M*A*S*H

ATTENTION. YEAH?

ALL PERSONNEL TAKING PART IN THE MODEL YACHT RACE REPORT TO THE CESSPOOL.

IF I WEREN'T SO BEAT, I'D GO. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE INTERESTED IN MODEL BOATS.

I'M NOT, BUT THE BEACH AT THE CESSPOOL IS SO LOVELY THIS TIME OF DAY.

WE COULD HUNT FOR SHELLS.

OR KIDNEY STONES. HOW'S IT COMING?

TWO MORE AND MY SISTER'S NECKLACE IS FINISHED.

SIRS? RADAR, YOU'RE TALKING IN OUR SLEEP.

COLONEL BLAKE SAYS HE WANTS TO SEE YOUSE BOTH ON THE DOUBLE.

IT'S IMPORTANT. DOESN'T HENRY KNOW IT'S A HOLIDAY?

AARON BURR'S BIRTHDAY. WHO'S AARON BURR?

AARON BURR, THE GUY THAT SHOT JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

"FROM MAJOR GENERAL BARTFORD HAMILTON STEELE, U. S. A.

"ITEM ONE. ALL PERSONNEL REGARDLESS OF RANK...

WILL FALL OUT AT 0600 HOURS DAILY FOR ONE-HALF HOUR OF CALISTHENICS."

CALISTHENICS! HENRY...

CALISTHENICS IS A GOOD IDEA. WE'RE ALL IN BAD CONDITION.

I, FOR ONE, AM VERY SOFT.

IS THAT TRUE, FRANK?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, UH, I PROMISED TO BLESS A GOAT CART.

SOME FOLKS DOWN THE ROAD ARE GOING INTO BUSINESS FOR THEMSELVES.

"ITEM TWO." SIR.

I FOUND THE CALISTHENICS MANUAL.

- THANK YOU, KLINGER. - I LIKE YOUR BLOUSE.

- NOT TOO DARING? - A LITTLE HAIRY.

THIS GENERAL STEELE SEEMS LIKE A NEW GUY TRYING TO MAKE POINTS.

ANOTHER POUND OF CHICKEN DOO.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, CAPTAIN, THE ENTIRE STEELE FAMILY IS IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA AMERICANA!

OH, IT'S A VERY FAMOUS MARYLAND FAMILY.

THREE BROTHERS, ALL OF 'EM GENERALS, WEST POINT GRADS.

ONE OF 'EM IS A U. S. SENATOR, AND ONE WAS THE FIRST VOLUNTEER...

TO BE BITTEN BY A MOSQUITO IN THE PANAMA CANAL.

BIT HIM RIGHT ON THE LOCKS.

COLONEL, IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I GO OUT AND START THE EXERCISES?

I'M DYING TO GET INTO A SIZE NINE.

FINE, KLINGER, JUST GO.

OH. THANK YOU, SIR.

AT LEAST THERE'S SOMEONE AROUND HERE WITH A LITTLE SANITY.

"ITEM TWO." - CHOPPER, SIR.

WHAT CHOPPERS? WHERE CHOPPERS?

MORTARS, MARTY? OUTSIDE OF TAEJON, TRAP.

HE'S GONNA NEED A TON OF BLOOD. YES, DOCTOR.

- WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME, DOC? - LET'S GO.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A MANICURE, A HAIR SET AND A RINSE.

OKAY. COME ON. WATCH IT.

GOT HIM? GOT HIM.

LENNOX HILL HOSPITAL, SEVENTY-FIRST AND THIRD. STEP ON IT!

THIS KID WAS A MESS.

GIMME SOME MORE 0-GENERAL SILK. COME ON! REVERSE THE NEEDLE.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT, DOCTOR.

THIS KID DIDN'T FALL OFF HIS BIKE!

I WANNA GET HIM OFF THIS TABLE AND INTO THE RECOVERY ROOM.

- TAKE IT EASY, HAWK. - HE MUST BE 17 YEARS OLD.

HE OUGHT TO BE IN THE SODA SHOP, READING DIRTY MAGAZINES.

HOW'S IT GOING? BETTER. WE GOT THE BLEEDING STOPPED.

WE'RE CLOSING NOW. - GOOD.

MAN, MORE STUFF'S COMING IN FROM HEADQUARTERS.

NEW ORDERS, REGULATIONS. READ THAT FIRST ONE, RADAR.

UH, YES, SIR.

"THE WINNERS OF THE MODEL YACHT RACE AT THE CESSPOOL ARE..." NOT THAT, RADAR.

LET HIM READ IT. I HAVEN'T SEEN A SPORTS PAGE IN MONTHS.

"FIRST PLACE WENT TO PRIVATE NORMAN POLONSKY,

"WITH HIS YACHT THE AMERICAN BEAUTY DREAM,

CORNCOB CONSTRUCTION WITH TOILET PAPER SAILS."

