2 Broke Girls

I'm Max. I'll be your waitress,

'cause they don't do background checks here.

Oh, you'll be our waitress.

I never guessed that based on the uniform

and name tag that says "Max."

You know I make, like, $3, right?

I realize that's a lot of money in the 1920s

where you two are from.

Here, open this and bring us two clean glasses.

Sure, Not-so-great Gatsby.

Hey, OJ and Nicole.

Rude snobs at table ten. You know what that means.

Wine swap? Let's roll.

Hey, Oleg, I need one of those $2 merlots

you get from your cousin with the hole in his neck.

Caroline, price check.

Oh! Chateau Pavie, 2008. Very expensive.

But, hey, we deserve it.

Here, better let it breathe.

It was in my gym bag.

Not a problem.

This vintage pairs well with jockstrap.

Do you think waitresses did this to me when I had money?

Only if you had an attitude.

So that's a yes.

I can't remember if this reminds me

of an old heist movie I saw on an old heist

I actually participated in.

I know. We're like Ocean's 7/11.

All we're missing is a tiny asian guy

who can fit into small boxes.

Hello.

Table ten is looking for their wine.

Oh, not a problem. Coming right up.

What did you do? Why is she smiling?

Are my pants on fire again?

Oh, yeah, take that, sucker!

Max, when I said we need to move the cupcakes,

I didn't mean through the air at a rodent's head.

Hey, he ran up the window,

so it's kind of a stand-your-ground situation.

Okay, we're on a time-out. He's eating my ammo.

Max, business is down again,

and the only phrase I've said more than that is,

"Please, god, take me in my sleep."

I mean, it's clear. Not getting ahead.

Oh, is that what your mood is about?

You're not getting any ahead?

'Cause I can take care of that with one call.

You are not hooking me up with that guy

who's listed in your phone as "Oral Redenbacher."

Max, this is our future.

We need to get serious about making money.

Absolutely. Let's leave early.

Leave early? Who are we, congress?

Do you think other business got successful

by leaving early?

No, they did it by hiring illegals

and moving their bank accounts offshore.

We can't leave early.

The sign says "open till 2:00 A.M."

Well, I'm open to getting a new sign that says "closed."

I mean, are we supposed to just hang around here

and wait for whatever nut jobs are trolling around town?

Hi, girls.

Guess what Oleg and I are going to do

that will probably give me Hep C.

A three way with Tommy Lee?

No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos.

We want something that represents our relationship.

So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty

during "CSI: Miami."

Wow, you two, his and her tats.

Romantic and will help identify the bodies.

Sure, you know, matching tattoos

are the deepest expression of commitment.

Well, matching tattoos

and pooping in front of each other.

I'm not gonna do it in front of my man.

I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.

Thanks for the cupcake.

We really have to start charging her.

Charge her with what, first-degree man-settling?

Max, as I was saying, it's time to get serious

about the business.

Absolutely. Let's leave early.

What? Last night after 1:00,

we made only $15, right?

$14.63.

What? Math is my thing.

Would you roll your eyes if you were standing

across from Eminem and he started rapping?

Uh, yes.

I'd be all, "Dude, you're 60. Sit on a porch swing."

Okay, look, here is $15.

That'll cover what we'll probably make.

I'm leaving.

You're just gonna leave me here?

Yup, I'm leaving as soon as I get my change back

from that $14.63.

Fine, just tell me how much that is.

Or maybe sooner.

This is a very big day for me.

Why, because of this totally out-of-the-blue order

we got to do cupcakes for this business seminar?

No, the first time I've entered a Sheridan

through a door.

Usually it's by window or freight elevator.

And one time, I rolled in under some girl's

quinceañera dress.

The seminar's about to start.

I have unclaimed name tags for Pamela, Ellen...

What kind of losers would come to this?

Max, Caroline.

I wouldn't call us losers.

Are you here?

Okay, so there is no cupcake order.

I signed us up for this seminar.

I carried cupcakes on a subway for nothing?

The annoying woman next to me talked the whole time.

I was sitting next to you, Max.

Look, I knew you wouldn't come otherwise,

and you need to be here.

This is a business intervention.

It's not an intervention.

Max, your behavior lately has affected me

in the following ways.

I can't believe this.

At least in my other interventions I was drunk.

We need to do this seminar.

Gordon Kepper is a genius.

He's gonna give our business a real bump.

Guys giving me a bump is why they threw me

that second intervention.

Let's go.

Oh, mm, okay. See you.

So this is your new thing, Max?

You're just gonna walk out on me?

Actually, it's an old thing.

In fact, it's kind of a family tradition.

I learned from my father, whoever he is.

Come on. It's just two days.

Two days? No way.

No freaking way.

There's a buffet and a dessert bar.

Ooh, okay.

Wait here, I'll go pay. I brought some cash.

And they'll take an expired target gift card, right?

Oh, we are not paying.

Here. Here, Pamela.

Follow Ellen to the freight elevator.

No way, Max. We are not sneaking in.

How much is this thing? $1,000.

We're sneaking in, Ellen.

Now, you all are here today

not only to find out what you are as a business

but to find out who you are.

I'm a lady hoping there's macaroni and cheese

at that buffet.

Who are you is your brand,

and saying that a brand is simply a name

is like saying Abraham Lincoln is simply a name,

or Mahatma Gandhi, God.

Who does this guy think he is?

I'm sure you're wondering, "Who does this guy think he is?"

Okay, that was weird.

Or maybe this seems weird.

I've got chills.

When it comes to business,

people come up to me all the time.

They say, "Gordon, business is hard,

but I do what I can."

and they shrug. Now, is that the right attitude?

- (all) No. - Yes.

To those people, I say, "don't do what you can.

Can what you do."

Don't do what you can.

Can what you do! Get it?

Do you get it?

- (all) Yes. - No.

- You did not get it. - Shh.

All right, everybody, reach under your chairs

and pick up what you find there.

Hope it's a way out of here.

Koosh balls?

Inside those cans, you will find the key

to success in your business.

Not unless the key is Rosie O'Donnell's career

before her buzz cut.

Truth.

That's the big secret to business.

If people buy what you're saying,

they will buy what you're selling.

Max, stay alert. This could go to cult like that.

I like to think of those things you're holding

as my truth balls.

Screw this. Let's get to the meatballs.

Anytime in the next two days,

one of you is up here selling you something

that you feel is just bull,