No!

No!

No!

It's Valentine's Day

and the nation is once again on high alert.

For the past two years, a masked maniac

known as the Heart Eyes Killer...

...or HEK, as authorities call him for short,

has emerged on a day meant for romance

to target, hunt and brutally kill couples.

HEK seems to target cities at random.

From a blood-soaked rampage

in the Boston area two years ago...

...as well as a second killing spree,

which left several dead in Philadelphia just last year.

Even though he's after couples in love,

let me be perfectly clear about this...

He will kill anyone who gets in his way.

...leaving Americans once again plagued with anxiety

on Cupid's holiday asking the question...

Where will the Heart Eyes Killer strike next?

Do you expect the Heart Eyes Killer

to kill your Valentine's Day plans?

Who the hell makes Valentine's Day plans?

Yeah, this holiday sucks ass, dude.

-Literally. -Valentine...

I ain't even low-key scared.

The HEK ain't got nothin' on me. You know...

Oh, shut up, Dylan. You're afraid of the dark.

No, I don't.

-The Heart Eyes Killer-- -So glad I'm single.

I'm gonna celebrate inside.

That dude hunts you.

...rubbing your shitty PDA all up in our faces.

He only kills straight people, I think.

Whether you're with a partner or looking for love,

stay vigilant this Valentine's Day.

Shit!

-Nice one, dipshits. -Got a cappuccino here.

Hope Cupid shoots you in the dick.

Caramel soy latte for Monica!

-Oh, that's me. -Okay, yeah. There.

Why do you look so stressed?

Is it 'cause you're single again on Valentine's Day?

No, I'm... No, I'm stressed

because Crystal just called

an all-hands meeting and the subject of her email

literally says "Ally's Campaign."

-Mm, I saw that. -So I'm fucked.

Okay, worst-case scenario,

you get fired and you never work another day in your life. Hmm?

Worst-case scenario, Crystal wears my skin as a pantsuit.

Best-case scenario, you got nice skin though.

Boop. You know what? Whatever.

If you go down, I'll go down with you, okay?

We'll Thelma and Louise this shit.

Large iced blended Americano

with oat milk, two honey, one sugar.

-Mm. -Oh.

Sorry, are you sure that's yours?

Yes, that is definitely mine.

No one else would order...

...a large iced blended Americano

with oat milk, two honey, one sugar.

Sugar. Yeah. Look at that. Wow.

Guess we're coffee mates.

-Nice dad joke. -Thanks.

I thought I was the only one in the world with

the obnoxious coffee order.

It's a pretty common order actually.

Can you guys move? We're busy.

Yes.

He's hot!

Hey, can I interest you in one of these guys?

Oh, no, I'm okay. Thanks. I carry my own.

-Oh. Metal straw. -I hate paper straws.

They just turn into mush in, like, three seconds.

Yeah, no. I totally get what you're saying.

Let's put all the coffee in a plastic cup,

but, hey, as long as the straw is paper, planet saved.

Planet saved.

-Oh, sugar though. Want one? -Yeah.

A little slow poison for the pancreas.

-Oh. Oh! -Oh. Ooh!

-I'm sorry. No, I'm-- -I'm sorry. No, I'm--

Sorry.

-I got it. It's okay. -No, it's totally--

-Oh! Fucking Jesus Murphy! -Shit! Oh, my God. Are you okay?

-Yeah. Am I? -Oh, my God. You're bleeding!

-Uh, here. Shit. -Oh-- Uh, thank you for that.

Bye. Um, I'm gonna go. I'll see you at work, Mon.

Sorry. She's getting fired today.

Exactly one year

after a Valentine's Day massacre

left three couples dead in Boston

and four couples dead in Philadelphia,

the Heart Eyes Killer has come to Seattle.

Four victims have now been claimed at a winery,

ending one dream engagement

in a nightmare.

Chief Hartley, is this the work of the Heart Eyes Killer?

That's not confirmed at this point,

but given the pattern of targeting couples

on Valentine's Day, we suspect it's the work of HEK.

What do you have to say to all those couples out there

planning to celebrate Valentine's Day?

Stay home.

Well.

This is quite a pickle.

Why didn't a single one of you

tell me that there is a maniac

running around slaughtering people

on Valentine's Day these last couple years?

Tommy?

Not a single one of you.

This campaign is certainly ill-timed.

Wouldn't you say so, missy?

Uh... Um...

-I mean-- -You know, Crystal, um,

how you always tell us

that relevance is really important in our pitches?

Well, I personally believe that Ally's campaign is very "now."

Monica, thank you so much.

If you could do me a huge favor. Shut the fuck up.

Tommy?

"Wow. Profiting off the death of couples to sell rings."

"Speechless."

-"This is disgusting." -I'll say.

"What did I just watch?"

"Straight-up tacky."

"Someone find out who made this and dox their ignorant ass."

-I mean, it just-- it goes on. -I'm sure it does.

Ally, I'm worried about your safety.