AH, THAT POLONSKY HAS THE SEA IN HIS BLOOD.

- MORE 3-0 SILK. - YES, DOCTOR.

"SECOND PRIZE TO CORPORAL TIMOTHY McINERNY...

"FOR HIS CLIPPER, THE EVANGELINE,

CARVED FROM A POUND CAKE HIS MOTHER SENT HIM SIX MONTHS AGO."

I HOPE HE DOESN'T INVITE US FOR DESSERT.

"THE REMAINDER OF THE CONTESTANTS DIDN'T FINISH,

DUE TO A SUDDEN UNDERTOW AFTER BREAKFAST."

GIMME THAT, RADAR. I'M TELLIN' YA, THERE'S GONNA BE SOME CHANGES.

LISTEN TO THIS FROM GENERAL STEELE.

"AS OF THIS DATE, UNIFORM REGULATIONS WILL BE STRICTLY ENFORCED.

INDIVIDUAL VARIATIONS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED."

NOW, SOME OF THE STUFF YOU GUYS ARE WEARING IS OUT.

I MEAN, IT'S STRICTLY G.I. FROM NOW ON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS GUY STEELE?

MAJOR HOULIHAN AND I ARE NEVER OUT OF UNIFORM.

YOU MEAN ON PURPOSE?

THAT'S IT.

PUT A DRESSING ON.

UH, SIR, YOU'RE FORGETTING THE BIGGIE. WHAT?

THE BIG ONE. OH, YEAH.

HEY, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS, GUYS.

GENERAL STEELE IS GONNA HEADQUARTER HERE FOR A WEEK.

WHY HERE? FOR THE WATERS.

HE'S LOOKING OVER THE AREA, CHECKING EVERY OUTFIT IN I-CORPS.

WE'VE GOTTA SHAPE UP.

THE BOSS IS COMING TO DINNER. I THINK I SAW THIS SHOW.

HAIRCUTS, SHOES SHINED, UNIFORMS CLEANED AND PRESSED...

WHO'S GONNA PRESS UNIFORMS?

THE MOTOR POOL. THEY'LL RUN OVER THEM A FEW TIMES.

HEY, COME ON, TROOPS. WE'RE ON THE SPOT HERE. WE GOTTA CLEAN UP THE WHOLE PLACE.

WHAT ABOUT THE PIGSTY WE LIVE IN? MY PART IS NEAT AND TIDY.

BUT THE OTHER TWO PARTIES, WHO SHALL BE NAMELESS, LIVE LIKE SWINE.

- PIERCE. - McIntyre.

THE SWINE BROTHERS.

OH, MAN, RADAR, BEFORE I FORGET... KLINGER.

KLINGER SHOULDN'T WEAR DRESSES, AND NO SKIRTS. YES, SIR. NO DRESSES.

THANK YOU, NURSE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

HOW'S HE DOING? STABLE, DOCTOR.

HMM? STABLE, DOCTOR.

ALL RIGHT. KEEP THE BLOOD GOING. YES, DOCTOR.

HEY, DOC? AM I GONNA HAVE A BAD SCAR?

NO, NO, YOU'LL HAVE A BEAUTY. "Z," LIKE ZORRO.

WATCH IT! DON'T LAUGH FOR THREE DAYS.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BIARRITZ IN JUNE? SORRY.

BADEN-BADEN IN JULY? UH-UH.

MONTE CARLO IN THE FALL? 'FRAID NOT.

HOW ABOUT THE MATTRESS SUPPLY ROOM THURSDAY NIGHT? OKAY.

I'll BRING THE SALTINES.

STAY AWAY FROM MY MEDICAL MAGAZINES, FRANK. I JUST GOT 'EM.

"THE JOY OF NUDITY."

NAKED PEOPLE PLAYING VOLLEYBALL? DO YOU PARTICIPATE IN THIS SORT OF THING?

IT'S A TAX SHELTER. YOU CAN DEDUCT YOUR SNEAKERS AND DEODORANT.

- DISGUSTING! - I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

HOLD IT, FRANK! TOUCH THAT STILL, I'll PUT KNOTS IN YOUR DENTAL FLOSS.

JUST SO IT'S UNDERSTOOD I HAVE NO PART OF IT.

ATTENTION. ATTENTION, PLEASE.

GENERAL STEELE IS ARRIVING AT 1000 HOURS. THAT'S ONLY A FEW MINUTES.

OH, DEAR! OH, DEAR!

ATTENTION, FIVE MINUTES TO GENERAL STEELE.

RADAR! RADAR? SIR.

OH. I GOT THESE NEW FATIGUES AND CAP AND EVERYTHING...

FROM THE SUPPLY SERGEANT.

