The Shards

Disco? Dead. Don't do that. Never that ever again.

The '80s are about fluidity. It's all about being loose and the flow.

All right. This is what I want you to do.

Learning to dance.

Super easy. Yeah?

It's all about being in your body. Yeah?

What is that?

It's Belinda Carlisle's trademark move. I saw her do it at The Roxy.

Come on. Uh?

Come on. Get up, get up. Let's do it.

Try it. Try it in the mirror.

Hmm. Up.

Yeah.

I don't know. I don't... I don't wanna do that.

It's kind of gay, don't you think?

You know what? You know what's gonna work for you?

- Pocket dancing. - Pocket dancing?

All you need is an oversized jacket.

And then you can be that guy, you know?

It's the life raft for the uncoordinated man.

Who can accuse you of being stiff when the whole point is to be stiff?

Look, I don't wanna do this!

I don't wanna go on some stupid dance show and embarrass myself on television.

The entire situation is ludicrous, but we don't really have a choice, do we?

Mr. Schaffer set the whole thing up.

You're just gonna have to find a dance style that works for you.

He's a really good dancer, man.

- Who is? - Robert.

You saw him. Even when he's losing his mind, he's got moves.

Susan's gonna wish she was dancing with him instead of me.

And that will be the beginning of the end.

Susan loves you, Thom.

Yeah, and my dad loved my mom.

Until he left her for somebody better.

Robert isn't any better than you.

In fact, we don't even know who Robert really is.

He's sophisticated.

He knows about sailboats and garnishes and "Prowst."

It's… Proust, but I understand why someone would say "Prowst."

I think he's gonna hurt her.

I feel it.

I can't let that happen.

I'd do anything for her. To keep her safe, to keep her with me.

- I'd... - You'd kill for her.

I would.

I'm worried about you, Thom.

Ever since the other night at the party with the crazy cult guy…

You've been acting strange.

What are you trying to say, Bret?

I don't know.

I just feel like there's something going on that I don't know about.

Help me understand.

Hmm?

You can let me in.

I'm a friend.

I know.

I'm just stressed about the dance-off. That's it.

Okay. All right.

Let's try something else.

Um… Okay. I think…

…this is gonna be a little more your speed.

Super simple. Robot.

She's so romantic. I don't think you can pull it off.

I mean, it's slutty, but it's good.

You can do that.

Ah. Pearls, pearls.

I mean, hair and fur. What else do you want?

I don't know, Steven.

I need to stand out.

I… want drama.

Trust me. Pastels are where the '80s are headed.

But… …you don't want someone with vision styling you for the show,

then you can just walk yourself into a Sears

and tell those pug dogs at the counter to hose you down

with all the brown corduroy they've got.

Here. This is it.

Claude Montana. Headpiece, shoulders, waist, peplum, harem. Perfect.

No.

No.

Steven, what is Cha Cha doing in your purse?

- To remind you what's at stake. - That is my Dance Off! competition.

I am aware of that. And she has style, which you don't.

And you need to get a heap of it.

She's trash. She's poor.

Compare, then flair.

Okay, seriously?

Debbie, you can't just do coke out in the open at Hamburger Hamlet.

Oh, what's the big deal? Everybody's doing it.

It's practically a vitamin.

By the way, Steven…

I'm low.

What does it mean that my life has become hours of laminating at Kinko's

and weekly expeditions down to Pico to buy blow

for a commandeering little girl?

I surely deserve better.

- I want half a gram. -

- Fine. - Fine.

- Scoot. Scoot. -

Wedge salad, hold the dressing.

And a loaded Reuben with thick-cut fries.

- Thank you. - Enjoy.

I don't know how you stay so thin.

You look terrific, Debbie. Just try and be happy with yourself.

I will be happy once I win Dance Off!

And everyone in this town sees that I did it all by myself

without any help from anyone.

I won't stress. It's just some dance show.

I'm just gonna have a good time and do my thing.

Your thing is that you win.

It's true. You win everything.

So, just don't win this one thing for once.

I wasn't planning on it.

Don't pretend like you aren't strategic, Susan.

God, Debbie. Where is this coming from?

You must really hate me.

You get the body, the guy, you're gonna win homecoming queen.

In case you haven't noticed, the new guy likes you.

- Who? Robert? - Mm-hmm.

He doesn't like me.

For someone who looks in the mirror all the time,

you really don't look in the mirror, do you?

I think you need to get some perspective, Debbie,

and take a deep breath.

I know we're best friends, Susan.

Sometimes I really could just murder you.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

- Where's Thom? - He has the flu.

Yeah, there's a serious case of the "I can't dance" going around.

Stop it. We are here to have fun.

Well, I'm gonna win this thing if it's the last thing I do.

Good luck with that.

Oh, oh.

Fuck!

Cup my balls. Say my name. Cup my balls. Say my name, say my name.

Come on. Fuck.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Ah.

Ah…

Holy shit. Like Mount Saint Helens in here.

Oh.

You're getting very good at that, young lady.

Yeah, about that…

Oh.

By my calculation, and I'm getting an A in algebra,

I've given you 50 blow jobs and fucked you six times in the past three months.

That's great. So?

So, it's time you tell your wife about us, Tony.

Or I will.

What?

I'm sorry. This is the best we've ever looked.

I second that.

Look at the kids. Look at the kids!

- Hi, Daddy. - Wow, baby. Ooh!

- Look at you. Stunning. - Hmm.

Bret.

- Hi. - What's that?

Twenty-dollar bills.

Bribes for me to give the cameramen.

That's just to assure that you get plenty of camera time to show off your moves.

Not that you won't take that title on your own.

Love you, Daddy.

Love you.

Um… do you wanna go practice?

Come on. We have got to focus.

Wow.

Look at 'em. It's all in front of them.

Because the way that you're holding me is making me look big. Here.

I was that young once.

Yeah. During the Pleistocene era.

- Figure it out. - Okay.

I want it all the way over there, and then I want you to pull me in.

We're gonna go to the middle, we're gonna do three spins…

Shit.

Showtime, motherfuckers.

It's the first week of October 1981.

- And this is Dance Off! -

Now, let's meet some of this week's dancers.

Hi. I'm Bret. I like Joan Didion, and I wanna be a writer.

Hi. I'm Debbie, and I'm gonna rule the world.

Hi. I'm Susan. I'd like to pursue a career in the legal arts.

I'm Robert. I like trying new hair products like gel and mousse

and studying the philosophies of Kahlil Gibran.

Hi. I'm Cha Cha. I've been Groover of the Week three months in a row,

and I'm gonna win it again tonight.

And I'm Tony Cruz, host of Dance Off!

All right.

This week, boy, it's an exciting one.

We're dancing down the hottest hits in the land, featuring the Griffins.