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

OH, YOU LOOK VERY NICE, SIR. THANK YOU. ANY TAGS OR ANYTHING?

HOLD IT. WHAT IS IT?

"DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG UNDER PENALTY OF FEDERAL CODE 764-J."

BOY, YOU GET ME IN TROUBLE, AND I'M GONNA HAVE YOUR KEISTER.

YES, SIR.

OH, HELL! THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE AGAIN.

SIR, IT'S NOT THE KITCHEN. IT'S GENERAL STEELE! HE JUST PULLED UP.

MENTION THE TAG, AND I'll KILL YOU.

AM I PERFECT? I WANNA BE PERFECT. WET YOUR LIPS.

GENERAL, SIR. WELCOME TO MASH 4077th.

LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE COMMANDING.

PERFECT.

UH, CAN I HELP YOU WITH THE DOOR, GENERAL?

I READ ABOUT THESE NEW SNAPS IN THE, UH, SNAP BULLETIN I GOT THERE.

I'M SORRY, GENERAL.

SIXTY-TWO YEARS OLD, AND FIT TO PLAY HALFBACK AT THE POINT.

- HIKE. - RIGHT.

SERGEANT? WHAT KIND OF A FORMATION IS THIS, COLONEL?

JUST THE GANG, SIR. CALL FORMATION.

HMM? HAVE THE COMPANY FALL IN.

RIGHT. COMPANY, FALL IN.

OFFICERS IN FRONT... OFFICERS IN FRONT.

ENLISTED PERSONNEL IN THE REAR. SHALL WE INSPECT THE TROOPS, COLONEL?

RIGHT, GENERAL. RADAR... UH, AFTER YOU, GENERAL.

AT ALL TIMES.

SOMETHING, GENERAL? I'M A BIT SURPRISED.

SIR, THE TAG JUST FELL OFF. HONEST.

BEAR LEFT AND A PACE BEHIND! YES, SIR.

MY SECOND-IN-COMMAND, MAJOR FRANK BURNS.

TRIM THE HAIR IN YOUR NOSE! GOT THAT, SERGEANT DONOVAN?

YES, SIR. YOU GAVE HIM AN "N," GENERAL?

NOSTRIL. I'll KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

OUR HEAD NURSE, MAJOR MARGARET HOULIHAN, SIR.

GUT IN, CHEST OUT!

BLACKJACK PERSHING, 1915.

OH, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE THE SERGEANT TO WRITE THAT DOWN? IT ISN'T NOTEWORTHY.

UH, DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN. HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS.

THIS IS OUR CHAPLAIN, LIEUTENANT FATHER MULCAHY.

THERE ARE NO ATHEISTS IN FOXHOLES!

I'VE HEARD THAT.

I'D LIKE TO SEE A SHINE ON THAT CROSS, FATHER.

THIS IS MY COMPANY CLERK, CORPORAL O'REILLY.

THE IRISH WERE ROTTEN INDIAN FIGHTERS. NONCOMS.

THE BACKBONE OF THE SERVICE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON? IOWA, SIR.

NO TALKING IN RANKS!

SIR! NOT NOW, RADAR.

SIR! WHAT IS IT?

00!

OH, NO.

NOT NOW, MARJORIE. I'M INSPECTING THE TROOPS.

YOU NEEDED ME FOR SOMETHING? YES, DOCTOR.

WELL, I GOT DRAFTED AS SOON AS I COULD.

THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT ELEVATION IN HIS TEMPERATURE.

ANY OTHER PROBLEMS? HE'S COMPLAINING OF ABDOMINAL PAINS.

MM-HMM.

- HIYA, DOC. - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SICK AT ATTENTION.

AHH, I TOLD YOU NOT TO LAUGH FOR THREE DAYS.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL? - SO-SO.

STICK AROUND.

HE COULD BE DEVELOPING AN ABSCESS.

START HIM ON PENICILLIN. 600,000 UNITS, I-M Q-6-H.

RIGHT. DID YOU GET THE SALTINES?

I COULD ONLY GET RY-KRISP, BUT I'M SALTING THEM DOWN.

YOU'RE VERY THOROUGH. I THINK YOU'LL FIND I'M PRETTY MUCH ALL BUSINESS.

- YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS. - LOVE YOUR UNIFORM.

SURPLUS, FROM MONTEZUMA'S ARMY.

YOU BETTER NOT BUMP INTO HENRY AND THAT GENERAL.

I INTEND ONLY TO BUMP INTO NURSE BAKER. REPEATEDLY, IF POSSIBLE.

YOU THINK I MADE MYSELF TOO HANDSOME?

I WANNA GIVE HER A FIGHTING CHANCE.

HI. GOT YOU SOME CHEESE.

OH! THANK YOU, RADAR. YEAH.